<p>Northstarmom, I should have clarified. Son’s GF was a high school student at the time.<br>
That is why I was surprised the mother didn’t at least want to have a phone conversation with me. As I said, i have a D the same age and when she was in HS I would have wanted to make a phone call to at least say hello and thank you to the parent on the receiving end. Had GF been his age and in college my feelings would have been different.</p>
<p>Just read all the recent posts. Stellar advice from Blossom.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>To quote the Rolling Stones, you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might get 2 out of 3. </p>
<p>(Well, those aren’t the exact words, but I think that until she finds a college boyfriend, you’ll be doing good to get 2 out of 3.)</p>
<p>Every time I get ready to respond, Northstarmom beats me to it. From my experience her advice has been the most sensible, the most adult and the most likely to diffuse the situation.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Without playing armchair psychologist too much, could it be that you’re projecting your college disappointments onto your D’s actions? Would you have listened to your mother if she had taken you aside as a freshman and told you, “you’re ruining your college experience spending all this time with that boy”?</p>
<p>You’ve got two things to address, a) reconciling with your D, and b) what happens from here on out. As for reconciling, you’re the one who’s losing out in the current situation, (though I’d guess your D is having some second thoughts as well). You need to extend the olive branch whether you feel you’re the wronged party or not; just get the conversations started again. Tell her what you’ve told us: You miss seeing her and spending time together. College has been an adjustment for the both of you and you know she misses her BF but you need some time as well. It may not work but I do know that if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’ve been getting.</p>
<p>As for what happens from here, Northstarmom and blossom are right, she’s an adult, start treating her like one. Tell her you’re hoping/expecting that she’s going to be sleeping at home Thanksgiving weekend. Tell her when Thanksgiving dinner is going to be served and when she and the BF need to be there. Tell her you understand wanting to spend time with the BF but you’re just not comfortable with them sleeping together in your house. Tell her you’d like her to stop in when she’s in-town visiting the BF, but you understand her wanting to spend most of her time with him. </p>
<p>For everyone who’s telling you not to apologize, to dig in your heels or to threaten, those strategies are sure to fail, believe me. At the end of the day it’s about restarting and redefining your relationship with your adult daughter; getting wrapped up in your own ego can only get in the way of that. Or as the wise man once said, Pride and Regrets are the two most expensive worthless things a person can own.</p>
<p>ebeeee, thanks for the vote of confidence. My kids are grown, I have seen it all.</p>
<p>TS Eliot said it better…:)</p>
<p>
mom,
so you already know that spending weekends on campus does not necessarily equal “settling in” and “making new friends in college”.
You can not control your daughter’s behavior and social life. It is her decision who she hangs out with - in or out of college. </p>
<p>You are angry that she comes to town and spends her time with BF. Would it be different if he lived in a different town? You have to realize that her social life is hers to live. You may not be happy with her choices, and you can certainly tell her your thoughts, but you can’t dictate how and with whom to spend her free time. As long as she is doing well enough academically, you will have to let her be.</p>
<p>You have to understand that this has very little to do with you. She is not coming “home”. She is coming to visit her BF. Most 18 year olds, if given the choice to spend their weekend with the family or with their romantic partner, will choose the romantic partner. Don’t take it personally. It is also my understanding that at first she was coming to visit you as well when she was in town, and stopped doing so only after you had a “huge fight right in front of her boyfriend”. Again, she is not coming to visit you, or visit home. She is coming to see the BF. She will probably happily visit you as well, as long as it is an enjoyable experience for her. She will not if the visit will become a fight about who she should be friends with and spend her time with.</p>
<p>On the other hand, if you don’t like BF’s parents, I don’t think you need to make them your friends or spend time with them. But don’t make them the villains just because they let your D spend time in their house. Your relationship with your D is not their responsibility, and she is probably grateful for their hospitality.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My parents nearly did that. My hs boyfriend was a year older than me, he went away to college X, I was planning on going there the year after (NOT because of him, but no one will ever believe that). Shortly before I was to leave, they got so upset I was still with him they threatened to pull me and make me attend Other U in our hometown. Thankfully they didn’t. I got up to school, and after a semester of total intensity, realized that this wasn’t what I wanted, and broke up. But I gotta tell you, if my parents had pushed the issue, I might have wound up being married to him. There is nothing more attractive than forbidden fruit, and they were wise for biting their tongues and letting things unfold.</p>
<p>“As for what happens from here, Northstarmom and blossom are right, she’s an adult, start treating her like one. Tell her you’re hoping/expecting that she’s going to be sleeping at home Thanksgiving weekend. Tell her when Thanksgiving dinner is going to be served and when she and the BF need to be there. Tell her you understand wanting to spend time with the BF but you’re just not comfortable with them sleeping together in your house. Tell her you’d like her to stop in when she’s in-town visiting the BF, but you understand her wanting to spend most of her time with him.”</p>
<p>^^^ I think this is excellent advice. I find with my own daughter that it’s so easy to get wrapped up in wanting her to do what I want her to do…it always goes much better when my hubby reminds me to step back, take a deep breath, remember she’s not a little kid anymore, and let’s get past this.</p>
<p>That being said, I would not bend on the BF/GF sleeping in the same bedroom in my house because it would make me feel uncomfortable. When I was in college and my BF came to visit, he was given my little brother’s room across the hall from my parent’s room. When I went to meet the parents of my grad school BF, we stayed in separate rooms. Sure they’re legally adults and sexually active, but they’re in separate rooms out of respect for you and your comfort. I don’t think that’s asking too much.</p>
<p>Bravo again to Blossom. As a GYN, I see young woman far too often when it is too late. If they are doin’ it, she needs to have an exam, and understand her risks. It is so much easier to have the discussion when there is not a positive pregnancy test or an HPV positive pap or a Chlamydia infection first. What happens at the GYN office does stay at the GYN office. </p>
<p>Then you set the rules about what goes on under your roof. But no ultimatums. The more chill you are about the relationship, the less important it becomes in terms of a power struggle. Decide who is eating where and when for the holiday. Take some time when she is home next to go shopping with her or out to lunch. Tell her you love her, and let her know you want her to be involved in your life. Talk about compromises, and ask how you can have quality time with her. </p>
<p>Let her decide when/how often she comes home as long as the grades are good and she is putting in the time at school when she is there. Don’t make the environment such that she will sneak home and stay with the BF and his family. </p>
<p>I do think that once you let go and let whatever happens happen in terms of the relationship, she will be able to decide for herself if she needs to come home less and get involved in school more. Don’t make it so she has to PROVE to you she can do this. BECAUSE SHE WILL. At her age, it is just how her brain works. She will mature, but you can’t hurry it up. </p>
<p>Once you start to like this guy and think about where their future together lies, I suspect she will start to question things in a more realistic way. She may stay in the relationship or she may let it go. But she WILL NOT LET IT GO if you don’t,</p>
<p>They never settle in college anyway. My D is junior and living in awesome very expensive apartment in college and she still misses her home a lot without having any of your D’s situation. And she has 2 more UG (including current year) and then, hopefully 4 more in Grad. school. I just take it as is, that she will always be homesick. Do not get me wrong, she is involved in everythg that anybody could possibly imagine on a positive side at college, sorority, the best job on campus, Research lab internship, almost never alone, having study body, friends, very challnging major and 2 minors with every class being very interesting for her (from her own comments), very pretty campus that she appreciates greatly. Basically there is nothing there to improve…and she is still very homesick and not settled after 2 years away from home (3.5 hours away).</p>
<p>should I speak to the boyfriend as well as my daughter? Tell him what has hurt me and I what I want to change to make this work? I have been quite close with him in the past. He also knows how close my daughter and I were before sept and I dont think he would want such upset between us. And I dont want him to hate me. Should I talk to him or just keep this between me and my daughter?</p>
<p>You are either up to making 2 enemies or 1.</p>
<p>That’s a tough question. I think your daughter will likely resent it if you put him on the spot and make him responsible for D’s actions. However, if you have them together over Thanksgiving…feel free to take advantage to acknowledge some important concerns but to them both and in front of both. Thank him for coming over, thank them both for understanding that you miss her and hope to see more of both of them, and ask them to check in with his parents to see that they are being considerat of their concerns (eg S not devoting sufficient time to his family/friends/schoolwork). Show concern for him and his family too. Remember–I am the mom of BF so I would appreciate M of GF to see that BF can be hurt by this behavior too. Show them that you think of them as young adults–ask him to carve that turkey (ha!), ask her to think of something to do together–movie,etc.–symbolic actions that you see him as important. It is important for your D to see that you like him but that you miss her too.</p>
<p>I think if you talk to the BF it should be with your daughter and AFTER you’ve mended things with your daughter. The two of you can decide if it’s even necessary to chat with the bf (he might not be offended) and your D will feel much better being a part of the conversation. Plus then he won’t feel like you’ve cornered him.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I would not.
The fact that you are having sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend does not have to be announced in front of everybody at the dinner table. I would even feel akward if my kids would engage in passionate kissing in front of me.
A girl that does not go home when back in town regularly? A slut. I am sorry if I am offending anyone.</p>
<p>Speaking as a former boy . . . I would advise against having that kind of conversation with him. If he is sensitive enough to appreciate it, he is sensitive enough not to need it. If he is more like the other 99% of young men, that would completely freak him out.</p>
<p>I think diplomacy is the key. He is like a foreign power – an important trade partner, a potential ally, but also a potential enemy. Treat him with respect, consideration, and a little bit of distance. Don’t take him for granted. Don’t try to enlist him in any battles between you and your daughter. If you treat him with respect, it won’t take long for both he and your daughter to get the message that you are making peace.</p>
<p>Also, remember: He is a boy. He does not have a grand scheme to separate your daughter from you. Far more likely than not, it’s your daughter who is calling the shots, and any problem you have is a problem with her, not him. It’s not really his fault.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>And what are you? A *****.</p>
<p>Oh, sorry if I am offending anyone.</p>
<p>I see no point in having a conversation with the BF. Take the long term view, she will always be your daughter, he is a relative newcomer and at this point it’s hardly clear that he’s permanent.</p>
<p>When and if it becomes clear that he may be permanent then some sort of detente may be in order. Right now try and re-establish your relationship with your daughter. </p>
<p>TIP: She may try and goad you into a fight, at all costs don’t rise to the bait. Show her how an adult acts in a relationship. Remember that you’re the parent and that this is just the latest (and probably biggest) time where you’ve had to take the high road.</p>
<p>what a jerky thing to say, kelowna.</p>
<p>When I posted that, that wasn’t the word that came to my mind. I was thinking more about whether the girl had respect or loved her family.</p>