I did not know it would hurt so bad

Parent Cafe
81

<p>I say: Let Dad2 be Dad2. </p>

<p>Naked ambition, unabashed boasting, frustration, rage, the ache of disappointment, poignancy of dreams and terror of failure ---- a virtual cornucopia of parental emotion all expressed for public reaction, be it condemnation or understanding.</p>

<p>Someone on an earlier thread said, he asks the questions and expresses feelings a lot of parents have but won’t post because they’re not PC, not popular. But especially on CC, as Pogo might say, “he is us.” </p>

<p>If he didn’t exist we’d have to invent him.</p>

82

<p>I don’t believe I ever thought he was a ■■■■■ and I was horrified by the plug-pulling, but in general, I think DadII has learned quite a bit here–he just has relapses.</p>

<p>If he’s asking for my support on this, he’s going to get it. I was a wreck as I waited for my son’s results–silly? Sure–it was silly–but it felt very real and stressful at the time and people here helped me deal with it.</p>

83

<p>It’s like reality TV shows. Why are people drawn to these bugs eating contest?:)</p>

84

<p>I’m not doing any bug eating contests unless I’m in Japan.</p>

85

<p>There are green ants in Australia that are a great source of vitamin C – they taste very citrus-y. (Don’t ask how I know!)</p>

<p>Better to vent here than at the kids, in my book.</p>

86

<p>Ok, I’ve eaten rice hoppers in Japan. They were nicely crunchy–great way to start the day.</p>

87

<p>The menu at Loren Pope ( former ed editor for NYT) idea of "the most intellectual college in the country.</p>

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<p>[Bug eating among the ruling classes](<a href=“http://www.butterflystorm.com/People/Reed/bugeating.html”>http://www.butterflystorm.com/People/Reed/bugeating.html&lt;/a&gt;)</p>

88

<p>^^I don’t think I have the courage to click on that link.</p>

89

<p>Dad II, May I suggest you read this article? I’ve posted it here before, but it is one of the best articles on the psychological aspects of college admissions for both students and parents I’ve seen anywhere, so it bears repeating. It discusses how our feelings as parents often get mixed up during our children’s college application process, and the importance of recognizing that this is a rite of passage for our children. It may often be scary, uncomfortable, painful, and downright stressful for us parents, but, in the end, it is our children’s journey to make, not ours. I hope you will find it interesting and thought-provoking, and that it might help make the feelings you might be having now, and in coming months, a little more managable:
[College</a> Admissions: Failed Rite of Passage at ParentsAssociation.com](<a href=“http://www.parentsassociation.com/college/failed_rite.html]College”>http://www.parentsassociation.com/college/failed_rite.html)</p>

<p>That said, I agree with Emeraldkty: While it may seem that college acceptances and scholarships are the most important thing to you right now, in the greater scheme of things, they are really very minor concerns. By this time next year, you’ll have new concerns and dreams for your daugher, and you’ll be wondering what all the fuss was about this year. This is important to keep in mind because this time RIGHT NOW with your daughter is so precious. Don’t waste a second of it by allowing yourself to be consumed by fear and anxiety rather than enjoy and appreciate her for who she is right now, this very second. </p>

<p>While it is natural worry some when faced with things we can’t predict or control with any accuracy, try to focus less on worrying about things you can’t control, and more on enjoying your daughter for who she is NOW, right at this moment, and savoring every moment of your time with her. Go home tonight and do something FUN with your daughter, something that makes you both laugh, something that you won’t be able to do next year when she’s off at college. Most of all, do something with her that doesn’t involve talking about or worrying about college admissions, scholarships, and her future. The future is still ahead of us, but today is only here today. Make the most of it by focusing on what really matters: Enjoying these last months that your daughter is living at home, and fully part of your family every day.</p>

<p>Worrying won’t change the outcome for your daughter, just as where she ends up going to college won’t make her any more or less special than she is right now. So, try to stay calm, try to enjoy her presence in your home while she is still with you, and try to trust that all will work out as it should for her. Put all the fear and anxiety about how college decisions will pan out aside. Next year, you will be glad you did, and so will your daughter.</p>

<p>If all else fails, keep repeating this mantra: This too shall pass. Focus on what you’ll miss most when this too passes. I can assure you it won’t be stewing about whether Vandy gave her a scholarship or not.</p>

90

<p>Carolyn: Welcome Back and thank you for that link…so appropriate…</p>

91

<p>Moderators, I think the link in Carolyn’s post would be an important and useful article to keep with Featured discussions on the Parents Forum.</p>

92

<p>I’ll add my voice to that request, menloparkmom! I needed to see that right now. It certainly validates the grieving part of this process I’m experiencing and that noone else IRL seems to want to talk about.</p>

93

<p>

Please don’t speak for me.</p>

94

<p>It’s a Big Tent, drb. Plenty of room for all sorts.</p>

95

<p>Thank you for posting the link to that wonderful article, carolyn. Right after reading it I happened to click on this thread the kids are posting in: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/463126-i-feel-like-i-won-t-get-anywhere.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-admissions/463126-i-feel-like-i-won-t-get-anywhere.html&lt;/a&gt;
It made me want to give my kids a hug.</p>

96

<p>People get denied for scholarships all the time. The fact that we all have the ability to use this website and actually get a good college education is worthy enough. You are still in the top 8% luckiest people in the world if u can even apply to the schools that are listed. The fact that most people are in a worst situation than losing a scholarship to Vanderbilt proves that you cannot get worked up over this.</p>

97

<p>Personally, I read DadII’s posts for the same reason others slow down for a car wreck - the inexplicable urge to witness disaster.</p>

<p>What really bothers me in this particular post is the lack of perspective, which several others have already mentioned (and more eloquently than I.) Carolyn, I especially enjoyed your comments. Ten years ago, one of my DD’s second-grade classmates (actually a friend of my daughter’s) died suddenly; she just collapsed at home and died almost immediately. No cause of death was ever found. </p>

<p>I still think of that little girl - funny, bright, warm-hearted - and her family every single day. Every time I find myself getting worked up over something that SEEMS so important (like college admissions) I remember this family, and I am immediately ashamed of my own shallowness and stupidity.</p>

<p>I know the disappointment stings, DadII, and I sympathize. My own D is no academic superstar, but she’s a superstar in my book - just like that little girl was a superstar to her family. Just remember: life is short. Senior year is even shorter (and getting shorter by the minute.) Enjoy your daughter now!</p>

98

<p>bethievt, I think that is about as worked up as I have seen you get!</p>

<p>I don’t really know what an enabler is in this context. I respond because I think Dad II is stressed and he has no one to talk about these issues with in person. It hurts no one to be civil or–here’s a word I don’t use too often–nice.</p>

<p>I don’t understand why people who don’t want to be part of some threads bother being part of them.</p>

<p>Geez.</p>

99

<p>I guess I do disagree with the post that Dad II says everything we all feel, but afraid to say it because it’s not PC. Yes, we all feel a bit of what Dad II feels, but most of us are matured enough not to let it over take us. We all feel bad over our kids’ disappointment, but as adults we should be able to put it perspective. Our kids look to us for strength and guidance. If we fall apart ourselves, how do we expect our kids to handle all the disappointments in life. Aside from handling disappointment, it is also up to us to teach our kids how to handl triumph gracefully too.</p>

100

<p>Have you ever heard of an “arc of discovery”? DadII is on one, and shares his ups and downs. This thread opening was particularly honest simply because he described how he felt and not just what he thought ought to happen in his D’s search process. For that, some clobbered him? I don’t think that’s nice.</p>

<p>I can respect someone who expresses sincere feelings. If I see an opening, I’ll try to mirror back and help someone keep moving forward in what I perceive as the positive observations, of which there were many by Dad II in this particular thread. </p>

<p>I’ve CERTAINLY had days when I felt as if a truck hit me emotionally, yet kept going in my work. I wouldn’t appreciate if I described that process and someone said the news shouldn’t have rattled me so. </p>

<p>BTW, I take issue with anyone who rebuts a person sharing a problem when the listener reminds the problem-solver that others have “more serious” problems. To the person who is upset because of an overdue fine on a utility bill, it is poor counsel to guilt them by saying “others are bankrupt; you’re lucky you even have bills!” </p>

<p>Each set of human concerns has its own dimension and reality. To share or make observations about it is not wallowing. On the contrary, what you learn from one situation gives wisdom for the next situation, which could be more or less serious next time. </p>

<p>OK, if Paris Hilton is upset because she loses a heel on one of her sets of shoes, I don’t think she should weep; but to lose hope for a scholarship IS a tough day, for anyone. Dad II felt badly but handled his workload, went home and talked to his DD, they felt better, and so forth. It’s actually a good response by both, very much IN perspective to the situation before them, IMHO. They coped. You got a problem with that?</p>