<p>Don't be too optimistic. If your daughter is really suffering, listen to her.</p>
<p>After the tearful phone call this Wednesday, things have improved dramatically. D had dinner with her roommate and her parents Thursday (they have a house in the area). Everybody showed up at Berkshire today and things are looking up as she really likes her roommate, she's realized that she can keep up with the returning varsity rowers, and she's gotten some SLEEP.
Went up today and am now sporting a Berkshire cap. As I went to Salisbury, this would be like an Andover grad wearing an Exeter hat, like a Choatie wearing a Deerfield belt, like a St. Georgian wearing a Middlesex t-shirt, like a
Kissie wearing a Taft tie, like a Kentian wearing Loomis boxers, like a ...</p>
<p>Jenny, I really think you and your D need to give this some time. I want to be careful how I say this as my reason for even posting here is for a positive outcome for your D. I'm going to assume that your D is or was not depressed before entering her school. Jenny, if there is any posibility that this may be an issue then I would suggest that you speak to the health center immediately.</p>
<p>I remember my D first year at MX, I believe it was around Jan or Feb maybe March, being from Texas the weather a short days can be quite a shock for a Texan and it began to wear on our D. Thank goodness for the health center as they became a wonderful resource in helping her. The school even warned us that it can get pretty bleak (weather wise ) for everybody but especially for Texans and floridians. It appears your D may be homesick and only time will tell how this pans out. For the most part the schools do a fine job with situations of this nature.</p>
<p>As a parent it's hard for me because I cannot call my D at Westover because of their policies. I look forward to Sunday.</p>
<p>Okay, my heart is really breaking now. I got off the phone with my daughter, who was crying her eyes out. It turns out the one friend that she had made in the dorm is a really funny, pretty girl whose family is EXTREMELY wealthy. (They are one of the major benefactors to the school---family business is very well known. If I said the name, you would know it immediately.) The girl has already let people know about her family, and I guess some of the kids are impressed. Anyway, my daughter had told this girl earlier today just how sad and lonely she was, and they were kind of hanging out together. They had made plans to go to the movie on campus this evening. My daughter was in her room getting ready--the other girl knocked on her door and said "Oh, I am going to hang out with my peeps, and then go to the movies. See ya later." </p>
<p>Just to make sure I understood the lingo--I asked my D what "peeps" she was referring to. She was talking about the new kids that this girl had met today. Turns out, they had made plans, but didn't want to include my D. </p>
<p>So, my D is in her room by herself, crying. Her roommate is off with all the other Chinese speaking girls (quite a large group of them in the dorm). </p>
<p>I think it was such a cruel thing for this girl to do--especially since she knew how sad my D has been. I don't know what is going on--I don't think that my daughter is doing anything intentionally to alienate people. As I said, she is extremely popular at home (cheerleader, swim team captain, good student). She is very funny (although as Olivia said--humor is a relative thing--some jokes are only funny when you're in the know.)</p>
<p>I am not at all sure what to do now... Do I let her try to work things out--hopefully find some new friends that she can hang with? Do I fly out there and try to assess the situation for myself? Do I bring her home? I feel so badly for her--this is a 14 year old girl who is normally happy and full of confidence. Now she is crying, feeling completely insecure--truly a different child on the phone. I have never heard her like this. It breaks my heart.</p>
<p>Call the house parent, the advisor. Get them in action. They are there, they know how to handle these things. Call them!</p>
<p>Ditto on what Shelley is saying.</p>
<p>As a previous poster said, my guess is her tears and sadness are having the effect of making other kids uncomfortable - kind of a catch 22 here, isn't it?
:( </p>
<p>What are her advisor, dorm head, prefects or RAs doing to help her adjust? I think in the morning you should get in contact with them and seek their assistance. As painful as it is, I think it is too early to fly out there to her rescue. </p>
<p>My guess is classes haven't started yet but will start on Monday? That will keep her busier and acquaint her with kids outside of her dorm. </p>
<p>My thoughts are with you both - I am sorry to hear you are going through this! :(</p>
<p>You absolutely need to get the dorm parent and the form Dean involved NOW.
They will do whatever they can. Do it now.</p>
<p>Good luck, I feel for you.</p>
<p>jenny,</p>
<p>It sounds like your daughter is kinda lost - i.e. not finding her group yet. Perhaps some of that has to do with where she is living (not with other unattached new kids like herself). </p>
<p>And like you said, she has never had problems having enough friends in the past. And I can assume she has grown up in the same place all her life up until now, so she hasn't had this type of adjustment to make before (new faces new places). It can be overwhelming the first time.</p>
<p>However, if she doesn't stay with this experience and learn coping strategies (either allowing herself to watch the world go by until she knows where - and with whom - to grab on), she will have a smiliar experience when she goes to college - especially if it is a place where her peeps aren't. In fact she will probably make her college choices based upon where her friends go - not necessarily the best thing especially if it is a poor match or worse yet she doesn't get admitted where her friends end up.</p>
<p>She needs to learn how to have patience in working into new friends in new places and accept that for a couple of weeks, things may be slow or even at a dead stop. Staying home on a Saturday night is not the worse thing in the world. It is better than trying to make a bad attachment (wrong people or unsuccessful).</p>
<p>Life will be full of these experiences for her. My D has been through 2 relocations with us (changing time zones each time) before going away to prep school. The first time, I intentionally pushed the moving date forward to have 8 weeks left in the school year so she (and her brother) would have some school time to meet a few kids so the summer wouldn't be lonely. The second relocation was right at the beginning of summer, and by that move, they figured out how to deal with being strangers in a new town.</p>
<p>My D (son is Asperger's autistic and is another story) has absolute confidence that anywhere she goes she will make friends and is not afraid of picking up and going anywhere for college. </p>
<p>What I'm trying to say is that she needs to be successful at the first relocation (to prep school) so that the next relocation (college) will be successful. If she pulls up stakes on this experience, it doesn't bode well for college.</p>
<p>I would relay your daughter's experiences to the house parent and/or advisor and see if they can "arrange" for her to be in better situations where she is with more girls like her (new to town and looking for friends). It sounds like she is trying to just jump on a train that is already going 60 MPH and wondering why she bounces off.</p>
<p>I wish I could give you a magic solution, I truly do. Both of you will get through this, though.</p>
<p>Jenny - make sure that your daughter realizes that these "friendships" made in the first couple of days usually are not the lasting friendships. Kids will eventually wind up connecting with other students. I am sure she will meet some kids she can relate to and shares interests with as the days pass and her schedule becomes more flushed out.</p>
<p>Jenny-I agree with the suggestions about calling the dormparent. I'm surprised the dormparent isn't showing a video in the common room of the dorm or engaging in some other group get-to-know-eachother activity.</p>
<p>If she at least is aware that D is sitting in her room alone, she can invite her out for an ice cream, to make cookies, go for a walk, etc. The dormparent has seen this many times and will know how to approach your daughter and engage her.</p>
<p>I have been in your shoes before. The school can help and you should call them. You'll feel better after talking to them and so will your D once they get her out of her room.</p>
<p>And Goaliedad is right on point!</p>
<p>A friend of mine was once photographed by the local paper while he was teaching his daughter to ride her bike. The reporter asked what was the hardest part of teaching her and the dad said, "letting go of the bike!"</p>
<p>You guys are all wonderful! Thanks so much for all the support and kind words. I agree with you--it is too soon to pull up stakes now. I will be calling the dorm parent tomorrow and see what she suggests. Will keep you posted.</p>
<p>And to goaliedad--yep, you are absolutely right. My daughter has lived in our town her entire life. And even though she was adventurous enough to go to boarding school, she really doesn't like change (xmas decorations have to be the same every year, same holiday menus, etc...) I like your analogy about the train. It took years for her to develop the friendships that she has --- she shouldn't be expecting it to be different just because she is at school. I think if she could just meet one or two girls that she was comfortable with, she will feel much better.</p>
<p>@ jennycraig: The "should I pick her up" solution you mentioned is one of only a few measures that you can take...because you're in a bad position to help and that's one of the few options available to you. That question testifies to how ill-equipped you are to handle this. My S felt this. You read his text messages. They know exactly how to play this. And I believe the pain is real...but not non-stop. She's not calling you when she's feeling better!</p>
<p>This is a matter to leave to the experts who've dealt with this and who are right there, able to address this in ways far less drastic than the options you're weighing. At some point, taking your child home might be an option. In theory, it's an option for all of us. And it should be as remote for you right now as it is for the rest of us here with kids in BS. It's not something you should be contemplating at this early stage. And it's not something you should signal that you're weighing.</p>
<p>You're frustrated by this because you're somewhat helpless. The one thing you can do is what we're all telling you to do -- let the pros take over. Get them involved. Let your daughter vent; but take your cues from the trained people at D's school as to how to react and what you can do from afar.</p>
<p>Remember, you're not just paying for classes. You're paying for a complete package. You entrusted your D to this school and the people who live and work there...and there's no reason for your trust in them to guide your D through this should wane at this point. If this is helpless, they'll let you know. But you should gauge your concern from THEIR feedback to you. It's going to be objective, trained and not delivered to you in crisis mode.</p>
<p>I feel for you. I've been there. It's no fun at all. But I bet you're spending more hours of the day feeling miserable than your D is!</p>
<p>Jennycraig- I really feel for you, and I am hoping for a good outcome. I really believe she will settle in, but I know that your heart is breaking.
I have been there. A number of years ago we chose to put our son in a therapeutic wilderness program against his will. To say he reacted badly (they all do) is an understatement. However, our son wrote that when he turned 18 he was changing his name and leaving the family! The very-experienced therapist told us that was truly a first! I was convinced my son would never speak to us again and that we had "lost" him. Only with the support of the excellent staff did we get through it. It took about 4 weeks for our son to come around, and to this day he agrees that we did the right thing and he talks about going back to the program to work. This is more extreme than your situation, but I do think you will see a rapid change, and the staff at the school should be very used to this kind of situation. You ARE paying for this help, so use every single bit of it.<br>
My wonderful daughter even had an occasional melt-down at Interlochen, and I availed myself of every resource there. I even called her voice teacher to let him know what was going on. They expect this (especially at a place like Interlochen filled with artists/drama queens).</p>
<p>We dropped our daughter off last week at BS (far, far away) and seemed like she was okay the first day and then a little downhill from there. I could tell she was a little lonely because there were a lot of emails from her (fortunately the cell service doesn't work there). But by yesterday she had met some girls that were more like her type of friends than the ones in her dorm and so things are going much better now. These other girls don't live in her dorm. My advice was to tell your daughter to attend all the events this first week or two that she can (there are tons of things going on specifically to get the kids out of the dorm and meeting other kids). I see that in the last few days she is not online and when we called to ask her about something she wanted us to ship, she was over at another dorm visiting one of her newer friends. So, I agree with everyone who is saying to limit the communication and to give it a few weeks. Good luck!</p>
<p>I arrived at BS last week, from far away. I arrived as a 11th-grader, so I knew that it might be harder to make friends because most people knew ane another. I had talked to my roomate online, and I knew we would get along well. But after meeting my other dormmates, and not really connecting with anyone, my second and third nights weren't as happy as I would have liked. Then I decided to call another new student whom I had met online, and we clicked instantly. I also liked a student in a class of mine, and we made fun plans. Suddenly, I was loving BS and everyone, and it really boosted my confidence to know I had peers to confide in.</p>
<p>I think the real problem was that I was trying to befriend people who already had close friends, and I should have looked for other new kids from the beginning. I am way happier now, it's amazing what one day can do to you.</p>
<p>But I admit, when my mother calls, I don't tell her about all the little daily joys, just the big picture, which can sound VERY gloomy. Talking to family actually makes me feel lonelier, so as everyone has said, limit contact. But I hope she doesn't take everything I say too seriously, or worry about me. I can roll with the punches and throw some myself.</p>
<p>Well said 7house. Thanks for your comment. It is great to get some insight through a student's point of view. I think it is human nature for us to focus on the big picture--especially if it is not going especially well, and not mention the times that we did smile or connect with someone, even if only for a few minutes out of the day. </p>
<p>My daughter texted me this AM, complaining about the comforter I had purchased. I took that as a good sign--back to her old self :). Focusing on something that bugs her, instead of pitying herself for not having friends, was a step in the right direction. I did speak with her once in the afternoon and it appears she's hanging out with some new kids--different ones than she had originally met in the dorm. She sounded happier than I have heard in awhile, so hopefully, she is back on track.</p>
<p>Based on the experiences of all the other parents who have responded to this thread, or emailed me, I am sure that she will be fine. Thank you again for all of your comments. I can't tell you how reassuring it was to read your advice--even the ones who said "maybe this isn't the right school for her." Reading all the posts made me focus on why we chose this school in the first place, and confidently tell my daughter that she will get through this--she will make friends and she will be so proud of herself for her resiliency and courage. I was able to have that conversation with my daughter, in part because of the advice I received here. So again thank you!</p>
<p>Please keep us posted on how things progress. I think it sounds like it is turning around.</p>
<p>jenny-
Your post made me smile. Your D will be herself in no time. What a difference a day makes--new friends just like that. If only she had a better bedspread! :)</p>