My over-controlling mother is out of control

<p>POIH - your wife is a bit too obsessive of your daughter, and I think you know it. The difference here is your daughter has you to mitigate the situation. You love your daughter, and you will try to make her happy. You have come up with a solution that would make both your wife and your daughter happy. I don’t think OP has that. OP feels she is on her own to deal with her mother (I am assuming OP is a girl).</p>

<p>POIH - Are you sure you’re not the OP’s parent? ;)</p>

<p>Honestly - having to talk to mommy twice a day when in college, regardless of how little time it takes, is ridiculous. The invasiveness of her mother is obviously taking a toll on her and it’s time for her to assert her independence and time for the mother to come to terms with the fact that her D is growing up and no longer as dependent on her. The sooner they both reach a reasonable equilibrium the better or esle there’ll be a wedge driven between them that won’t be easily removed.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>How can you generalize this? When you generalize something then the value of your advice go to 0. </p>

<p>Not everyone is same and handling different people differently is the skill. We are humans and not computer. You can program a computer but not human.</p>

<p>A lot of things involve immotions and may not dealt with right/wrong. </p>

<p>Is OP going to prison that there need to be set boundaries? It is quite valid to have a schedule to meet RA once a day but schedule to call mom twice is wrong.</p>

<p>Come on you need to grow up too.</p>

<p>POIH, you are being unreasonable. Requiring two phone calls a day from your child at college is not OK. No wonder the parents are on OP about her cell phone use; all the minutes she uses calling her parents probably leave her with few minutes to call anyone else.</p>

<p>If a parent and kid are talking twice a day because both want to, that is one matter. This is a totally different situation because the constant contact is not agreeable to both parties.</p>

<p>But OP, you need to tell your parents that you will NOT be calling twice a day so they are not alarmed when you do not. Good luck.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Might be but I think she is able to talk to me about her problems concering DW. anyway,
in your terms refusal to call DW will be independence.
DD is trying to be independent from what??</p>

<p>She is not required to call me at all but she still catches me once a day. So having a scheduled time to call mom is not a hinderence to her privacy. In my view if she can’t handle this it will not be possible for her to successfully mangae other relations.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>DD is on my cell phone plan and include unlimited text/ Data plan for her IPOD touch and unlimited calling time.</p>

<p>POIH says "Outside in real world you will be exploited the very moment you remove yourself from your parent. Try to learn to use them as your strength and not make it your weakness. "
No. You will not be exploited as soon as you remove yourself from your parent. This is like telling your 3 year old she will be snatched by the grinch if she leaves her mother’s sight…did you tell your D that when she was a toddler? Ironically, you ask OP and your D to be organized; respond to calls as if they were working as a stock broker responding to a client with unreasonable demands on their time. I work in finance and if my analysts and brokers responded with a knee jerk, rule that must be followed approach to every call/every move in the market we would be broke. I am sorry but if my analyst was forced to respond within 30 minutes to answer his mother’s call he would be fired. If he responded to an important client no matter what, did not use good judgement rather than his “call back rule” …he would be fired. Adults should use judgement, moderation and flexibility in their human interactions–not a slavish passive response to a domineering adult be it parent or boss. </p>

<p>OP’s mother is exploiting her D’s love to maintain an unhealthy control over her.</p>

<p>Am I missing something?</p>

<p>Is POIH the OP’s parent? Or, is POIH actually doing the same thing to her child (calling all the time, threatening with money, etc.)?</p>

<p>

Read the OP’s post again. See the anguish and anxiety being caused by the severely controlling nature of her mother. THAT’s what the OP is trying to be independent of. The bit about not REQUIRING a phone call twice a day to mommy is a small step in that direction. Of course, if the OP WANTS to call her mother a couple of times a day then it’s not so relevant but clearly the OP thinks the schedule is invasive and controlling. Maybe if the mother would back off and show more respect for her D their relationship would eventually get to a point where the OP would actually WANT to talk to her mother on a frequent basis and if they can get to that point the conversations will be more fulfilling and they’ll both be far happier. </p>

<p>Simply shifting the burden of ‘receiving’ the call twice a day to having to ‘originate’ the call twice a day does nothing.</p>

<p>There’s a time when we need to let our little birdies exercise their wings.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>And, how will the OP handle deal with explaining to the boss why mommy dearest constantly calling the boss asking where her child is and what she is doing every hour of the day?</p>

<p>Well, suggest a pet, anyway, but don’t get one for her. :)</p>

<p>If I call my kids and they don’t answer, I would expect them to call back within a day or two. I don’t panic. I talk to them about twice a week, sometimes more, more often–less. </p>

<p>If there were a real emergency, the school could track them down. None of those so far.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>There are documented cases that the children of broken family or uncarring parent are exploited 10 times more than the children from healthy families.</p>

<p>If you deny it then why have families at all. The problem with our culture today is to put emphasis or individual privacy without the concern whether or not it is logical at all.
In this time and age nothing is private anymore. You are linked attached to each other by different links (either by work, relations, FB, CC etc)</p>

<p>The need is to learn to understand each of your link and work it out accordingly. No one is trying to control anyone.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>What I’m trying to tell OP is that there are other solutions that can be looked into instead of severing ties between her and her mom.
She can start with a twice a day call, it might cut down anxiety on part of her mother. She can slowly and slowly make it once a day and then one in 2 days or whenever she feels.</p>

<p>But she need to learn to understand her mother and find a solution. Some thing that works for her friend might not be the best solution for her.</p>

<p>Hopefully the mother won’t be trying to contact the OP’s professors next! I can just imagine the confusion and irritation a professor would feel having a parent bombard them with questions on what their child is doing in class, if the child is completing homework assignments, what their grades are, etc. Then again, colleges cannot share grade info with parents unless the child has consented to it beforehand.</p>

<p>I find it hard to believe that there is no cultural reason for the mom’s behavior since this is so far outside the U.S. norm. Were both parents born and raised here? Is the religion an uncommon one, or taken to an unusual extreme?</p>

<p>While I side with the daughter, to a certain extent both mom and daughter are being unreasonable. Most posters here agree that the mom’s demands are extreme. But really, the current complaints revolve around two daily phone calls and the mom’s contacting roommates and dorm manager. The latter is easy to take care of – roommates simply de-friend mom. OP should also have a detailed discussion with dorm manager about her situation and if it arises again, dorm manager should explain to mom that the daughter is fine and it is unacceptable to call unless there is an emergency.</p>

<p>OP should negotiate with mom about phone calls and turn them into texts or emails – one in the morning and one at night. No big deal. This is where to focus some energy – if the mom refuses to accept text or email instead of calls, it’s important to find out why and try to allay her fears and explain the demands of schoolwork.</p>

<p>I understand why OP is upset about the controlling behavior, but realistically, the mom’s demands on her time are few while at college. She would benefit from counseling while at school on how to handle the mom. Staying in college is her best bet for putting some distance between herself and mom.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Doesn’t seem like but yes DW had similar anxiety issue which have been worked out pretty well and so I don’t think DD has any more complaints. But DD is suppose to text twice once in the morning and then before going to bed.</p>

<p>

There are documented cases of children of over-controlling parents being exploited as well. Even the OP made some intimations of running away with the first guy who comes along and/or quitting college in an attempt to get away from under the thumb of her over-controlling mother. This happens all the time actually.</p>

<p>And gaining some independence, which for many really comes to fruition during the college years, is what will enable one to not be exploited - not eternal dependence on the parents.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>The OP doesn’t have a healthy family. She has a family that leaves her feeling depressed, anxious, and isolated. The anxiety in her posts breaks my heart.</p>

<p>Edit: Posted at the same time as ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>That is why OP need to understand there are no free lunch the first person she will run with will exploit her to the extent that she will regret the decision to run away for the rest of her life.</p>

<p>She need to deal with the problem. It is not a big problem. Any one who has such emotional insecurity can be easily dealt with by being organized. Her mom only need an assurance that she still there. It is a feeling which might be in some mother more than others. If OP understand it and try to slowly reduce the dependence then it should work.</p>

<p>Sooner or later she will be on her own anyway, she can take her college time to slowly distance herself instead of abruptly cutting the relation.</p>

<p>The problem of invasion of privacy is a hoax. There is a city here which is going to put camera’s on the only two roads to and from the city to capture the number plates of the car entering and leaving the city.</p>

<p>A majority of people think it is invasion of privacy. People forget when they are out of their house then nothing is private any more.</p>

<p>I want to know what OP meant pages ago when she described mom as just plain . . . mean.
She said it more than once.
I’m a little concerned about this. What does “mean” mean?</p>