<p>oy, I picked my D on Monday as she was done for break. X BF had spent the weekend with her at school. I talked to her about it and she said it was ok. It was too much to imagine she wouldnt see him at all after being so close and she can handle it but they are not truly getting back together. They are just "seeing " each other again. Then he comes over that night and stays for dinner and for quite a while. All seemed fine. Then later she comes bursting into my room at 1AM crying. She had told him she couldnt do this and she didnt want to see him anymore as its too hard and confusing for her. He texted her back (I dont want to say exact words) but clearly saying that without her love his life was worthless in a very frightening way. She called and called him and got no answer. D called his mom and told her and she said he left in his car. everyone was so worried. Mom also was mean to my D and said “what did you do, break up with him again?” 2 hours later he calls D and she talks to calmly and says she still loves him and she didnt mean it. The next day my husband I explain to her that she is not equipped to handle this being all of 18 and he is emotionally blckmailing her. He needs help from his mom and professional help. This is no reason to go back to him and it is actually hurting him worse in the long run. She completely agrees and later that day tells him never to do that to her again and that she loves him but their relationship is over. She seemed so relieved and good yesterday but last night was crying again. She wouldnt tell me why though but she seems better today. I am beyond exhausted as I get up at 6 every morning. When will this end so she can move on and be happy again??? She has to stop responding to him but it seems to be so hard for her. Has anyone gone through anything like this before? It is so so difficult:0</p>
<p>This cycle of seeming okay/breaking down into tears, that’s all pretty normal (though exhausting I realize) break-up stuff. It’s probably going to take a while for her to get over it honestly. It seems like you and you H did the right thing, explaining to her that the help he is demanding is simply not something she can give. I would keep repeating that message and also tell her that it will be easier on both of them if she sets firm boundaries – that means no more weekend visits, no matter how much he screams and shouts about it. She’s doing well by being clear with him that it’s OVER, but she has to take steps to PROVE that to him, and to herself. </p>
<p>Honestly, nothing helps so much when you’re getting over your first really bad break up as being able to talk to someone who’s been through it before. This would be a really good time for some mother-daughter bonding. For you to sit down with her, take her out for coffee or a walk or something and tell her the story of your first break up. How did it feel? How did you get over it? Because right now what she’s feeling is all new and confusing, but in reality she’s feeling exactly the same things that every girl who’s ever broken up with a boy (or girl) feels. Knowing that you’re not alone, that you’re just one of millions who have been through this and somehow the world keeps spinning for them and you, is so, so therapeutic.</p>
<p>^^ just remember [ and tell your D this too] that “time heals all wounds and wounds all Heals” . Both of you should remember to repeat it, like a mantra, when she starts to get weepy…Deeeeeeeep breaths, deeeep breaths…</p>
<p>This is CLASSIC emotional blackmail. </p>
<p>I suggest she say to him - in writing, so there’s no question - “I care about you but we are NEVER going to be a couple again. It is clear to me that you cannot handle just being friends, and I don’t want to confuse you in any way. It is kinder for me to make a clean break with you, so that is what I am doing. Please do not call, text or visit me. Our relationship is over. I wish you all the best in your future, you are a great person and I’m sure you will find someone new to be happy with. That person is not me, and it will never be me. I am moving on with my life, and I hope you will too.”</p>
<p>D went thru this on a lesser level (she was only 16, the relationship had lasted 15 months). She was determined that she and her ex would remain friends, and all it did was confuse him. “I care about you and want to be your friend” sounded to him like “You still have a chance, maybe we’ll eventually get back together.” Be prepared that she may begin getting pressure from HIS friends to get back together with him, if they see him depressed and sad. </p>
<p>But most importantly, your daughter must understand that SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER EX. She is not responsible for his being happy, or unhappy, or depressed, or even suicidal. HE ALONE is responsible for HIS OWN happiness (or lack thereof). She can’t fix him. True happiness comes from within. If he starts doing stupid, risky things in an attempt to get her to come back to him out of guilt, it is NOT her fault. Any consequences of these actions are his alone. </p>
<p>She may need to see a professional a few times to be sure that she understands this.</p>
<p>Good luck. Like I said, we went thru this to a lesser degree, and it was NOT fun.</p>
<p>This is emotional blackmailing and may even even turn into a form of stalking. I think it is only going to get worse. I wouldn’t put it pass this boy to escalate the stake down the road if he couldn’t get what he wants. D1 experienced it 2 years ago with an older guy. He would be nice to her one minute (to try to get her back) and turn nasty next when she didn’t want to go out with him. She ended up blocking him from FB and just never responded to him on phone ever again. The difference between my D1 and your daughter is at the end D1 really didn’t like the guy any more, whereas your D probably still has very deep feeling for this guy. But nonetheless, she needs to cease all contact. For someone to emotionally blackmail you or stalk you, he would need to be able to contact you and get a reaction. If he doesn’t get either, then he may stop after a while. Tell your daughter that he is no longer her responsibility. Whatever he wants to do to himself, he is his parents’ responsibility, not hers. She is doing more harm to him by continuing to talk to him.</p>
<p>Your D suffers from a kind heart. She should call his mom and let her know that she is concerned about his emotional health but that she cannot cope with it. She wishes him the very best, but she wants to be able to concentrate on her studies and on her college experience. And that’s it. No more accepting calls from him or calling him to find out if he’s all right or calling his mom.</p>
<p>I think “let’s be friends” is definitely a very damaging dictate that young people follow when their relationships end. Trying to maintain a friend like relationship with someone really does severely hinder their ability to “let go” of the situation. it makes it seem like, well, you’re just in a fight right now, but since you’re still seeing a lot of each other you will somehow just get over it and everything will be okay. </p>
<p>Being friends again eventually is fine, trying to maintain a relationship right now will only lead this boy to think there’s still hope and make him hurt and angry when the new friendship does not measure up to the old love interest. She should just take time off from him, not call him, not text or facebook him, not instant message, and definitely, definitely, not see him. It will be hard for her too, but by throwing herself into her college life, workign on establishing relationships and activities there, she can hopfully find a little distraction and a little peace.</p>
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<p>That’s another thing I told my D when she went thru this: You cannot be friends with your ex right now. Maybe in 6 months or a year, when feelings have cooled down and the wounds aren’t raw and the “leftover” feelings are fading. But not now. (Took her 2 months to take my advice. The best thing that happened was school ended and she didn’t see or talk to her ex for 3 months. Now they are friendly acquaintances, they have both moved on - but it took a long time, and if they weren’t still both in the same school I don’t think they’d have any contact with each other).</p>
<p>Thanks for your input about this! D cannot throw herself into college now as she is home for break for a month. Yes, that makes it much harder. Last night BFs mom actually texted my daughter several times and said how horribly she handled this and she is essentially a terrible person. She accused her of damaging him terribly as she said they could work things out twice and then ending it again. She said she should be ashamed and remorseful for her behavior and what she did to him. I was livid!!! D was very upset and crying and crying about this but I told her BFs mom should be ashamed of herself contacting you like that. There is no perfect way to end an intimate relationship and you are an 18 year old girl for heaven’s sake. And the break up wouldnt have been so bad if her son had accepted it in the first place. I told her she should be angry at BFs mom and not feel sad. How dare she? I controlled myself not to call her and tell her NEVER to contact my daughter again but it was tough. My husband didnt want me to escalate the drama. My telling D to be mad really helped her and she seems to be ok for the moment. D is home about a week before all of her other home friends from school and I think that will help a lot when she has them to have fun with as well as the security of home. Im hoping this truly is over by the time next semester starts and she can start fresh. Does everyone agree this was HORRIBLE of BFs mom?What a mess. Oh and oldfort, yes you are right she does have deep feelings for him which have far from faded but I hope they will over time. She did block him on FB and I told her not to answer the phone or any texts from him or his mom. Of course I am not in control of whether she does or not but Im hoping she listens to me about this. Ahhhhh…</p>
<p>Could it be that BF’s Mom texting is really BF pretending to be his mom?</p>
<p>There is a feature on ATT wireless to block certain numbrs.</p>
<p>mom3939:</p>
<p>That does it! My advice that your D talk to the BF’s mom is invalid. That woman is an enabler. Instead of helping her son become emotionally resilient, she is turning him into a dependent wreck.
Your D should have nothing to do with either of them. She is well out of this relationship. I cannot imagine anyone coping with such a woman as a potential MIL!</p>
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<li><p>No argument from me! I can’t imagine contacting an ex of my son’s to plead his case! That’s completely out of bounds. And my wife doesn’t even like talking to them while they are going out with him. Someone should report her to the MIT and Penn admissions departments! (A current CC in-joke, sorry.)</p></li>
<li><p>A clean break is always the best policy for ending a relationship. Someday I hope to see what one looks like. Back when I was the age when break-ups didn’t involve lawyers and joint custody, the half-life of dead long-term relationships seemed to be several months, at least. When I broke up with my first serious girlfriend, it was almost two years before we stopped seeing each other occasionally.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>The BF’s mom really puzzles me.</p>
<p>Does she think emotional blackmail is the way to help her son acheive a happy, healthy long term relationship? Does she think it would be a good thing for her son to be in a relationship where the girl was in it only out of fear that he might harm himself if she left?And does she think 18 year olds are really in life-long relationships? Sheeeesh</p>
<p>This is the mother that allowed her son’s GF to stay over their house every weekend, and probably allowed them to stay in the same room (no disrespect to OP or her daughter here). Clearly this woman has no boundary, and I think that’s why OP had an issue with her daughter going to her BF’s house every weekend.</p>
<p>You have it exactly right! The question is now do I have my daughter talk to a therapist to make sure she holds strong and has no contact? She may wear down after a while passes and that would be terrible. She said she really doesnt want to go to a therapist as she doesnt even want to go through it all as she is sure of herself now. But should I insist on it?</p>
<p>Obviously the BF’s mom is crazy and should learn to mind her own business. </p>
<p>I don’t know if your D neccessarily needs to see a therapist, so much as she just needs security and the support of friends and family right now. Later, if it seems like this is really impacting her ability to operate normally in the long-term, it’s something to consider. Maybe just tell her, “I’m not going to force you to see a therapist, but it might help, so if you ever decide that you want to, Dad and I will support you 100% and help you make the appointment.” For now, it sounds like you are doing a really good job of protecting her and guiding her. This is going to be messy and hard for a while. When her friends come home it will be better, and when the new semester starts she can start fresh too, but yeah, it’s just going to be difficult.</p>
<p>Most cell providers have number block and this sends a very strong message to the boyfriend who can’t get the message. She may also want to block him on facebook and ask her friends to defriend him so that he can not see who or what she is communicating to others. My daughter did this with her long term boyfriend and it was the only thing that sent a message that she was done.</p>
<p>I agree. Your D already did the FB block, now you need to block the BF and his mom’s number on her cell phone. (I’m assuming you pay for the cell phone? So it’s up to you to say who can contact D on a phone that YOU are paying for. I think it’s like $5 to put a block on a number, but call your provider and ask). You can block your house phone as well if you want to.</p>
<p>And if the mom tries to contact your D again, I’d take take the gloves off and tell her to stay to stay OUT of it and AWAY from your daughter. Geez…</p>
<p>I don’t think there was a fee to block, not that it matters. She needs to make a srong stand that she is done if that is what she wants.</p>