<p>oceansaway - I know exactly what you mean. They call to vent to you and then something changes and they go on their merry way while we spend a restless night hoping they’re okay and happy. It’s hard to walk away from their upsetting phone calls as easily as they do. It’s okay, we’ll get through this!</p>
<p>I’d have to say that the biggest adjustment so far for my freshman has been academic. He’s not complaining, and seems to be keeping up just fine, but there just have been several mentions of “huge amounts of work,” “several papers due at the same time,” “hours of nightly reading,” etc. On the bright side, this type of stuff is right up his alley - he’s truly a “humanities kind of guy,” so it’s definitely stuff he enjoys. I think he’s just a little surprised about how much work there really is in college. I think this has something to do with not only his choice of schools, but also his choice of classes this semester. Everything about these choices screams: INTENSE AMOUNTS OF READING AND WRITING! Thankfully, this is a kid with a great work ethic and excellent study habits (“thank you” rigorous high school program!)</p>
<p>Socially, everything seems great. I know he’s getting out every weekend (probably both nights) to parties, and seems to really like the other kids. I think he’s doing a good job of balancing the social with the academic. If he’s like he was in h.s., he’ll save Sunday’s to really get lots of work done. I do know, though, that he’s using Friday and/or Saturday evening (BEFORE he goes out), to also work on assignments.</p>
<p>I don’t think he’s gotten too involved in EC’s (although I know he wrote an article for the school newspaper.) I just get the feeling that academics and social life are taking up the biggest chunk of his time, and he hasn’t quite been able to carve out that extra portion to join a club or whatever. We’ll see how that goes as the years continues.</p>
<p>All I know is I’ll feel a little better AFTER I see him for Parent’s Weekend. There’s something about a face-to-face that I just really need! Occasional e-mails, texts and 1 or 2 phone calls (and even 1 iChat!) are wonderful, and they all indicate that things are great, but I really want to see his smiling face in person. Then I’ll feel a little more secure. (I’ve joked that I’ll know for sure that he REALLY likes his college when I’m sitting at his commencement! Until then, I’m not going to take anything for granted.)
**
Oh, and by the way, the biggest adjustment for ME, the freshman parent:** going 2 or 3 or even 4 days with NO contact at all. Personally, I like it that way, and don’t really want to hear from him every single day. I want him to be independent. But just because I like it doesn’t mean it’s easy for me!!! And actually, a few times he’s texted me to ask some type of question or for advice, and when I answer him and ask if he needs any further advice or help in getting it done, his response has been “I’ll handle it.” That’s the kind of thing that makes me proud. I’m happy he still wants my advice, but happier he’s always willing to handle it on his own.</p>
<p>Sailorgirl - S an engineering student as well, so I relate. Plain speak has always worked for us - what you plan to say to him sounds perfect - to the point and honest. No confusion there - 4 great months with lower grades or 4 years with higher grades. If you can find a way to communicate this before parent’s weekend that is the only advice I have - email or call? It’s not just the message but the timing that counts. If he is wavering on the edge of a B he can easily recover but if he is sinking much below it is harder to get back up to that required B.</p>
<p>My S is a sophomore and starting the third semester of college in the same pattern - bad start while he adjusts to expectations and balancing social life and ending each semester on the Dean’s list. I am no longer as worried about his ‘bad’ starts - engineering as you know is a difficult major but you can’t sit some things out and wait too long - especially as it appears that he really loves his school.</p>
<p>BTW - congratulations on his great start otherwise!</p>
<p>My situation is similar to Redwing, but with a few differences that I find unacceptable. S rarely calls or texts (he has been gone a little over a month and is six hours away). What I find unacceptable is that he did not respond to the generous gifts sent to him by friends and relatives for his bday. A simple e-mail or facebook post would have been enough to let them know it arrived and to say thanks. His grandparents (having contacted him first) visited him and received a less than enthusiastic response. Our recent phone call was ugly. We (his dad & I) feel he has become very selfish and his excuse is he his always busy. I am hurt, angry and wonder what happen to the kid I dropped off there in August. He has never been a kid to share every detail of school or come running to his parents for help, but I feel like we have now been completely shut out of his life! Help!!!</p>
<p>Murmur - I’m really sorry for your situation. Are you planning on going out for a visit (Parent’s Weekend?) any time soon? As I said in my previous post, there’s something about a face-to-face that can really help. Phones calls, e-mails, texts - sometimes they just don’t work when you really need to discuss something. (And I personally think this is something you need to discuss with your son!) If this behavior is out of character, you need to find out “why?” I agree with you that the behavior you’re describing is “unacceptable.” Does he know how you feel? You need to have a serious chat with the boy.</p>
<p>(And I think he’s getting off easy with you just expecting “a simple e-mail or facebook post” as a thank you for the “generous gifts” from friends and relatives. He can’t possibly be too busy for that - a facebook post takes 30 seconds!! I know I’m a nudge, but if he didn’t do it on his own, I would definitely “suggest” that my son send an actual thank you card. I don’t care how busy he is!)</p>
<p>I agree with the thank you notes, that was always our “rule” at home, but those who sent him the gifts told notes were needed but at the same time they want to know that their cards with money & checks arrived. We are going for Parent’s Weekend in 3 weeks and a long talk is first on my list. He is 19 years old (Sept. bday) and independent,. I didn’t expect him to call everyday but we want to know about his life at school and expect him behave with respect, just as he has was raised. So frustrating.</p>
<p>murmur - I totally understand what you’re saying. He’s still the same kid you raised at home for those first 18 years, and all that “stuff” you taught him is still there. I’m sure the entire situation has alot to do with adjusting to college life - it really is a difficult thing to do and every student does it “differently.” Hopefully, seeing him and speaking with him at Parent’s Weekend will help.</p>
<p>So far, what’s worked for us is that I told my son that I expect enthusiastic appreciation if I send him a care package. If I don’t get it, he doesn’t get anymore care packages. Two care packages sent - two very enthusiastic thank you’s immediately received. He gets it.</p>
<p>murmer–it’s called growing up and cutting the apron strings. Normal and healthy. It’s his life now–you are on the sidelines. He’ll be nicer when he hits 25 or so.</p>
<p>Our boy the same bump that Shawbridge’s son hit. Last week he caught some bug, ran a fever, and needed to sleep, sleep, sleep. He did rest, pushed through his classes–and even notifyied a teacher that he needed to miss class because he was sick. He thought he was getting over it, but evidently the bug is back in the form of a wicked head cold. I talked to him today, and he is sniffling and working on a huge problem set for a math class. He also has some big tests later this week for this math class, the most difficult math he’s had yet. Yesterday was his birthday (18!) and he had an outing with a school group, but he told me he was back to his room, in bed, by 11 PM. I’m glad common sense prevailed, but sad for him that his big birthday was so low key. He said he wished he was home right now since he isn’t feeling well. Talk about tugging at this mom’s heart strings…</p>
<p>Just wondered if those who know their kids’ grades on the first round of tests, etc. are relying on the kids’ representations – or do you happen to have access? My son is famous for “everything is fine” academically (I’ve heard that thru HS & he’s saying it now). That may or may not be true. </p>
<p>I’ve just heard (from son’s friends FB pages! Ok, yes, stalker-mom.) that son has spent a few days not going to classes (!). He has at least 3-4 classes a day. He’s pretty bright & picks up things quickly but I’m getting nervous. </p>
<p>Thinking I should have a ‘talk’ (very similar to the one outlined by Sailorgirl–son is on scholarship too) when he comes home in a few days for a visit. Hub differs and says to think positive and assume he’s doing what’s needed…</p>
<p>D is an engineering student at home for a few “reading days”. I’ve read enough on these boards to know engineering is a tough major with a rigorous grading scale. The discussion D and I just had was that if there was reason for me to be concerned about grades (like a D or an F) I wanted to hear about it before the grades came. Otherwise, I did not want to discuss every single grade. It’s not that I don’t care (because I do) but at some point I feel she has to be responsible for the results. I know that she is working much harder than her suitemates and I feel all we can ask is that she do her best. She’s on scholarship too and needs to keep a 3.0. At one point I would have said “piece of cake” but not now after seeing the work required. I know she can do it.</p>
<p>Interesting, sabaray. Maybe I’ll tell son that: we need to hear about anything really bad now, not later. He’s in engineering too – but says his engineering intro courses have been “easy.” Of course–worry compulsion kicks in: 1) he’s either not being forthright or 2) the school is way too easy for him.</p>
<p>A couple years ago when I sent my first off, that is the tactic I used. I told him that if he sensed he was going to get a D or an F that we would prefer to know about it before he came home at the end of the semester. We explained that we cared about his success and that poor grades would impact his scholarship and we could not be blindsided by that. He assured me that everything was “fine”, and it was about a B- average. The second semester of freshman year he assured me that everything was “great” and it was about a B+ average. The semester he got all As he reported that everything was “fantastic” so now we have the lingo to understand where he is GPA wise.</p>
<p>Jolynne, D’s in a scholars program that attracts a lot of students from a science and tech magnet high school here in Virginia. We have no equivalent in our area so she is experiencing stiff competition for the first time. A number of these students test out of the intro courses- but when D tells them what she is working on, many of them have never encountered those subject areas. I do think that for most of us who are accustomed to our children “setting the mark” for others it is a real adjustment when we (and they) realize that they have to work and they’re not always going to be first.</p>
<p>There were a few things we asked of D1 when she went off to school. Considering we were paying 50,000/year, we expected her to go to all classes. We also had an agreement on what were minimum grades we expected from her. When she decided to join a sorority, her dad told her that her grades were to fall below X then she would have to move out of the house. For the first semester into the second semester she told us what she got on every test. Some parents may think it’s a girl thing or it’s rare, but I have to say that whenever she called us right after a major exam, I could hear other students (boys and girls) doing the same thing. In the beginning whenever she wasn’t doing so well in a class, we asked(nagged) her if she was going to office hours. Once we got comfortable with what she was doing in school we eased off, but we still expected to see her final grades every semester.</p>
<p>I understand once they are college they should be responsible for their work, but as a major investor I want to know my kid is working hard to get a good return on my investment. Not going to class (not going to work) is a deal breaker for me.</p>
<p>Agreed, oldfort- I would have a real problem with D not going to class, regardless of if it’s easy or not. At our house that falls under the category of “doing your best”. We do have regular chats about problems that are particularly challenging and regular encouragement to visit during office hours, go to the TA sessions, or ask the professor next class if you still don’t understand. Hearing “I got a 72 on the exam” gives me an anxiety attack until I realize that’s still an A.</p>
<p>Yes, D1 got a 68 on a math prelim and it was still an A. I guess it’s all relative.</p>
<p>Nice that you’ve translated the ‘lingo’ momofthreeboys! And, the translation results were positive!</p>
<p>Interesting oldfort & sabaray…I’ve been trying, trying not to micromanage son (did way too much of that while he was growing up & I think it contributed to some initiative issues). And, in his case this is all him (financially): he earned the scholarships w/his test scores & gpa and the loans he took out for the balance are in his name (tho hub co-signed). So it’s more: you’ll loose this life that you really seem to like if you don’t keep things up. And, from what I’ve heard grad schools (which he’ll likely need for whichever of the several majors he choses!) are very strict on requiring super duper high gpas.</p>
<p>Hoping to play this well when he returns home soon for a visit. Feel like it’s walking a minefield (convey concern & the logical consequences while acknowledging son’s autonomy and burgeoning adulthood…[deep breathing required for this task]).</p>
<p>I think the scariest time as a parent is that first semester. You are powerless to do much more than hope that the kiddo picked the right college and knows how to learn balance and succeed. It makes the entire senior year feel like a cakewalk. I’ll be just as scared next fall with #2 as I was with #1. If semester 1 goes OK, you can start breathing again.</p>