<p>ontheedge,
Plenty of HS seniors spend their time on weekends with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc., and still get into top schools, including HYPSM.
A steady long distance GF who comes to spend a night every other weekend is much less of a destruction than the computer games for most teenage boys.</p>
<p>I think its plain dumb, I really feel that a relationship such as the one your daughter is having is unhealthy, if she really needs to visit him every weekend its kind of sad and she may sound happy but it doesn’t really seem that way. </p>
<p>HOWEVER, there’s really nothing you can do, you just gotta let it take its course, they will probably break up eventually and it will be over. But you shouldn’t get in fights with her over it, just try and enjoy the time. Invite her out, just casually “hey if you’re coming home this weekend did you wanna get dinner with us one night?” something like that, you don’t want to be overbearing as they will feel as if you are encroaching on their new-found sense of freedom.</p>
<p>I think that without knowing the D, personally, or the family dynamics it’s difficult to impossible to give adequate advice in this situation. I’ve known some parents who did need to take an uncharacteristic step back and didn’t- the classic Romeo and Juliet scenario that many have alluded to here. And I know others who may have been better off not letting the self-centered kid walk all over them (from childhood on). The OP has said that the relationship has always been a very close one. Is it really all about the BF? Is it a case of a relatively lenient parent and the D runs into her first ever “no.” Was there always tension around rules and privileges? Or is the D testing out her limits and not really expecting to succeed? Again, hard to know without knowing the people involved. </p>
<p>But assuming a secure and loving foundation, and a generally good kid with no preexisting issues why do some universally,without knowing any of those involved, advocate that the OP should not expect something different from her D? How is it possible that some are so convinced that if this mother is firm concerning her expectations and ground rules for when the D is home that the relationship will be permanently destroyed? Is that really likely? Again, hard to know. What about the devil’s advocate position - the risk of sending the message to your kid that one should easily tolerate being treated by a loved one in a rude and hurtful way? </p>
<p>All else being equal, I hope I raised my kids to know that relationships, even a parent-child relationship are two way streets. Too many people seem overly afraid of their own kids - whether it comes to picking up the phone ( IMO communication is also a two way street - by calling I can show by example the way I stay in touch with people with whom I am close) or expressing disappointment with someone who is currently treating you like no more than a checkbook and a meal ticket. Of course, this is my bias, and directly related to the fact that I never faced such an issue with my own kids, but barring extenuating circumstances, it would be very difficult for me to sit back and act as though I thought this unreasonable behavior was OK. I’d likely take the risk of my kid being temporarily (again my own bias, knowing my relationship with my own kids, to think it would be temporary) mad at me in such a situation. </p>
<p>Also -although I sympathize completely and would be equally upset under the circumstances, I am afraid I agree with the majority that the OP should back off from the time spent with BF issue. I think a large part of the current problem is that the D sees the BF and the trips away from college as being the main issue, when it might be strategically smarter to approach this from a respect and consideration POV at this point. The frequency of visits issue may be one that works out on its own as the year continues, anyway.</p>
<p>OP, I wanted to add a different perspective that maybe will make you feel a little better about the situation . . . At least if your daughter is travelling to her hometown every weekend and hanging out with her boyfriend, she isn’t “socializing” at college on the weekends by getting dangerously drunk. Not that ALL college students do that, but abuse of alcohol is common at many college social events.</p>
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<p>I don’t get this. If the BF were a fellow college student, they would probably be seeing each other every day. Now, would that be unhealthy? I do expect to see my spouse most every day, by the way. ;)</p>
<p>I do think that the D could make a greater effort to drop by and say hello to her mom while spending most of her time with the BF. But we don’t know if the D is leery of engaging in tense discussions with her mom and is avoiding her. That is why it is important for them to have a chat. I don’t think the OP should meddle in the relationship with the BF, but she should mention that she is missing her D and would love to see more of her, especially since she is close enough to visit the BF. Whether that relationship lasts (he’ll be going to college soon) or not is out of her control.</p>
<p>“Don’t you think that she might be viewed this way by someone not familar with the entire situation but someone that knows that when she is back in town she stays at the house of another 18 year old while she is an 18 year old herself? Does not go home?”</p>
<p>There are plenty of people who view others as sluts for all sorts of silly reasons that aren’t the people’s business. What other uninvolved people may think of the OP"s D isn’t the issue here. What is the issue is the mother’s feeling hurt that the D comes home and doesn’t visit her, and the mother is concerned that because the D is spending so many weekends with her boyfriend, the D is missing out on much of her college experience.</p>
<p>Your posts are really helping me think about this all. Since our “huge fight” my daughter has been calling and texting me all the time, multiple times a day. She asked me to come out and visit her last weekend as well. I declined as it was too soon after everything that happened. She has continually told me that she loves me and misses me. However, she will not say she is sorry or say she wont stay at bfs house anymore. I have not mentioned it since the fight. I need to figure out what to do over Thanksgiving break and then what to do after as December-January break is a month. I cant have her sleeping at her bfs house. His parents are so crazy they would undoubtedly let her stay over when he had school, they love him but dont care AT ALL what he does. I cant compete with that. I guess what I am getting from most of you is to not worry so much about what she is missing at school. Although that is so hard. That is her choice and she will have to learn from it. I cant tell her what to do. In terms of being home on breaks I can talk to her about how much we want her to sleep at home and that her bf is welcome here. When she sleeps at his house it hurts us. My younger daughter told her that last night and she felt bad. But Im not sure thats enough to stop her. What if I set up rules when she home on school breaks? Like if its less than a week, you can stay there one night. If it more than one week, than 1-2 nights per week tops. Is that reasonable to set those rules??</p>
<p>Northstarmom, you have it exactly right exactly!</p>
<p>OP - I feel really bad for you in this situation. I have 2 teenagers, one of each. I don’t think is unreasonable to say that your daughter is not allowed to spend the night ANY nights with her boyfriend over the break. Maybe I am missing something here, but the decorum argument wins. I don’t care if she is 18 or 28, she should still have some respect for your house rules. I’m sure you will work this all out. All the best!</p>
<p>mom3939, I really think you should take a step back. Not that I wouldn’t be tempted to do what you are doing, but if you read your post #107 you are talking about laying down restrictive rules, demanding that your daughter apologize, criticizing the boyfriend’s parents, etc. All of that is great for venting, and for expressing your principles, but none of it is going to be a constructive approach to having a good relationship with your daughter in the immediate future. Maybe it could work if you wait long enough, but “long enough” is going to be a lot longer than Thanksgiving (or Christmas) 2009.</p>
<p>It looks like your D has extended the olive branch multiple times. The ball is really in your court.
She seems to be doing well in her studies, she has a steady relationship (yes, it involves sleeping–but so what’s new?). It sounds like you want to control your D’s life. Let her be. She is a loving daughter. Count your blessings and don’t antagonize her.</p>
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<p>She is reaching out to you. Please don’t shut her down because you’re waiting for an apology or for her to say you’re right and she will abide by your wishes. Based on her current actions, I think she would be receptive to an calm, open discussion where you can both come to an agreement that is acceptable to you both. I don’t necessarily mean a contract with set number of visits, etc., I mean an agreement to consider the family’s feelings and that all involved make an honest effort to spend some quality time together while respecting each others needs, desires and growth. If you accept that she is growing up and expanding her world, and she remembers that she is still a member of a family that loves and misses her, I think you can all weather this storm and continue to have that close loving relationship you both want. </p>
<p>It is not unreasonable to expect her spend time during the holidays with her family and it is also not unreasonable for her to want to spend time during the holidays with her BF. You need to let go of the past hurt and work on building a mutually respectful adult relationship with your D. I think she wants that, too. Show her how adults compromise.</p>
<p>This situation is unusual because both kids live in the same town. College students often visit their college bf or gf over breaks – some stay in the same room, others in different rooms, but one student is usually visiting from out of town and obviously has no where else to stay. I don’t know anyone who allowed their high school students to sleep over like this. I assume the daughter was not spending the night at her bf’s house when they were both still in high school.</p>
<p>I understand why the daughter would not come home while she is in town to see her boyfriend, since her mother has made it clear that she doesn’t approve. I think many kids would just avoid the problem by having the bf go visit her at college more often. How would OP feel about that? I’m sure how much she likes or dislikes the bf or why she assumes a college bf would be better.</p>
<p>I think oldfort brought up a good point – how does the daughter have time for all this travel? I think the idea of the “college experience” is a bit silly and over-rated, but I’m amazed that this girl can spend so much time off campus and still keep her grades high.</p>
<p>She sounds like a good kid who is trying to negotiate an awkward situation. I would encourage the OP to respond since her daughter is clearly reaching out. I definitely don’t think it’s necessary to invite the bf’s family over for dinner or even to contact them. This issue is between mother and daughter.</p>
<p>So you want to be closer to your daughter, but when she calls you and says she loves you, misses you, and would like you to visit, you refuse? Wow.</p>
<p>IMO you need to get over this obsession with her boyfriend. You’ve said multiple times how you don’t like him anymore (even though you previously liked him) because your daughter spends time with him, you don’t even want to talk with his parents because daughter stays at their house, you don’t want her staying at BF’s house anymore . . . You seem to feel that you’re competing with this boy for your daughter. Well, you aren’t. You and he occupy vastly different places in her life. You are her mother. He is her boyfriend. She is on her way out of the nest and this boy is part of the process . . . whether she ends up dumping him or staying with him, he is part of the process. For your nerves and for the sake of your relationship with your daughter, accept the fact that she’s going to stay over at BF’s house, at least some of the time.</p>
<p>Also, she is INVITING YOU OVER, go and make up with her!</p>
<p>mom, I have to say, if my daughter invited me to come see her after a big fight, I wouldn’t be wasting any time getting there. Go.</p>
<p>As someone who had a long distance boyfriend throughout much of college- I think that you need to figure out exactly why your angry and what your reaction would be if she had a long distance boyfriend who did not live in your town, or had a boyfriend in college. In either case she would not be coming home to see you as often, and if her boyfriend was in another state she might go see him instead of coming home one weekend. Would that bother you? She would be staying with him, and if she visited over a break she would be staying at his house. I think that its perfectly legitimate to ask her to spend the holidays with you in your house, but during the school year she is coming home to visit her boyfriend, not her parents. While you may not agree with this, the only thing you can really do is not give her money to take the bus home as often. </p>
<p>If she has friends at college and is doing well in her classes, most of what else you say to her is going to negatively affect her relationship with you. My mom made a lot of comments freshman year about how I wasn’t spending enough time at my college, and I mostly took that to mean that she thought I didn’t have any friends-- which was certainly not true. I don’t know whether I regret continuing the long distance relationship, but having one certainly didn’t mean that I wasn’t active on my own campus.</p>
<p>She invited you to visit her at school? Go and visit! You will get to see her life, meet her friends… she obviously wants you in her life now. Don’t let this slip away because your feelings were hurt.</p>
<p>I am sure that if you talk to her, and tell her that it is important for you and her sister that she spends some of the nights at home, she will gladly do it. But don’t make it be a power struggle, or competition with the BF for her time. You will lose the battle, even if you win the fight.</p>
<p>Well, I’d have hopped in the car immediately at that invitation, too, however I tend to be the kind of person who confronts issues immediately. Not everyone is wired like that - OP seems more like the type that needs to cool off first. Maybe in the long run that is better - it’s probably more important that the OP can talk to the D in a constructive and calm way. But if D is not the same way as her mom in this regard, the OP runs the risk that her D will feel abandoned in her efforts.</p>
<p>“I think oldfort brought up a good point – how does the daughter have time for all this travel? I think the idea of the “college experience” is a bit silly and over-rated, but I’m amazed that this girl can spend so much time off campus and still keep her grades high.”</p>
<p>I’m not amazed. Back when I was teaching college, a student who eventually graduated magna or summa, spent every weekend at home – 1.5 hour drive away – untll her junior year, when she became deeply involved in a campus organization that required her to be on campus weekends. She was a nice person, had friends, and now has a doctorate and is a college professor.</p>
<p>It’s very possible for people to keep up their grades while going home every weekend. In fact, they may have higher grades than do students who stay on campus and party all weekend.</p>
<p>^I agree with NSM. Many more students at residential colleges are drinking and partying Thursday night through Sunday than many parents on CC are willing to believe.</p>