<p>Helms, you take posts far too seriously. Please accept my apologies if I offended you. It wasn't my intent. You asked for advice and clarification and I gave it--with qualifications and guesses. That is the internet, alas. I am sorry the responses made you irritable. </p>
<p>Also, I had my dates wrong. My family arrived in 1633 with Baron Baltimore. They landed and settled in Mary Land.</p>
<p>Spelmom... I agree. If they needed us... .we'd definitely hear from them. I know, we're their sounding boards... where they vent.... where they are safe to let loose. </p>
<p>Actually, my son just called a few minutes ago. He said, you know, I heard from everyone today but one person. Aha! he noticed! Truthfully, the IMs he "received" from my H were dictated to me.... so while he thought he was typing with his dad, he was really typing with me. But I didn't let on... and made his brother promise not to tell. It was very brief (the IMs)... mostly they were discussing their fasts and what time holiday was over, and when they were going back to temple. The whole conversation was no more than 2-3 minutes. I even made some typos, so he'd really think it was his dad (who can't type at all).</p>
<p>Anyway... he called... we chatted. he was very forthcoming. Gave me lots of info. I asked if I scored "brownie points" for NOT contacting him for 2 days, to which he replied, first, "I didn't notice"... and then, "yeah, you did".</p>
<p>I asked if he was planning on watching Studio 60 tonight (we're both huge Aaron Sorkin fans) and he said yes, told me with whom. I asked if he would email me to recap the show & tell me what he thought, and he said he planned to call me again when it was over.</p>
<p>So of course, I feel pretty good now. This feeling should last a day or two. Then back to the old merry go round.</p>
<p>I think we all deserve a lot of credit for our strength. This is really incredibly difficult. What a rollercoaster ride!</p>
<p>Cheers - I'm ok. If you saw my little smiley's, :-) it was because i was writing, with humor, tongue in cheek. You brought up your family history which I thoroghly enjoyed. I spent several years tracing our family lineage back to the Mayflower. It was tiring but very rewarding. Anyway, no apologies necessary. I do appreciate your posts. Please feel free to add to the thread, or any others. Your input is appreciated. Best wishes to you and your family.</p>
<p>That's great, nymom. My son called this afternoon also; he said he had not received the calls from his dad yesterday--he has been complaining that he misses calls on the cell, but won't plug in the land phone--go figure. Anyway, he and his roommate had just re-arranged their room and he seemed pleased about it and wanted to share. So I give myself brownie points for going the eight days without calling. I'm shooting for two weeks next--heck, this could turn into a reality tv show!</p>
<p>Spelmom - Congrats to you. Good job. sounds like your son is going great. You must be thrilled.</p>
<p>I am a senior in H.S. and was looking through the parents forum when this thread caught my eye. My mom tends to be pretty attached to my brothers and me so I know my leaving for college will be a big emotional event in her life. Anyway, for her birthday this year, I came across a great birthday gift for a parent with a student away-- a webcam. I got one for my mom (really high quality yet inexpensive on eBay) and she was amazed by the concept and is very excited to get to use it once I go off to college. For my mom, I think this will provide a better form of communication than a detached voice over the phone, or in emails. This is just an idea...</p>
<p>What a thoughtful birthday gift. I'm sure your mom will make good use of your gift and have fond thoughts of you every time she uses her webcam to communicate with you & others.</p>
<p>You are a very considerate and empathetic child--your folks are very lucky!</p>
<p>Spelmom -- you went 8 days without calling? that's incredible. I know I couldn't do that. I really give you a ton of credit! You've got incredible self restraint. Did he call you at all during that time? IM? Email? My S hasn't connected the landline either. The room comes with 2... his roommate connected his, but my S doesn't want to be bothered. He feels his cell is enough. He doesn't seem to miss calls... but every so often, if he's missed a call, it takes a while to show up.</p>
<p>My S did call me back last night to discuss the tv show. But he was busy.... people kept coming into his room.... and I was exhausted... so we didn't really talk that long.</p>
<p>As for the webcam, we have a couple of them. My younger son's best friend moved to Australia 2 years ago, so I bought them "a pair to split". But it never really worked right on the friend's Mac.... even though I bought one that was supposedly PC/Mac compatible. I never even thought to use it at home. My older S has a webcam also, and even has it with him at school. I should probably go on the younger one's computer & try it out with him. Then again... I'm not sure I want to see what his dorm room looks like. Last night he told me a girl came in to borrow his cleansers (yes, I sent him with a complete supply) and she had to break open the seal on the Lysol all-surface cleaner. And that his room smelled from rotten eggs.</p>
<p>nymom: I know it's tough, but you have to get used to not hearing from your kids every two days!</p>
<p>With my 3rd one in college, I am sort of used to this. He is the one I fretted most over in HS b/c he was smart but sort of a slacker, so it has been tough not knowing what he is doing all the time, but I am sucking it up. He has assured me he is learning "time management" so that's good.</p>
<p>I was prepared by his older brother, who is quite independent and capable. We're lucky to hear from him every 2 weeks. I send emails and get no response unless it's an obviously urgent matter. He hasn't updated his LJ since early Sept. so that's no help. I just know he's busy and has a life in another state that at the moment doesn't include us, and may never include us unless he needs money or a place to live for the summer. (Except for those holiday visits--yay!)</p>
<p>The hardest was my first-born, the daughter we sent off to NYC for Columbia/JTS. This was a week before 9/11, so you can imagine the first fall semester was a little tougher than usual. After life got back to normal, she did call once a week, often because she needed a cooking hint. </p>
<p>I think parents get so used to doing all the worrying for their kids, when they go away we have a huge chunk of emotional time we need to fill. We need to stop worrying and turn that time to good purpose. If you don't have a job that keeps you busy enough, find a volunteer outlet. </p>
<p>Trust that your kids made it this far without breaking (the "tea cup" syndrome), and let them go.</p>
<p>PS. It just occurred to me that I have enough worrying to do with parents getting older, friends getting older and succumbing to diseases...it is nice not to have to worry constantly about the offspring!</p>
<p>Well I have no kids in college yet, but my son has been away the past three summers at a collegiate program where he lives in the dorms. I could not even imagine him wanting to talk to me every day while he's away, much less twice in one day! I'm curious...did your children go away for summers before college and if so, didn't you have a period of time where you didn't talk to them?</p>
<p>OneSharon:</p>
<p>Yes, my kids have been away every summer... the older one went to camp beginning age 10 for 5 years (for 8 weeks - and we only had 4 phone calls, 10 mins each + 1 visiting day each time)... then 6 weeks on a cross country teen tour; then 6 weeks at a summer study at Michigan, then 5 weeks taking courses at BU... and this summer... working 9 weeks at a sleepaway camp. He's also traveled extensively across the US with his youth group. We are quite well-versed in spending time apart. The younger one (now almost 16) began 5 sleepaway camp summers (same drill) at age 9... then did a 3 week teen tour... this summer worked at a local pool and traveled (alone) to Australia to visit a friend who moved there 2 years ago. He was away for 2 weeks, then came home for a week, and spent another 5 days at a basketball camp at Syracuse Univ. He does not really like to be away from his home friends, so we've come to terms with that.</p>
<p>As you can see, I'm really used to them being away. And except for the anxiety of the overseas trip to Australia (I had a hard time with him being on a plane for 22 hours, most of it over the Pacific)... we're really ok. Any stress I felt while they were away was mostly with the younger one, when he was unhappy... only because he'd rather be home, with his friends (this has nothing to do with him missing me -- as long as he's with a friend, he's fine).</p>
<p>I think you might have missed my earlier posts, which explained that, while I admit I would like frequent quick catch-ups (IMs or phone) .... as I do with my own parents (and always have).... the major part of my distress was with his rude attitude towards me. I want him to recognize that I'm a human with feelings (which can get hurt)... and not simply a mom here to serve his whims and needs. And he did, finally, get it, when he called last night and told me everyone (everyone meaning my husband and my dad) contacted him to wish him a good holiday... except me. I quickly responded with, "you made it very clear I was not to call you. So I didn't." He only replied, "oh".</p>
<p>Lesson learned. And that was the point.</p>
<p>Thanks for clarifying. I read through the thread earlier but not today, so I probably did miss quite a bit of the backstory...although my question wasn't intended for you specifically but you plus other parents that were angsting over lack of contact.</p>
<p>At any rate, whatever attitude you are experiencing is probably nothing compared to what I'm getting from my almost fifteen year old...lol!!</p>
<p>Sharon</p>
<p>Onesharon:
I can sympathize with the almost 15.... my son, who will be 16 in Dec., gave me a hell of a time from 14-15. I'm still not sure if he's behaving better now ... or just lying better & hiding more from me. Either way, this one really gave me a run for my money. He's got a hectic social life, he's very lazy (even about things he's passionate over)... and hates school. Yet in spite of that, he gets very good grades, with very little effort. It always surprises him when he has to put effort into a class (like Honors Bio last year). And! He has a big mouth, and can be a discipline problem. </p>
<p>That said -- he's the most charming person I've ever met (and I'm not sure I say that with pride, either). I'll get phone calls from teachers, (mostly the women) who will tell me all his mis-deeds... and then follow up with, "but when he smiles, you can't help but forgive him". Yeah, I know. he pulls that on me too. </p>
<p>I feel for you. but it does get better. One way or another.</p>
<p>I think we are all getting better, in large part thanks to this thread! Thanks Helms2lee--you did us all a great service. I think our feelings are very normal; we just have to be careful how we deal with them. And Nymom, yes, somehow I managed to wait until he called, and it was worth the wait because the conversation was much easier, though truthfully, not that much more informative. I realize I just have to wait until he wants to open up--I certainly have had no luck trying to pry information out of him. I probably won't have a real sense of how he is doing musically until he gets home for Thanksgiving. Ah, kids........</p>
<p>SHOCKING NEWS</p>
<p>D just called. Which is news in itself as is a non-communicative type. But the shocking part is -- she says she doesn't need the $100/mo spending money, $50/mo will be plenty, she said. </p>
<p>Someone please help - I've fallen and I can't get up.</p>
<p>katliamom - you made me laugh out loud. that was funny. </p>
<p>My wife has a saying when our son does unchararcteristic things. "where is my son, and what have you done with him?". (she says this to me - as if she is saying it to him).</p>
<p>How wonderful that your children are calling you. My S calls about once/week. We try to have him initiate phone calls (we send e-mails that he reads but does not respond to). We didn't give S any spending money & told him we expect him to use his summer earnings, grad gifts & Eagle gifts for any "spending money" he needs. It should be plenty for him & is a lot mroe than I had when I was away at college or grad school.</p>
<p>My D has had friends tell her, "Where is my friend, A, and what have you done with her?" when she looks or acts uncharacteristicly. It amuses her too.</p>
<p>As a DIL of people for whom nothing is ever enough, and D of parents who put no expectations on us, I encourage all of you to vent here, but try not to let your D or S know of your desperation and try not to be one of those "always wanting/needing" more info parents. Many years ago I began doing regular fax or email updates because I was simply too busy for long chats, but I knew they were desperate to know all about our lives.</p>
<p>To this day, while we know my his parents love us, they are a burden and we do not really enjoy them; whereas my parents never place that burden on us and we enjoy them a great deal and sometimes calling often, sometimes not calling for a few weeks, when life is busy. Just keep it light in terms of the obligation factor. Of course, as parents, we still have to teach good manners and an email once a week to tell mom & dad that all is well ought to be the least you expect!</p>
<p>I am on #3 in college now and have learned these lessons the hard way, it can get easier, but it is really no less painful we've simply learned how to deal with life without DDs around!</p>
<p>That being said, my 1st kid off to university was horrid about staying in touch, I tried to take heed of my mom's lessons and not require too much. I actually did check her bank account when we had not heard from a while, if I saw "normal" debits I knew she was okay, buying groceries, etc. She has always been the kid who did not want to give out too much personal info. I have always tried to not demand it, knowing how that makes me feel, yet I try to always be available. When the chips got down, really down for her, she did turn to me...she was kind of forced to, as she needed my help, but it was a new phase in our relationship for her to tell me every gory detail and enlist my aid in working out the best solution for a conundrum. So, was we worked through it, she still reverted to type and tends to hold her cards close to the vest, but I know she knows I am here and she can trust me to look out for her and help her learn.</p>
<p>Another D at university talks to me about almost everything, emails, texts, talks, calls, etc. She is a kid who likes people with whom she can talks things over, bounce ideas off of, and generally use as a valuable resource. It is sometimes difficult to take the phone calls when she is sad, but because she has always shared everything (too much sometimes) I know how to deal with the calls and I know she is not looking for me to solve her problem, but rather for me to make sure she is considering all her options and let her know if she is missing eh big picture. With D1 it would have been tough to take some of the types of phone calls I took from D2, as I simply do not know the way D1 thinks quite as well and I get frustrated when she does not take any one's advice. She seems to be the kid who needs to make her won mistakes, her way!</p>
<p>If you have D/S who is not communicative, it is smart to use this board to realise you are not alone in your misery and smart to try to avoid letting your D/S know just how much it bothers you. I think some one already mentioned, everything is new and different and exciting in your D/Ss life, yet your life is the same as always (probably) plus you have the big empty hole where your kid used to be. If you can, celebrate that you have raised your child well to take on an independent life. They are, hopefully, fully embracing their new lives and studying, time is flying by, while you seem to have no life and keep bugging them!</p>
<p>Of course, all that being said, it is right, too, to be concerned, some kids do flunk out, some have bad roommates, some party too much, some start doing drugs, etc. So, you do want to do what you can to follow your gut instinct in case you are one of the unlucky families!</p>
<p>This thread gets to me.</p>
<p>Here's the thing. We have the right to love our kids and need them. After all, as my the mothers of my Chinese colleagues have reportedly said, we spilled our blood for them. But on the other hand, they are the kids and we are the adults. In this affluent culture we have no real material need for them. I think in other cultures, where as parents we truly would need the kids to work to take care of us, our emotional needs would not seem so unruly.</p>
<p>And it is my firm belief that we make it worse by our own shame in our need for them. I believe that the best approach is to suck it up as best you can, but when you do need them, have no shame. Say to your kids and to yourself, "I am your mother! You must kiss me on the cheek when you leave me. You must say Hi Mom when I call you." Think, I have a right to your love and affection. In return, however, then you have to promise yourself never to abuse that right. Take care of as much of your needs by yourself and with adult lives as you can. Then when you do call, when you do IM, when you do say, "Kiss me on the cheek you tall boy thing!", you can say it with conviction.</p>
<p>Like when they were little. If you gave all you could, let them wake you up at night, cut the fat off their meat, watched Power Rangers and made Diana the Huntress Hallowe'en costumes, then when they were dreadful you could say with conviction, "You are being dreadful. Behave yourself." And you didn't have to dance around worried that you had no right to discipline. </p>
<p>Now, I suck it up as best I can for the sorrow of their leaving, when I need them I have a right to say, "Kiss me on the cheek, I am your mother." Maybe I don't say "I spilled my blood for you", but I find what bothers my kids more than anything is if I have shame and conflict and weird double-message behaviour around what I want from them. Whether it is good behaviour of a four year old or a phone call from a 19-year old.</p>
<p>Everytime i read this thread, I am truly amazed at how therapeutic this discussion is. What is the likelihood that there would be people out there, willing to read this thread, and post an answer. And, what are the chances that their answers would relevant and understandable? And, most importantly, could you have imagined that people's recommendations would actually help another family, or even bring tears to the eyes of the readers. I can't imagine that CC (collegeconfidential administrators) know how much this discussion site is REALLY helping real living people out there, out here. </p>
<p>I do not agree with every post. Not every suggestion posted, is something that I feel inclined to consider. However, there have been numerous postings that have definitely helped my wife and i. When we were in the initial worst phase of our emotional lowpoint (when it appeared that our son didn't miss us, at all), and when people starting posting sympathy/empathy posts, as well as suggestions, the posts literally made both of us (my wife and I) cry. It really makes a statement how much our kids mean to us (all the parents on this website). We should all be proud and happy for our kids. And we should all be thankful for all the parents who are willing to read, listen, think, and share from the heart what they have learned. </p>
<p>Thank you again, to all who read and post.</p>