<p>Glad to see things are looking up!!! I can imagine how worried you must have been. And, of course, the drug concern is valid, but it sounds like you have a good handle on that too. </p>
<p>My DS has finally started filling out online applications. Several of them became available Aug 1, so I think that helped to make it all seem “real!”</p>
<p>WOW, my parents are definitely not like this. I never knew parents were so hard-core and took such interest in getting their children into college (I live in Canada so things are a bit different). Constructing a schedule and to-do list for your children? I wish my parents did that. My case was: when my brother was in high school, he coasted through, getting mid to high 80s, joining no clubs, doing nothing in the summer except for a part-time job and an unpaid internship during the summer of his senior year. He didn’t get accepted to his top choice but got into his 2nd choice. Me on the other hand, I volunteered a camp my sophomore summer (that means going into grade 10 correct? We don’t use freshman, sophomore, junior, senior in Canada) and this summer I went to a month long summer enrichment program and I’m about to start an internship at a non-profit. I am a member of numerous clubs and get decent marks (l’ve always got 90s, we don’t use GPA in Canada).</p>
<p>The difference between my parents treatment of my brother and I, is that my parents always harassed my brother to do things, get a job, get his license, don’t play video games, whereas my parents don’t really hound me for anything, they tell me to not be involved in so much. I am self-motivated and I think that’s key. I think just inspiring your son to get into top universities should be enough. I would recommend the same as a previous post and get them to go on a campus tour of a really nice top-tier university. Then just prod them along to get to work and remind them what’s required to get in. That’s just my experience.</p>
<p>My S’s were on their own track to college applications as well. They both got there in their sweet time, and I earned a few gray hairs in the process (For ex., one of them decided to take the ACT on a whim without studying, got a score in the 30s and then announced that he hadn’t sent the score to any of his schools. I helped him have the score overnighted to beat application deadlines. He ultimately was accepted into an Honors College at his chosen university and his scholarship was increased on the basis of that ACT score). </p>
<p>D, on the other hand, has already completed her common application, put each school’s application and brochure in color coded files, has mapped all deadlines on a calendar and confirmed that her reference letters (which she requested at the end of Jr. year) have been written and are in the guidance office.</p>
<p>We’re not talking about little kids on Summer break from elementary school here. While each kid is on their own clock, I see no reason for a 17 yr old to need the summer off to relax, de-stress, play computer games, play with friends, etc. This is wasting a summer that could be used in so many more productive ways. </p>
<p>I admit to being a really, really mean parent. I expected my high school kids to put in a minimum of 5 or 6 hours of productive activity each weekday, whether it was gainful employment so they could pay for their own college spending money & books, studying, volunteering, or summer school classes. They’ve taken a week or two to go from school mode to summer mode, but my teenagers have not had the “summer off.” I even make sure they wake up in the morning, vs. sleeping all day and playing games or partying all night. They also have to do some chores, as members of the household. Why wouldn’t they? I understand that there’s a special place in H— for mean parents like me. </p>
<p>OP’s S may be on a different schedule than my D (whose preparation is a little compulsive even to me), but it sounds as if he’s getting more focused now that we’re in August. It’s too bad he didn’t use the June and July more productively, but perhaps he will look back on this summer as his best summer ever!</p>
<p>Neonzeus: Special place in h—! <em>laugh</em> I dunno about that, but I don’t think <em>I</em> could live up to your rules. We sleep in until at least noon at my house on the weekends, and often after 1 PM. OTOH, my daughter puts in 5-6 hours a day just in studying and building her art skills.</p>
<p>Neo- you are my kind of parent, I agree with you. And that was my plan pretty much for my kids. Some days it might have been 4 hours, others 7. But no sleeping in until noon. On weekends, I didn’t bug them until ten, but even they said they didn’t want to sleep away a sunny day.</p>
<p>What is interesting is that most of their friends were busy anyway. Working, volunteering, helping mom, visiting relatives. None of their friends had much idle time either on weekdays. When my daughter was free, her friends might be working. It was the norm to be busy doing SOMETHING, not just contemplating the belly button. When they were busy,and it wasn’t like it was doing something they hated- it was taking a run, going to a lecture, interning, they seemed happier. They slept better, they ate better, they spent less time on facebook, they were more interested in the world, and others. Just really pleasant to be around. I think it was because they were in the world, and doing “adult things”- being around other adults who expected them to act like young adults. So when they cam home, I could see they were growing and evolving before my eyes.</p>
<p>If my daughter wasn’t interning 8 hors a day, 5 days a week, I can’t imagine who she would hang out with and what she would do?</p>
<p>Last year she took some classes at the local art university, and interned. She was happier busy than just having me annoy her all day. Interning was better than me having her wash the baseboards,thats for sure.</p>
<p>Yes she had free time, yes she saw her friends, but it wasn’t all day, it was evenings and satrudays. And they did things- went to shows, organized picnics. I asked my daughter about working/interning 40 hours a week. She said, what else would I do? And with whom? SHe had a week and a half off after school was over and a week off this week. Same pretty much all through hs. She destressed just fine.</p>
<p>Coming from a fellow rising senior, I think you maybe are being a LITTLE too hard on him. I was recently laid off of my job due to the economy and I have applied for countless jobs and gotten absolutely no word back.</p>
<p>I also think that saying his 1870 (or whatever) on the SATs was disappointing is ludicrous.</p>
<p>Have you done anythingwith your free time? Volunteered? Interned? Better to do something,than nothing. Just becasue the market is tight, doesn’t mean a young adult or teen shuoldn’t find productive ways to fill their time. </p>
<p>My daughter looked for work, couldn’t find a job, but got an amazing internship. Down the road, when looking for a paying job,the skills she learned, the people she met, the recommendation she got will be invaluable.</p>
<p>Not being able to get a paying job is just a valid enough reason for not bothering to do anything productive. Again, sometimes just doing a project for someone because its the right thing to do can pay off somehow down the road. You never know. </p>
<p>We had a friend whose son helped her neighbor by cleaning up her yard. He was aked by another meighbor if he would like to get paid to do that neighbors yard. A quick bit of cash. And even if he never got asked by the other neighbor to work, just helping someone was reqard enough.</p>
<p>ilovetoquilt22, While I agree with your sentiment, your posts are coming off a little strong and judgemental. Please remember that everyone’s situation is different and we don’t all have the same opportunities as your children.</p>
<p>Sorry!! I just am very passionate about volunteering and think that there is always something that a young person can do if there isn’t a paying job available.</p>
<p>My daughter’s, yes they got lucky in a few of their vlunteer’internships, but we also did some really simple, basic, every community has, type of volunteeiring. Food kitchens,park cleanups,zoo…</p>
<p>I just don’t want to kids to think that if there is no paying job that is the end of it. Its not. Spending a summer just chilling just seems a waste of a time to me, and to most kids I know.</p>
<p>Soory if it comes across as judgemental, I guess its more frustration seeing so much talent just being idle. And not seeing the real potentilal and good that can come from helping others. If MY kids had said, well I couldn’t get a job and I really tried, well I would expect my own child to fill her days with something worthwhile, being a contributing member of society. That’s me and my expectations for my kids. And you know, they actually really agree with me.</p>
<p>And I agree with you too. I have similar expectations for my own kids. But, in order to meet those expectations, a kid needs to live where there are soup kitchens and zoos and labs or hospices, whatever. Plus some parental transportation, or a car of their own, or public transportation. Having all those things available is not an easy combination. Just because YOUR kids made it happen doesn’t mean everyone can. They probably want to, but can’t. Please stop preaching.</p>
<p>(And, for the record, my kid has a job and volunteers regularly. I’m not taking your posts personally. I’m just sticking up for kids who are stuck at home despite good, honorable intentions. Every kid’s situation is different. It’s not fair to assume a kid is idle by choice.)</p>
<p>Hmmm. “I am deprived sir, there were no soup kitchens for miles around, may I still go to college?” 
sorry if THATS snarky, but Im trying to wrap my head around the areas that are both public transport deprived, lacking in volunteer opportunities, not affluent enough for lots of cars, etc, etc. Some rural area without rural charities?</p>
<p>That is true,some people live where public transportation isn’t available or can’t afford to give their child a car or they don’t drive. My son couldn’t do some after school activities that were only an hour or so on certain days, because he couldn’t take the bus and was at the mercy of taking rides from other students (many who couldn’t take other students yet) My daughters are home after school and do not have transportation anywhere until we get home unless someone else takes them. My son worked evenings in high school when he could take the car or have us drop him off, but we didn’t have a lot of options. Saturday’s and Sunday became the volunteer/work day, but there were many opportunities that were missed, especially when I worked 2 jobs. I knew parents that stayed home or had jobs that let them leave or make their own schedules and that helped, but not everyone has the same options. We still can’t afford 3 cars, but I don’t think colleges expect the impossible. When you find something within your limits, that’s fine. My girls babysat, did a little housesitting, etc.</p>
<p>I never had it held against me when I applied to colleges, that I couldn’t do very much with both my parents working and not having jobs that allowed them a lot of freedom. Many parents here sound like they are home with their children watching them do nothing, that is different from a parent that leaves for work at 7 and gets home after 5 or 6. I worked very close to home but that took some ingenuity and I went one summer without work after turning 16. I did things in the evening, but that cuts down on a lot of opportunities that would be available only during the day.
I know from interviews that admissions know what you can do and not do, that don’t expect everyone to be the same, not everyone can have access to certain things, not everyone can afford certain things. I never gave it a thought at the time which was good in retrospect.</p>
<p>*** Guild Wars is lame. </p>
<p>No, but seriously, I think that if you don’t assert yourself as a parent, your son will start to slowly lose that respect for you. It’s subtle - and I know because I am a rising college freshmen and one parent is always firm, always the leader giving orders that I sometimes agree with, sometimes hate. The other is like, yeah go do whatever, you’ll get into a good college or a decent one, either way you’ll be fine. I love them both, but it’s the first that made me who I am. </p>
<p>So the point is always put your foot down. Don’t be scared of conflict. In wolf tribes, if the pup didn’t act right, the mother would bite it or not feed it or something, and ultimately that would be best for the pup. </p>
<p>I’d cut the Guild Wars. The MMO dynamic is especially bad for teens, myself included, because it actually convinces the mind subconsciously that reality is his elf character, and therefore the old reality, which is now the secondary reality, things that used to be important, like driving, golf, etc fade in importance. However, be warned that when an outside force disrupts one’s reality, one reacts with explosive violence. That means, if you try to cut guild wars, prepare for drama.</p>
<p>I think it’s reasonable to expect the kid to do more, but to be honest, I also see a lot of the posts here as overreactions.</p>
<p>I’m just now learning to drive (at 24). I realize that not everyone lives in a place with public transit (my hometown’s public transit was an underdeveloped bus system), but I still find the “He HAS to learn to drive NOW, and if he doesn’t want to you should drag him into it!” mentality bewildering (though I think my mom wishes she had taken it with me - it drives her crazy that I waited so long, even though I was very careful to deal with my own transportation and not impose on her). It’s a useful skill, and I probably SHOULD have learned it earlier, but, you know, even in a locale with no public transit, he can ride a bike.</p>
<p>I did do stuff during the summers - I swam and dove on a summer league team, and I ran 45 miles/week. I volunteered as a judge for the little kids’ events in the diving league, and kept up with current events in the papers. I did basic household chores. Other than that, I lounged around the air-conditioned house reading books, listening to music, and occasionally playing computer games. And I went to Team Trivia with my dad and his friends. Summer was very much my decompression time. No academics, no stress. Since I was living at my dad’s during the summers, no babysitting my baby brother for 10-20 hours/week. It was great. I certainly didn’t write any college admissions essays during the summer. I might have studied a bit for the SAT IIs during the relevant summer, but not a huge amount, a few hours a week at most.</p>
<p>And yet, somehow, despite my lazy high school summers, I got into six of the US News Top 20, and I think I turned out fine. I have a good degree, a good job, am continuing my education, volunteer in my community, and have many hobbies.</p>
<p>I realize that I was doing a lot more than the OP’s son. But I was doing a lot LESS than many of you seem to think is absolutely necessary. My point isn’t that the kid shouldn’t have to do <em>anything</em>, it’s that there’s a happy medium.</p>
<p>Francie: I completely understand your situation. I started being nervous nellie back in january because my daughter’s counselor recommended that we visit at least 3 colleges before the end of junior year. Back then there was no list at all and she got nauseous every time I mentioned the word “College”. We did visit random colleges but it came to a point where I decided to throw the towel and just wait for the summer. Her SAT situation is also similar to your son’s in the sense that it doesn’t correlate to her grades at all and when she got her scores she was pretty disappointed.
Summer came and things were not getting done. She is also taking a killer schedule of classes and EC’s so most if not all of the college application work has to be done before school starts.
<ul>
<li>Don’t feel bad about taking charge and guiding him, he still has to do the work himself. Some kids are ready to do this all on their own and others are not. I think that taking the steps i mentioned above and working together will be a valuable lesson for him and will teach him how to tackle an overwhelming and life changing task such as this one in the future. </li>
</ul>
<p>I hope this helps. Good Luck!</p>
<p>I just graduated high school and did the exact same thing as your son last summer. It was to do with the future looming as you suggested. But don’t worry. He is likely just enjoying his time while he can. Come school and applications he will get his act together. The people that urge students to start writing college essays over the summer or to start applications then don’t know what they are talking about. That is just asking for trouble. Does he know where he wants to attend college? Does he have a dream school? If so, it is likely that he knows what he needs to do to achieve admission. Lay off him a bit and see what happens in a month or so. If he is still refusing to think about SAT’s and such come school, then maybe start talking about specific colleges/programs to try to get him excited instead making him nervous.</p>
<p>I’d just like to respond to the OP’s concern. I think the concern is natural, and I encourage the OP to set firm limits that are reasonable and similar to those that I see in place for most rising seniors. That is to hold a job or pursue a course of study or attend some kind of summer program, in balance with some down time and a vacation. Your son will thank you later if he has already drafted up some college essays before the hectic pace of senior year kicks in, as he can pull them out of a folder later on instead of trying to write something at 11:59 the night before a deadline. Asking him to spend 30 minutes a day on an essay or SAT prep or looking at potential schools on the web does not seem like a huge imposition to me. College road trips and working on driving sound like excellent ideas. Stand firm! Set consequences and limits. Don’t be afraid to be a parent. He will thank you for it later on (at least, my DS did)</p>
<p>malan, i just want to commend you for your maturity and hard work and wonderful attitude. you must be a real blessing to your family. you deserve the best and here’s hoping you will be be accepted by your ed of choice!</p>
<p>Disclaimer: I only read the first post.</p>
<p>First off, the few times I’ve roamed the Parent Cafe I get quezzy. My parents sat me down ONE TIME in tenth grade after a bad term (6 weeks) and said, “It’s your future do with it as you want. We will support you through college and then you’re on your own. If you don’t get into college then when you graduate HS you’re on your own.” That was it. I graduated with a good gpa, good SAT scores, and got into a very respectable business program. I know have a 4.0 GPA and lists of internship offers. </p>
<p>I’m sorry but when I see parents like the OP I feel sorry for the kid. Your son does very well in HS and wants to enjoy doing what he wants the summer before some of the hardest 4 years of his life and you are complaining. Then I constantly read parents saying “Oh i’m so stressed out”. You people are 40-50, grow up. Stop being over-bearing. Let your son do as he pleases. It is very much a recent phenomenon, the whole parents getting so involved in College admissions and putting so much pressure on kids, and it’s disgusting. I remember seeing parents come up to my school to schedule private meetings, without their kids, with the college admissions counselor and it was bad enough. Then I saw a message board that is filled with parents stressing out and complaining about their kids (VOMIT). College is about two things (and it starts with the admission process): 1) Doing well and getting a good education. 2) Growing as an adult and learning to live on your own. Stop taking away the 2nd (and in my opinion more important part) from your kids. </p>
<p>My parents let me and my college counselor handle all admissions processes and when I had my options we had 2 meetings about what school I’d be attending. Then I see an entire forum about parents doing all this research for their kids and complaining about their kids. </p>
<p>I’ll just say, I’m glad my parents let me grow up myself and I do not have the over-bearing, annoying parents that crowd these forums.</p>
<p>All of you, have fun getting two phone calls a year (Birthday and Xmas) from your kids because off all the pressure you’ve put on them and how much you have lived vicariously through them. I’m going to go vomit.</p>