<p>Thanks Modadunn, but it’s still up and down. D just called crying again. It seems it’s her and her BF’s “anniversary” and she was hit with another homesickness wave. I agree with poetgrl that it’s hard to keep your sadness to yourself. That, mixed with a feeling of frustration, to be honest, that it’s so hard for her, wantting her to get on with adjusting, but of course that’s more my problem than hers, since I find it hard to get on with my own adjusting while I’m still supporting her so much. It reminds me of when I was teaching her to swim. Sh’e’d wrap her arms around my neck and refuse to let go, long after I knew she knew how to swim. She’d hold on so tight that I had to struggle to stay upright in the water. After a few tentative tries of letting go and flailing back, she finally launched out and made it to the other side of the pool. Of course, after that, she never looked back, and didn’t even need me to get in the pool.</p>
<p>Your D seems to have her feet in two worlds. And I think it’s especially hard when you have a BF somewhere else. Long distanced relationships are very difficult to sustain through the college years, and, having a d who never did adjust to college the first time around, I am of the mindset that letting go (read: breaking up) for the time being is the most mature thing a couple going off to college can do. There is so much growing to do right now that to try to do it in tandem with someone else far away is nearly impossible. </p>
<p>Think about marriage: So many couples grow apart living in the same house! How can someone go off and explore the new world of college when they have to share it all with another human being. Every boy she meets. she’s going to have to explain the friendship and superficiality of it. And the same goes for him and girls. Then you figure how often there is going to be risk of misunderstanding or not partaking at all… surely not the “full experience” of things. </p>
<p>I just think the odds are pretty high that someone ends up getting hurt in these situations. And when it happens, they’ve wasted so much time that other kids are busy getting acclimated and getting to know one another without a constant filter in the conversation.</p>
<p>No argument here. They are way too young to commit for life. It’s clearly one of the main things holding her back from feeling free to make the transition to a new life. But we strongly feel that it’s not up to us to tell her to break up with him. Hurt is unavoidable no matter how it ends, either by mutual agreement, one of them finding someone else, or some sort of other issue they can’t work out, but part of her maturing is figuring that out, and then figuring out what’s best for her own life. For now, she seems to need the sense of continuity that being in relationship with him brings more than she needs to break up wth him so she can move on. She’s had such a hard transition that adding a break-up into the mix might be too much to cope with. He’s been a very close friend as well as BF so that adds to the hurt. She’s also in no hurry to start “hooking up” as she sees other girls on campus doing (although she’s already mentioned a couple of instances of flirting, a good sign of moving toward independence, IMO). They were in a steady relationship for a year and they’ve only been apart for three weeks, so I imagine that time and new experiences, a sense of her own new identity and settling in at college, will help her know how, and when, to move on. Or so I hope!!!</p>
<p>DebateMom, hang in there. Boys are different. Lots of posts here about that subject! Girls call you and tell you when things are tough, with the boys you just kind of feel that something is off.<br>
It’s good that he is at least going out to eat with suitemates. As far as going to parties one weekend and not the next that is probably a good thing. I know that lots of freshmen go to parties the first few weeks and then discover that the parties are too crazy for them and not their scene. I wouldn’t be concerned that he didn’t go out that second weekend.
If he is working for the paper and at the library then you know he is out and about. In time he will meet people. You are right…he may have to adjust to being the one to initiate social situations. In time he will…</p>
<p>Wow. This thread has been really enlightening–heartwrenching and heartwarming at the same time. All these parents, who like me, are going through an irreversible transformation in the kind of connection they have with their kids…worrying about their state of well-being daily, at the same time having to deal with their own adjustment to “independence”.
I can really feel for the parents whose kids are struggling to adjust and faced with the dilemma of trying to know how much support is right and helpful. Each situation is so unique its really hard to tell, yet, personally, I think trying to get them to stick it out is almost always the best advice.
I´ve been surprised be my own experience this past month. My extremely independent and self-confident daughter was itching to start her college life in the big apple, an ocean away from us. I promised that I would not chase her down with phone calls and it was up to her to call and contact. Although, I have her sister for another year at home, she kept teasing me about how much I was going to miss her (obvious). Much to my surprise, I´ve found that she is missing me/us just as much. She is doing fine at NYU but is contacting me daily through Skype chat and sometimes phone calls. I really love it and am thrilled to share in her new experiences but am quite surprised. She has great suite-mates, likes her classes and has plenty of new friends, but yet she just asked me about making the xmas flight reservation (with an !). I am thinking that this in an indication of unexpected disorientation and unease in her new setting; she never expected to miss home so much. I suppose the daily contact will eventually subside and she´ll become too busy for much voice time as I always expected, but I am torn between wanting that and hoping that this daily check-in never ends.</p>
<p>My daughter also walked pass a tour group of seniors on a college visit and remembered her excitement and anxiety about “getting in” her university. She called and told me how happy she was to be there and thanked us for making it possible. It’s nice how the little things help. I can tell by the tone of her voice on the phone that she’s making progress - joining a few activities and going to optional study groups. She’s also getting used to not seeing us every day and making decisions on her own. I would get worried just by the tone of her voice telling me “everything was OK”. </p>
<p>The anticipation of what college will be like is so huge and wonderous, then the harder realities hit … and it’s a more difficult transition than was envisioned. I told her about this thread and thought she might want to read it. It’s just another reminder of how many kids are in similar situations – both with their circumstances at school and their loving parents worring! </p>
<p>I can only imagine what this will be like with my 10th grade son. Getting information from him is already a challenge!</p>
<p>Yee-ha. DS is meeting with one of his profs in advance of any tests to explain the accommodations he needs. The disabilities services office had already sent a letter about extra time, but he without any prodding from me had scheduled the meeting. I will try to ask if he has met with or is meeting the other professors (except art in which he needs no accommodations).</p>
<p>YEA!!! Finally had more than a two sentence, 1 minute conversation with my daughter last night!!!</p>
<p>All is going really well - she’s tired and crazy busy but very happy and not too stressed yet. As a theatre major auditions are wrecking havoc with any kind of schedule/routine but she feels in about two weeks when fall and winter term auditions are over she’ll be able to handle everything just fine. She’s made two really good friends and a few more good acquaintances and feels once the extra-curriculars settle in she’ll expand her circle. She also realizes that some friends may drop off depending on what’s happening with schedules which is a very mature and secure viewpoint for her.</p>
<p>She caught some good breaks with her classes - was asked to move from Jazz I to Jazz 2 which she is very proud of and it is offered one hour later so she can take the later Math class she wants. She’s taking way too many classes, one even not-for-credit because there’s a 20 minute overlap but she really wants it and everyone says it’s okay. I’m worried if she gets into any of the productions/groups she’s auditioning for how she’s going to fit everything in and survive! “Less is more” is just not in her vocabulary!!! Oh well, she is who she is and that’s what will make her a success.</p>
<p>It was so good to have a real conversation with her and to confirm that everything is going well so far. Oh and she called because I sent a one sentence email - “How was your first day of classes?”</p>
<p>During a recent phone call I let my son know he’s more than welcome to come home on an occasional weekend if he so desires, and can bring a friend or 2. We live in NYC so kids usually do like to visit (my daughter has brought many friends home over the years). His response was “I’ll see you for Thanksgiving”. </p>
<p>What was i thinking???</p>
<p>My daughter spent as little time with me as possible when I was there- but since I have returned home- I have gotten many text messages!
( the decision to get a blackberry( for me) for it’s texting ability as well as being able to read emails easily seems to have been a good one- D still has her antique razr)</p>
<p>Her first day of class was yesterday- I don’t know how it is going yet- but I was sent her schedule ( along with the receipt) and after looking up her profs- I am excited for her- they all have great reviews and although it has been over year since she has been in school, I hope she will make use of the resources on campus.</p>
<p>Our daughter left in for college in August. Excited, happy, and eager to go. She had great plans and dreams. Hasn’t happened. She is miserable. Let me give you some background.
She is a beautiful and smart young woman. Honor graduate and very involved in high school. She planned on going through sorority rush, hated it, and dropped out. It just all went down hill from there. All the girls she has met or knows have pledged. Roommate and suitemates as well. But she says that is not why she is unhappy. Ex boyfriend is there as well and that is bringing about a whole other set of issues. She wants to tfr to an out of state school in January. Her father and I are beside ourselves because we think she is making that decision out of her emotions. She won’t really talk to us - she just gets mad if we try to reason with her. I could ramble on and on. This is just so unexpected. Any advice would be appreciated.</p>
<p>Another unhappy freshman - my daughter is at a large private school in upstate NY. She loves everything about it but is having roommate problems. This is a total surprise for all of us since she been away for many summer programs and has dealt successfully with all kinds of roommates. She is living in a learning community and loves the rest of the floor, and doesn’t want to move.
Her situation is that her roommate has become involved with a boy across the hall and he spends every night in their room. She hates the lack of privacy and can’t sleep well. She has talked to her RA who doesn’t see anything wrong with the boy staying there all night. My daughter and her roommate made a contract (they all have to) the first week that all boys would have to leave at 12:30 pm on school nights and could stay other nights. She has talked to her roommate but she doesn’t change her behavior. My daughter says she is so upset all of the time and is falling asleep in classes from not sleeping at night. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>nellen - Has your daugher joined any clubs? Most school have “ultimate frisbee” or such… and you don’t need to know how to do it, they teach you. - or any intramural sport. Perhaps you could encourage her to join something - anything where she’ll likely find more “non greeks”</p>
<p>Twoparent - you’re in a tough spot! How “agressive” was your daughter in talking with the roommate. Did she outright say NOT FAIR! I CANNOT SLEEP WITH HIM HERE EVERY NIGHT!</p>
<p>nellen - if your D is not unhappy about the sorority thing then what is she unhappy about? I would think that would make anyone really unhappy. I would ask her to give me a list of the top reasons she is unhappy but also require a list of what she does like about the school before you will begin discussing transferring. I think she needs to be able to focus on what is making her unhappy (ex boyfriend?) - it is hard to fix a problem when you haven’t identified it. </p>
<p>Twoparent - I am normally hands off but I would really be ticked if my Ds roommate had a boy over even until 12:30 or on weekends - what kind of contract is that? But this roommate is violating even this. If my D couldn’t fix it, and the RA won’t fix it, I would go right to Residential Life and find out who will fix it. Your D is not sleeping and her academics will soon be suffering if she sleeps through class. I would start the phone calls asap.</p>
<p>Twoparent, you need to let your DD handle this but coach her a lot…she should go back to her RA and make it understood that her roommate is violating the contract and that she needs help. That she is missing sleep, etc. is not okay. The RA should sit down with both girls and negotiate a solution. Your D needs to ask the RA to set up this meeting. If the RA does not do this, your D should go to the RD for her building.</p>
<p>nellen, lots of kids don’t rush. It sounds like your D is using to being very social in school. College is a whole new ball game. She may have to go out and seek other friends, other groups. Transferring won’t change that…</p>
<p>I don’t agree that going back to the RA would be helpful. I honestly think that encouraging D to go directly to RD or whomever is directly about the RA. Here’s the thing, she has already gone to the RA and been summarily dismissed. She was tried talking to the roommate and nothing (not even telling them to sleep in BF’s room for a week?). Only problem really is that she may have to move… or convince the roommate to move which will be nearly impossible if her squeeze is so convenient right now.</p>
<p>I agree that twoparent should take it to the next level, by strongly encouraging her D to go to the next level. She did the first two things in the chain of responsibility- the contract and the RA. Time to take it up a notch., and get that boy out of her room so she can sleep and have privacy.</p>
<p>nellen, I sympathize- it’s so hard to hear your child feeling left out. And the ex-BF being around must be hard as well. I’d ask her to stick it out until winter break and talk about it then. if she’s still determined, then at worst she could come home, work, and then start at another college in the fall. I know when I mention to my D when she’ s feeling really homesick that coming home would mean getting a full-time job, she get a little less homesick, lol.
If she’s still talking about transferring for the spring, then you could suggest that she look into it (don’t do this for her). The hassle and logistics involved in transferring, assuming she even could, might persuade her to stay put awhile longer.
I also doubt the “everyone” is pledging a sorority. I know it can seem like “everyone” is doing something that they’re not, like when my D insisted that everyone else had made close friends besides her. Really? all 1200 other freshman have made close friends, in three weeks? Hmmmm. I also wonder what made your D hate the rush scene, and what that might tell her about herself and the kind of experience she <em>does</em> want to have at college, and how she might go about creating that for herself.
True story: my D said that there was <em>no one</em> on her floor (in a very large dorm) to be friends with. Then yesterday she attended an event, and met a girl she really liked who, get this, turns out to live in the same dorm, same floor, and in fact, RIGHT NEXT DOOR. I had to hide my laughter in my sleeve, good thing we were cellphoning and not skyping :).</p>
<p>nellen, we’re in exactly the same boat. I wish I had some advice, but we’re also frantic that our D is ready to throw away the only good educational opportunity she’ll ever have because she can’t see past her current misery. And you’re right, they cannot be reasoned with. Good suggestions here from parents whose kids are adjusting well – except that logic does not work when the problem is emotional. We’re at a complete loss.</p>