<p>My daughter works 15 hours a week, dances 5-10 hours. On Weekends there are a lot of study groups, even Sat mornings (which really upsets D1). For D1 to have a free weekend to come home is almost impossible. There is no way she is partying Thu - Sun night. Not with a double major in math/econ, and a minor in gender studies.</p>
<p>Back to OP - I would take my daughter up on visiting her at school. It’s probably a more nuetral place to have a heart to heart talk.</p>
<p>OP: I understand how you feel. My D, a college sophomore, has been dating her hs boyfriend for 2 years now. She is in school 4.5 hours away and he attends college very near to where I work. Due to the distance, she doesn’t come home every weekend, but they are very serious and call/text/Skype each other incessantly (well, at least very frequently.) There are times when I feel like you do: I wish they weren’t dating because she “should” spend that energy becoming more “invested” in her own school - I mean, she likes school and is doing well, but she could be more involved. I imagine her making more friends and being more social if she weren’t so intent on him.</p>
<p>Then the rational part of me kicks in - it’s her life - it’s not a chance for me to relive (and maybe re-do) my own college experiences. These are her choices, and who am I to really say what are the right choices? If she’s happy (she is) and doing well in school (she is), then it must be working for her; if she wre unhappy and doing poorly in school, well, those are issues she needs to resolve (hopefully with my sage advice!) All in all, these are her decisions to make and her consequences to own. </p>
<p>So I have consciously made a decision to be as fair and open-minded about the situation as I can be. When she’s home visting us, her parents, I joke about “how many minutes do I get to see you before you run and see ____?” I do not criticize the BF or his family (truth be told, he’s actually a wonderful guy, so it’s easy not to criticize.)</p>
<p>I have found that humor - especially the self-deprecating kind - works wonders. I also look on the positive side: her long-distance relationship certainly hasn’t hurt her grades and she’s very focused and task-oriented (“If ____ is coming to visit next weekend, I want to get that paper done now”). Plus, as others have mentioned, not all aspects of campus life (alcohol, wild parties, hooking up) are things to be deisred.</p>
<p>I also try to listen more than I talk. My D and I had a pretty rough relationship during the early high school years (in retrospect, the normal mother-daughter stuff) and we were both miserable. However, we are now much closer and talk about everything (including the BF stuff.) I know that much of this closeness stems from how I have CONSCIOUSLY tried to act these past 18 months, about the BF situation, about college, about the whole process of her becoming more independent.</p>
<p>Add me to the chorus of “go see her” if you can. Life is too short. Relationships can be fragile. Don’t wait for a formal apology that may never come.</p>
<p>I don’t think that visiting a boyfriend every other weekend would necessarily preclude studying on that weekend. Books, notebooks, and laptops can be carried on the bus, and thanks to the Internet, online course materials can be accessed from anywhere.</p>
<p>If the OP’s daughter visited her boyfriend only once or twice a semester, the two of them would probably treat the visits as extended dates, but if the visits are frequent, it is likely that either or both of them may need to get some academic work done during some of the visits.</p>
<p>Having a relationship need not have a negative impact on grades. My daughter, who is a junior in college, lives with her boyfriend, and this has not had a detrimental effect on her academic performance (or his, as far as I know). A new relationship may take precedence over academic work for a short period of time, but if the relationship continues for a while, students figure out ways to maintain it while keeping up with their responsibilities as well – just as older people do.</p>
<p>Ok people you are not going to believe this. I was shocked. I picked up my daughter from school on Monday afternoon for Thanksgiving break. She poured her heart out to me about that she couldnt keep this up with her BF. She spends every weekend with him and it still wasnt enough. He was always upset at her not knowing what she was doing or who she was with and they always argued. She spent the last weekend without him as she had too much to do and he went ballistic saying she was cheating on him. She said she loves him but she just cant keep it up and she wants to settle into school as she loves it but has no time. SO she BROKE up with him. She seems like shes going to stick to it. She was crying and sad as she loves him but she knows it for the best and it couldnt work anymore with them separated. She told me she is not looking for another BF and wants to put all that energy onto herself, friends and school for the next number of months before she is ready again. She spent the whole break with our family and her friends and it was great. Yes she was sad but she was also happy about “restarting” school. True she only has a few weeks and then its mid semester break but its still a really good thing. I feel guilty being glad about this as she is somewhat sad but as her mom Im glad she is moving on to the next stage of her life. Thank you so much all of you (except some offensive posters out there, you know who you are) for all of your help. You are great!</p>
<p>Ah, the famous Turkey Drop! Sometimes, it is a good idea for parents to hold back and let things happen on their own (have to remind myself of that).</p>
<p>Your D will be fine. She is compassionate, but she also has a good head on her shoulders. And you were there for her.</p>
<p>Sounds like good news to me! I am very happy for you. I’m sure her sadness will ease over the next couple of weeks. Good job, mom3939!</p>
<p>Yay! Good news! </p>
<p>I know a little bit how you feel - D spent 15 months in hs dating a boy we didn’t care for. When they finally broke up, I ached for her sadness but rejoiced that it was finally over. But… then he decided he’d made a huge mistake and wanted her back and she almost went back to him… but in the end decided she was better off without him.</p>
<p>The situation she describes borders on obsessive/controlling. Hopefully ex-BF accepts the breakup and moves on. Make sure your D knows that if he tries to come visit her, makes any threats, etc, that she is to call campus security immediately, and escalate if necessary. She shouldn’t communicate with him in any way… My D kept trying to maintain a “friendship” with her ex, and it just confused him. “I care about you and want to be friends” apparently sounded to him like “You have a chance and I’m going to come back to you.” She should keep her distance, for at least a year. JMHO.</p>
<p>"She spent the last weekend without him as she had too much to do and he went ballistic saying she was cheating on him. She said she loves him but she just cant keep it up and she wants to settle into school as she loves it but has no time. SO she BROKE up with him. "</p>
<p>So glad to hear that she had the good sense to break up with him. His controlling behavior was a red flag that he was a potential physical abuser. He already was emotionally abusing her by accusing her of cheating on him.</p>
<p>It must be that time of the year. We are going through a similar situation. It doesn’t help when I actually like the boy and he is just not right for her.</p>
<p>Yeah turkey drop! Agree with everyone else–pay attention to anything down the road from this guy. Anyone who goes ballistic about one weekend spent apart needs help.</p>
<p>So glad, too, that you had been backing off about expressing concern to your D about her closeness with her boyfriend. If you had continued to pressure her, she may have out of a warped sense of independence continued a romantic relationship with a young man who seems troubled and possibly to have been heading toward being a danger to her.</p>
<p>Do read over some of the sites about abuse and teen relationships and in a supportive way talk about this info with your D so she isn’t tempted to take him back, and so she recognizes and takes appropriate action if he becomes aggressive about renewing their relationship.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be surprised if now that you’ve backed off, your D tells you more about problems that had occurred in their relationship. Just bite your tongue and don’t say anything like, “I told you so…”</p>
<p>One site with info: [Dating</a> Violence, (ACADV)](<a href=“http://www.acadv.org/dating.html]Dating”>http://www.acadv.org/dating.html)</p>
<p>Sometimes, I think daughters fight with their mothers to keep up the intense and emotional relationship while asserting their independence. What is more emotional and intense than a good argument?</p>
<p>I am going to be paying attention, especially when she is home for a month for mid semester break. I did tell her she shouldnt talk to him when he was contacting her last week but that kind of made her mad. She has to figure this out for herself but I dont think she is going to go back to him. Of course she did something else to get me worried over break. Went out to a club one night with her friends and met some creep who models and gave him her number. He called her and has been texting her and facebooked her. I couldnt believe she would do something so stupid. How could my beautiful daughter be such an idiot? I started to worry she would see this creep when she comes back over break but my husband said no more worrying allowed. Obviously she needs to assert her new independence (from us and her bf) and to just let it run its course. I guess if my husband isnt worried then I need to stop. Cant these kids just be even keeled and normal? I always think everyone elses kids are normal except mine. I guess not, not when every day is figuring out who you are and what you want along with school pressure and living on your own for the first time. It seems like all of you who replied to my news have been there done that through similar situations with your kids and understand you have to back off when they are in college. But its so so hard when you love them, isnt it?? My husband has no problem with this even though he loves her too, but all I do is worry worry worry.</p>
<p>I’ve decided not to worry about my worrying. It’s counterproductive and gets in the way of my worrying.</p>
<p>Here’s an experiment I tried recently on H who accuses me of worrying too much.</p>
<p>Alarming !! situation arose involving D. I could do nothing and pretended to pay no attention to it. He brought it up. Refused to let him know I was worrying. I was, if I do say so myself, the very picture of cool nonchallance. He brought it up. Pretended not to hear. He brought it up and I said, “Oh, I can’t think about that right now. I’m busy. I’m ____________.”</p>
<p>By the end of the night he was a worried mess.</p>
<p>It’s a law of physics. In any given relationship, the amount of worrying will remain constant. You, however, do not have to carry it all. Overheard a piece of that interesting conversation between D and H. “Well,” she said. “If you’re worried.” "I am not worrieeed so much as concerned.‘’ 
Concerned. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Looks like your D has some horse sense, Mom3939. The key for you will be learning now to trust her judgment more and give her more slack–no giving advice unless asked for. Of course, if she is heading off the cliff, you are allowed to point that out. :)</p>
<p>
Loved this!</p>
<p>really no advice unless asked for?? That seems so painful!</p>
<p>^^I know…growth on our parts IS painful! Kids aren’t the only ones who are still growing.</p>
<p>Re: post #137. Me, too. I loved it. “Concerned” sounds so much cooler than “worried”. Less helicopterish, somehow. </p>
<p>Me, worry? Heck, no.</p>
<p>Signed: A Concerned Parent.</p>