I am frantic

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m sorry for not getting back sooner. Twice I tried to post and it vanished. Anyway, I have been on this forum before, but chose a new name for this problem.</p>

<p>I want to thank everyone who posted on here from the bottom of my heart. You have made me feel like I really can deal with this problem. I have read every single post. </p>

<p>To clear up a few things. My son is out of the country with family. It is not glamorous thing. He has a job here. This makes the money situation hard. He works for his money (including during the school year) but I think he manages money very poorly. He recently opened a credit card in his name, which he knew would not be okay with us. My friend says on line gambling has been shut down. I wish I knew if this were true. There is no evidence of drug use. Also, yes, he is a kid who was perfect in high school. No trouble at all and nice friends. So this is all new for us.</p>

<p>I will be honest here. I have not told my husband about this, and I might not. I am not only protecting him, but I also feel very guilty about this whole thing and I just don’t want to entangle him too. I guess I am the self-appointed family protector. Maybe I need to evaluate that!</p>

<p>I am going to send him a letter to tell him I read the blog. We will talk about it when he gets home. He will be very upset (embarrassed) and I feel bad about that. (Not that bad though.) I will be armed with some “suggestions.” I want him to change a few things in the fall in hopes of meeting a different group of friends. This will be hard. I will demand that the credit card be closed. I also want him to go to the counseling center at school. Perhaps he can take his blog with him. (Maybe I will print it out.) </p>

<p>My friend suggested I read a book called Critical Conversations. I am going looking for that today.</p>

<p>I’m still struggling to figure out how much of this is “normal” teenage angst, how much is really serious, and whether or not he will find his own way out.</p>

<p>I was a great keeper of diaries when I was young. Good thing I could throw them away. In this case I sure do wish I could “unknow.”</p>

<p>Thanks again for your kind thoughts, for sharing your experiences, and for understanding all the ups and downs of raising kids. I remember my mother once saying to me, “Brace yourself for when they disappoint you.” It took a long time, but here it is.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
...and to those who say "pretty good grades" are a sign he is not applying himself sufficiently, no parents have a right to demand stellar grades of their kids. Pretty good grades sound pretty good to me. There is no cause to refuse to pay the tuition bill.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>No, not to refuse to pay, but there is cause imo to discuss the situation as the OP has described it, in context. IF drinking and gambling --- the sexual behavior is irrelevant to me --- are significantly interfering with the S's focus on his education, that is the same thing as slacking off. It all depends on what "pretty good" actually is, what classes this student is taking, and whether what sounds like fairly typical college student behavior is or is not borderline out-of-control behavior that is turning a golden opportunity --- an education at a respected private college --- into an expensive waste of time.</p>

<p>If the OP's post is on the up and up, then I think she has every right to discuss her concerns with her son. The parents are making sacrifices financially to pay for private college tuition as opposed to state college tuition --- and that difference is $20,000 or $30,000 a year --- and that gives them the right to an opinion about how S's time at college is spent. </p>

<p>What one would hope, of course, is that the discussion would never get to the point of suggesting that the pricey tuition not be paid, but that the S would quickly buy into the "make the most of this" argument. If the student's grades had been affected by his behavior, then it's not too much to hope that a change in that behavior would result in grades that are "really good," as in "we're really proud of him" good. Not just pretty good, considering.</p>

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<p>"He recently opened a credit card in his name, which he knew would not be okay with us." </p>

<p>Why not? Responsible use of a credit card will do nothing but help him later in life. Not to mention it allows him to buy things like text books and have them shipped to his dorm, as opposed to debit cards which may only allow him to ship it to his home address. Now, if you have reason to think he's in debt it may be an issue.</p>

<p>"My friend says on line gambling has been shut down. I wish I knew if this were true."</p>

<p>No no no no 1000 times no. It has not been shut down at all. It's just harder to get money on the sites. Still very possible though.</p>

<p>"I’m still struggling to figure out how much of this is “normal” teenage angst, how much is really serious, and whether or not he will find his own way out."</p>

<p>You still haven't told us a lot of what it is he did. How much gambling, what you consider excessive drinking, what sorts of inappropriate sex he was having. Until you clarify that we can't give you much advice as to how you should react, since we could have anything from an "alcoholic gambler who spends all day playing poker and sleeping with hookers and is in out of control debt" to a "guy who likes to party on the weekends, sleeps with his girlfriend and plays online poker once and a while and has an overprotective mother."</p>

<p>edit: Before you confront him remember this: If you actually do threaten to take away tuition make sure it is for the right reason. He has got to be out of control to the point that you will risk him not speaking to you, or seeing you, for a very, very long time before you should actually threaten this. He's almost 20, he can save money, get his own place, get some loans and pay his own tuition and cut you out of his life. Make sure there are actual destructive tendencies in his life, as opposed to life decisions that you disagree with. There is a huge difference.</p>

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<p>But Jazzymom:</p>

<p>How can you say that his drinking and gambling are interfering with his studies if he gets "pretty good grades?" The OP seems to be satisfied with this aspect of things. We should not be inferring that the student is slacking off or taking easy courses. We have absolutely nothing to go by except that the OP is satisfied with the "pretty good grades." Enough. Would she be disappointed if he got the same grades but worked his butt off? Would she threaten to cut off his tuition?</p>

<p>The issue is not the grades, it's the non-academic behavior. Threatening to not pay tuition for non-academic behavior seems to me to be missing the point. What would the consequence be? The student should drop out of college altogether? Hmmm... Great way to larn him about appropriate behavior. NOT.</p>

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<p>Okay, I for one, don't want any details about the inappropriate sex on here. I think that would be, well, inappropriate to post here . . .</p>

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<p>Not the sordid details, but we need SOME frame of reference here. Inappropriate means wildly different things to different people.</p>

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<p>um., betting online is alive and well</p>

<p><a href="http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/news/2007/jul/09/addictions_internet_generation/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.dailybruin.ucla.edu/news/2007/jul/09/addictions_internet_generation/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>and while some new laws were passed, eh. they will be gotten around</p>

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<p>chuy -- Agreed. Still don't want to know . . .</p>

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<p>I think the issue with the "inappropriate sexual activity" line was that lots of people, I included, saw it as something of a red flag for parental overreaction. Granted, the baseline norm for sexual activity (and for talking about sexual activity) among 19 year-old boys is probably not something to warm any parent's heart. But, personally, it would have to be pretty serious before I would describe my son as engaging in inappropriate sexual activity -- something like systematic cruelty towards others or oneself, or deliberate refusal to take public health precautions.</p>

<p>If the OP's standards accord with mine, the sex part of the blog would tend to indicate a serious problem that needed some immediate attention. However, if what the OP meant by "inappropriate sexual activity" was something like a few drunken hook-ups, or maybe over-reliance on "flying solo" or the sex-practice-that-freaks-parents-out-but-teens-see-as-no-big-deal, that would tend to make me think perhaps she was overreacting to other things in the blog as well.</p>

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<p>^^^^</p>

<p>Bingo...</p>

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<p>JHS: care to explain what sex practice it is that freaks parents out and teens see as no big deal? As a child of the '70s, I find it hard to imagine something that would freak me out and my children would see as okay.... mostly, they seem way more shockable than I am.</p>

<p>(Incidentally, "a few drunken hookups" would worry me a lot: I don't think anyone should be having sex while drunk!)</p>

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<p>I believe that JHS would be referring to oral sex.</p>

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<p>Marite:</p>

<p>I did say IF his questionable EC activities were interfering with his focus on academics.</p>

<p>None of us actually know what is going on exactly and even the parent will have a better idea only after she is able to talk to him. Maybe I was projecting what my own reaction would be if it were me. Having read such and such on a blog, knowing what I was paying in private college tuition, it would be a major question in my mind whether "pretty good" grades were good enough or whether they could be a lot better, and thus, evidence that he is in fact making the most of the opportunity he's being given. That's all I ask. Not a requirement that S be perfect and achieve stellar grades in every subject. Just that he not waste or semi-waste what's being made available to him at considerable expense.</p>

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<p>Goodness, I wouldn't even know where to begin on discussing inappropriate sex with my older children (21 and 24). I guess I think that discussion is a little late after high school age?</p>

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<p>just a thought- does he really have pretty good grades or is that what he told his parents. Not every one shares the actual report cards, I nver see those, do they even print them any more? One of my Ds was very private and we went with that, understanding that we were paying ofr a degree, how she applied herself and her grades affect her future more than ours, so we tried to stay out of it. Of course, academic probation, etc would be a different issue. My other kids tell me all their grades, though just as a part of normal conversation, not as a report.</p>

<p>It is possible this kid is telling his parents "pretty good" and meaning cs when they would think that meant As & Bs, important to know the facts.</p>

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<p>Re: "pretty good." I've lived in a country--obviously not the US-- where "not half bad" means "pretty good" and "pretty good" means excellent. When my S says he got "pretty good grades," I don't interpret this as meaning Bs and Cs.<br>
The OP seems to be satisfied with the grades her son got. They are NOT the problem; so why bring up his academic performance even in the conditional?
There's plenty more to be concerned about.
EDIT: I agree with JHS.</p>

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<p>Marite: I only throw that out there as so many posters are saying this is all boyish hijinks (which it may be- including exagerrations on the blog) and are stating his pretty good grades as proof that things are going well. If I were the OP I would like to actually see the "pretty good" grades to determine whether there is a problem or not. </p>

<p>Is it pretty good given the crazy things going on and he's really just getitng by, or is it a happy "pretty good" which ought to indicate that she may be overly worried. If he really truly is experiencing academic success then his other potential problems are likely not too serious. It is that fine line in determining whether things are normal or signs of serious problem that can elude a parent and don't we all want to believe the best possible scenario for our kids? I have seen a few friends believe in the best and get slammed down with the worst, so I am not a fan of the ostrich-head in the sand hoping all will be well, as I have seen friends get their tail feathers burned :eek:</p>

<p>So, what I am saying is check it out, determine whether or not there is a problem- if so, deal with it strongly, if not let your son explore life. But do make sure there is not a serious underlying problem!</p>

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<p>Somemom:</p>

<p>You may be right; it is possible that the OP's son has not been forthcoming about his exact grades. Or maybe what he has written about his academic performance online confirms what he told his parents so that the OP does not feel the need to be concerned about it. We just do not know.</p>

<p>What is more troubling to me is the lack of communication between the OP and her son and her concerns about his non-academic behavior: drinking, gambling and sex. This is where she should focus, not on his coursework unless she has good reason to be worried about it as well.</p>

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<p>Mom<em>Needs</em>Help,</p>

<p>It is hard to know, how bad the situation really is. </p>

<p>Depending on the school your son goes to, "getting in trouble" for alcohol use may not take much at all. On the other hand, if he is passing out, or wakes up next to someone he does not remember going to bed with, it's a different story...</p>

<p>Gambling on line may not be that big of a deal either, as long as he does not go into debt doing it (would you object if he bough a ticket to a football game for $100 instead?). (Of course, if there is a possibility of addiction, there is a reason to be concerned.)</p>

<p>It seems strange to me that he posted all this on a public blog, knowing that you are on a lookout for such things. Maybe he wanted you to see it -- to let you know that he has problems and is unhappy, without directly saying so?</p>

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<p>This is a tough. I think if I were the OP's shoes, I would "own up" to the googling and warn my S yet again about on-line content and future jobs, etc. I would try to talk to my S from a woman's perspective about whatever is bothering the OP regarding the sex and I would emphasize (again hopefully) the need for protection against SDTs and unwanted pregnancies after that I don't want to know too much about my son's sex life...really. I would express my personal displeasure about on-line gambling...but I happen to know that my son plays poker with his pals on many a Saturday night and has since he was about a junior in high school. I'd warn more about the on-line aspects and the waste of hard earned money. I'd (again) talk about the physical, legal and emotional dangers of abusing alcohol and other illegal substances and I'd try to have a conversation about if my S were content/happy/unhappy with the school, his classes, his friends and try to ascertain what "pretty good" means - although for my kids "pretty good" is positive and "OK" is not so good. I would share what I found with my H but because I was the one doing the snooping I suspect I'd be the one who would want to do the talking. If S were within driving distance, I'd probably invite him out to dinner one on one at his town and talk. In my case I'd have to wait 'til S came home and I would very definitely wait I would not want to have this type of intimate conversation on-line or over the phone at all. I would try very hard to listen to what my S was saying and talk in a way that required him to talk. Unfortunately I know my son drinks, I know my S has sex and I know about the poker playing so I've been there, done that and will no doubt again at some point in the next couple years. I have no doubt the OP was blindsided in many ways...I suspect many parents could be if they really knew "all" or thought they knew "all."</p>