Need Perspective, Senior Son Wasting Summer

Parents Forum
61

<p>I’m also a rising senior, and one of the very first things that the college counselers at my school told us at a meeting with my whole grade was USE YOUR SUMMERS WISELY! They said that a college loves nothing more than to see a self-motivated student, who can use their unstructured, free time to do something productive. He should get a job (even if he doesn’t financially need one), he REALLY needs to study for the SAT (with a 3.9 he could go to a great school, but not with that low score holding him back. He should shoot for at least 2200. Seriously.), he should do some community service, and definitely get started on his college apps if he wants to submit a good essay. </p>

<p>Now that I’ve told you (/ repeated what you already said) what he needs to do, I’ll tell you how I think you should do it. It sounds like you’ve tried being nice and it’s time to pull out the big guns. Being too harsh can backfire, and make him resent the college process or become even more lazy, but it sounds like you need to step it up. </p>

<p>Sugesstion 1: Take him on a tour of one of the nations top schools (preferably one with a beautiful campus). Show him what he will be missing out on if he doesn’t get his act together. </p>

<p>Sugesstion 2: If that doesn’t work, take his computer and his games. He’ll get bored, and he may decide to stop being so lazy.</p>

<p>Sugesstion 3: You and your husband should sit him down (together and formally) and have a serious talk with the young man. Tell him that you are the ones who will end up paying for his education, and you’re not going to take it seriously unless he does.</p>

<p>If none of these things work, I don’t know what else to do. I’m telling you though, I’ve never heard of a good college that accepts students with SAT scores below 2000… Best of luck! I hope you can straighten him out! :)</p>

62

<p>I think you may be asking a bit too much at once, and also agree he isn’t doing enough. For me, high school was grueling and I really needed a chance to relax and do things I wanted to do during the summer-- not only get to do them, but not feel the pressure to try and fit them in to the other 8,000 things I need to do. While he definitely needs to be looking at colleges and working on his SAT stuff and maybe doing some volunteer work, if you nag nag nag about it he will end up doing NOTHING instead of finding a balance-- if he’s anything like me. I would take a week or so and just say nothing, let him do his thing, so if he’s annoyed with you for getting after him so much it won’t come up in the coming conversation. Then I would approach one thing at a time, little by little, so that he doesn’t feel overwhelmed when he feels like it’s finally his chance to relax. I am not saying you are in the wrong AT ALL for wanting him to do all those things, but I think the problem is in your approach. If it were me, I would feel overwhelmed with that laundry list of things to do and when I get overwhelmed I get nothing accomplished. Rather then coming in with, “WHY AREN’T YOU DOING THIS THIS AND THIS” just start from the ground up, pick whats most important, and ask him to fit in some time over the next couple days to at least look into that issue-- he doesn’t necessarily even have to put in a full hour, take ten minutes looking into how he wants to prepare for the SAT, take ten minutes making a list of a couple colleges-- which can easily be done while facebooking, I sure did. Should he be responsible enough to jump into it himself and devote a real amount of time to it? Sure. But obviously trying to nag him into it isn’t working, and the goal is for him to succeed, not just for you to win the argument.</p>

<p>I really don’t think trying to “step up” and force him to do it is going to work out for you. If you are forcing him to study when he isn’t into it he is not going to perform well, even if he actually complies with your demands. You are getting too wrapped up and need to take a step back and work with him, he is a person, not a studying robot. I mean I can’t stress enough that you are RIGHT, he does have important responsibilities this summer, but he needs to be allowed a break from the pressure, too.</p>

63

<p>My son isn’t doing as much as I’d like either, but one thing he does find relatively painless is the SAT question of the day. He’s also volunteering at the senior center - we’d hoped it would be more extensive, but they’re only keeping him busy about 8 hours a week. My office is using him about 5 hours a week, and he’s supposed to be putting a website together. (That’s the part that he’s dragging his heels on.) And needless to say he hasn’t done any essay writing, but I can’t say I expected it. Unfortuately all my kids take after their procrastinating parents.</p>

64

<p>For my daughters, I asked them READ the essay questions for the school they knew they were going to apply to, and for the common application. I also asked them to print out the common application and let me fill in MY part-education, etc. It got them thinking about the questions. </p>

<p>I am not one for spending all summer doing “college prep” stuff- I am one however, who thinks that idle sitting around doing nothing, destressing is not a good way to waste a summer.</p>

<p>Yes HS is hard these days, but you don’t need three months to destress. Young men and women coming back from war often have less time, less breaks for something much more demanding.</p>

<p>Going to a museum, working in your local park pulling weeds, walking a neighbors dog, are actually very relaxing and good for the mind, heart and soul.</p>

<p>Volunteering is about as rewarding and healthy an activity as any teen can do. It makes them realize that their whining over homework, cleaning their room, and a hovering parent are nothing compared to a vet who lost his legs, or a homeless child, or an eldery widow and what they have and are going through.</p>

<p>As a parent, my job is to help create a well rounded, mature, thoughtful, caring, member of society, And to me, that means I don’[t just let my child sit around playing video games all summer, cause they are “stressed”.</p>

<p>Maybe if that stressed kid spent a sunday volunteering at a charity walk, or went to neighbors and collected old towels for the spca, or looked at some art at a local gallery, they wouldn’t be so darned overwhelmed.</p>

<p>Some of the smarted luckiest kids do nothing, and some of the kdis with hardships somehow manage to go and give to others and not whine about mom asking too much of them.</p>

65

<p>I agree with others who say the PSAT/SAT discrepancy doesn’t make sense. I was a NM semi-finalist based on PSAT and then got a math score so low on SAT that I had to take a test in college to test out of remedial math. I never really thought about it, but when I took the GREs, my math score was almost as high as my verbal. Only since hanging out on CC have I realized that either my SAT was mis-scored or I did something like skip one item and then all the rest were screwed up. I think a retest is in order.</p>

<p>I agree with ilovetoquilt that just doing something is good, but I actually do think it shows up indirectly on a college app in the form of in interesting essay. Try not to make your kid crazy with expectations. My son didn’t start anything with apps until senior year and did a great job. I was a little nutso pushing him to do them all before December and I wish I could take that back. He did them in his own time and I needn’t have been so pushy and stressed.</p>

66

<p>I’m a rising senior. I’ve been actively conducting a college search independent of my parents (with the exception of drives to college visits and discussions with them about “how far is too far”). I’ve been volunteering, have stayed extremely politically active (my US Senator is holding a town hall meeting across town next week and I’m actually excited to “confront him”), and have continued my school year commitment to work at least 30 hours a week as a dishwasher at a local restaurant to help my family out (really struggling and my extra couple hundred bucks helps A TON) and save some money to cover application fees (I’ve been thinking about this and if I don’t get into my ED school, I’m looking at like close to $1000 in app fees and I KNOW my family doesn’t have that kind of money nor will I go the fee waiver route). Thank goodness I already got the SAT out of the way after two tries jr. year so all I have to worry about studying/doing for August are SAT IIs (which I really should have taken in May instead of my SAT I retake, so I’m stuck studying for stuff that I wouldn’t have had to study for if I had taken the SAT IIs at the same time as AP tests), summer homework, and starting with app essays. Hearing from other students talk about how much they do (on CC and elsewhere), I start to feel bad about what I used to think was not enough. But this thread makes me think otherwise. Your kid sounds lazy and uncaring. I go into all this not because I want to toot my own horn (I try to be as modest as possible, especially because normally I’m self-conscious about my “ECs” or whatever because I see so many [or what I think are so many] kids that do more, better things), but because it makes me realize that I’m actually prepared to go out there and tackle all this while there are SO MANY kids that are totally oblivious to what’s coming up. For some reason, that’s taking the stress off of me. It’s weird. Hearing about your (OP) son has been a sort of confidence booster for me.
EDIT: Oh, and to those questioning the PSAT/SAT gap…I think it’s the writing section. I didn’t do a lick of prep for it (or even think about it) and went up from a 65 on the PSAT to a 700 on my first SAT to a 780 on my final SAT. I’d imagine the same thing could happen in the opposite direction (and have heard from others–very strong writers–that this actually has happened to them). The section is mess.</p>

67

<p>

One possibility is the splash of cold water from this could be telling him that there’s a chance he isn’t as good as he thought. Many smart kids have done well without a lot of work; they put in time, but they put it in with a sense of “this is going to make me do better” rather than a plaintive wish “I hope this helps”. And if this is in any way relevent, then there’s a big ego check in studying for the SAT. What if he really busts his buns studying and he doesn’t do much better? In a twisted way, it’s better not to do the extra work since that prevents the thought from ever arising. Sense of self is preserved.

Again, just throwing this out there by cherry-picking thru what you’ve written, but what if more is going on than you know? Pot, drinking, and other drugs are easily obtainable by HS kids. One easy way to fit in is to start hanging out with kids that like to “party”, and of course they’re going to go out and stay with their friends until they’re ready to come home. Lack of interest in school, change of habits, not wanting to talk to you perhaps out of a fear of being asked questions he doesn’t want to answer or fear of letting something slip… It’s at least a consideration here.</p>

68

<p>^ Mikemac, I totally agree with your points.</p>

69

<p>I am a rising college freshman and distinctly remember last summer.</p>

<p>I hate to sound harsh but he really needs to face the music. Just getting good grades is NOT enough to get into a good school and the sooner he realizes this the better. Is he happy with his SAT score? Offer to set up a study plan with him or come up with some sort of incentive (dinner out) for him to set up his own study plan. And make sure he sticks to it. </p>

<p>As to the learners’ permit, that is a personal choice, but in my state it was merely a matter of taking a simple writing test. Give him three options of when you are free, force him to pick one, and drive him to the DMV himself. </p>

<p>As to the volunteering, it’s possible that the senior center is just not doing it for him anymore. I know it’s late in the summer but perhaps he could start his own project or find somewhere else to volunteer that is more appealing to him, and continue on the project during the year.</p>

<p>If all else fails, get someone like a school guidance counselor or pediatrician to set him straight. Often kids will listen to the exact same message as you’re giving as long as it’s given by someone else.</p>

70

<p>I wasted every single summer of my life thus far, and my life has not gone down the toilet. In fact, it’s like the smear that sticks along the side of the toilet bowl and refuses to be washed away by the vicious current “expectations.”</p>

71

<p>I’d recommend getting a job over volunteering. Jobs prepare you more for college and especially internships. In my experience, companies hiring interns want students who have a proven ability to work a steady job. All of this comes from a senior engineering student, so if your son or daughter is looking into Liberal Arts, volunteering may be better.</p>

72

<p>Very rare are the kids in our town who do anything in the summer but loaf. Work is apparently for “other people”. Oh well. Our 16 yr. old was expected to work and volunteer around a pretty busy sports tournament schedule. He was furious that this was the expectation, but too bad!</p>

73

<p>Very interesting discussion. Thanks for starting the thread, francie. </p>

<p>I’ve often wondered where my kid fits on the summer-loafer-to-burn-out scale. I’ve also wondered where I am on the nag scale. Now I know.</p>

74

<p>But aren’t alot of the larger state schools more stat driven when it comes to admissions? Do they really care at Ohio State that you did an internship before senior year? The kids here all go to the state schools and their parents say it doesn’t make a difference what they do in the summers, that that’s more for liberal arts private admissions?</p>

75

<p>My friends’ kids in the Northeast are all doing internships in the city, or taking a full load of college level courses, or travelling abroad with some group. The kids here are like, “Hey dude, lets catch some rays!”. Its like swimming upstream.</p>

76

<p>

</p>

<p>I liken it to potty training. That is, having “accidents” in spite of a familiar recipe of readiness, incentive, nagging, and peer pressure.</p>

77

<p>$100 he’s taken a liking to weed.
pay pal me :)</p>

78

<p>I agree, work is good, but in this climate, if you can’t get a job, as you are competing with more people for fewer jobs, volunteering is at least something worthwhile. Say you are an engineering student, well, we once did a service project at the local zoo. It was laying irrigation lines. I learned alot that day about water flow, angles, and all kinds of things I never thought I would digging in the dirt.</p>

<p>Or my daughter’s internship for a radio station. She now reads the news for her college station. </p>

<p>Even engineers need soome people skills :slight_smile: and often if you can’t get “relevant” work, learning how real life works is pretty helpful</p>

<p>Kind of sad wasting your summers. The world is full of so many things to do and things to learn, and see. And so many people that need help. I just can’t imaginemy daughters doing nothing all summer. They would have gone nuts.</p>

79

<p>It’s starting to seriously look like a case of procrastination until the last minute–which causes the surge of adrenaline and the subsequent stepping up to happen.</p>

<p>He is going to test for his Learner’s Permit today (happily) and is printing out the Common App as we speak with a view to getting started on the essay (also happily!). I put a few skillfully timed words to him about what senior year was going to look like if he left it all until then, but it really seems as though he had his timer set for early August all along.</p>

<p>He is starting to look again like the boy I am used to seeing. He has always functioned by pulling it out at the last minute. I’m just glad that “the last minute” appears to him to be August instead of the night before the ED deadline…</p>

<p>I was waiting for someone to suggest drugs/alcohol (I would have thought of that too, reading a post like mine), but happily that isn’t a concern–he’s always been extremely anti-substance, plus I always know where he is and he is still talking enough that I feel in touch with an issue like that. But thanks for the concern.</p>

<p>Also interesting, the input here regarding the PSAT/SAT discrepancy. So baffling. He was a little more nervous for the SAT than the PSAT, but not that significantly… I think I answered in a PM that he did Kaplan test prep before the PSAT and nothing before the SAT…did the Kaplan prep wear off? Is it recommended to go over the same test-taking strategies again? He is generally a great tester–always 99% on standardized tests.</p>

80

<p>I dont know for sure, but it sounds like this is your only child. I have one and his is 19. He graduated from HS one year ago and sat out. I was devistated that he did not go to college last year, right away. But, I realized he had to want it and needs to do it on his own. My son is very independent and stubborn. So this had to be his choice. We gave our spill to him and told him our concerns, but it comes down to this: his future is in his own hands. </p>

<p>He had to work and pay for his own needs! That was the only stipulation we had for him while he sat out for a year and thought of what he wanted to do with his life. </p>

<p>Your son sounds like he has been doing what you wanted him to for a long time- and of course that is how it should be. You guided him to be the man he is today. He is now about to embark on a new life and that is really scary for teens. He may just want to “relax” a bit and get it out of his system. My son did his relaxing for a year and realized all his friends were working and going to school and some taking care of homes and apartments. This I believe, woke him up and now he is heading off to college. All of this was his decicsion. </p>

<p>It is a huge change for kids/teens/young adults. He will come around eventually. I would not push him too much. He probably wants to start making his own decisions, on his own time. It sounds like you have been a good mom and he knows that. He just needs to take those tools you gave him and start putting them to use on his own. Your little baby is growing up and it is a scary thing for both of you. Good luck and hope things work out for you both.</p>