<p>This is a new perspective on this.... what our parents expect from us, and what we give to them. As I've mentioned before, I speak with my parents almost daily. I speak with my sister (usually) several times a day. My husband NEVER calls his mom (father passed away 9 years ago. He was his business partner & best friend)... and never calls his sisters. His brother moved overseas nearly 18 years ago.... and no one has seen/heard from him since. Sort of. MIL has him followed every few years to see if he's ok.</p>
<p>Do you see a pattern? My parents spoke to THEIR parents almost every day as well. </p>
<p>Its weird... but today... as I was arguing with my mother over nothing in particular.... I thought what a pain in the butt I must be to my kids.</p>
<p>My hubby doesn't contact his family very often. I call or see my family several times/week (we call each other and/or get together). My S is probably the compromise & contacts us about once/week because he KNOWS we expect it of him. He has a brief conversation & that's it. He also will IM his sister sometimes. He does not respond to my e-mails, but because he does mention their contents when he calls, we know he does at least read them. Not sure how often our D will keep in touch with us when she goes, but since she's the youngest & sees how we are concerned about her brother, perhaps she will call without as much prompting as her brother.</p>
<p>It is important for each of us to go on with our lives & figure out what WE want, now between launching our kids & the arrival of grandkids. <grin> I'm hoping to travel & have some nice fine dining with my beloved hubby.</grin></p>
<p>Katliamom, I think my DS is spending his money on your DD...he has been going through money like water..but he is IMing and even once in a while calling me..</p>
<p>I agree with the above posting, how wonderful it is that we can all come here and share our version of reality and actually help other people see their lives through a different lens!</p>
<p>I have to admit, I am the one in the family who makes sure every one who should be called (sibs/parents) gets a call. Some of my sibs are horrid about never calling, but wonderful to talk with when I reach them. I strive to never take it personally, same with my D; after all, it could not posibly be that they don't want to talk to ME :D it must be that they are very busy, so I kae the effort to stay in touch, but no demands. It works, but then, too, none of the badduns have really changed, they still wait for e to call, but they don't seem to dread the calls! </p>
<p>So, my wee bit of wisdom would be, try not to take it personally, try to view it as their personality style!</p>
<p>Our son surpised us with a 15-20 minute call. Apparently, the students all received some email asking them to reply to a questionaire about Meningitis vaccinations. I guess a lot of colleges require students to show proof of a recent vaccination. That took a few minutes, digging out our file, and providing him with the information. In a surprise to us, he was in a chatty mood. So we enjoyed a very rare chatty son. It will probably be weeks before that happens again. Key point was that he called because he needed something (which is ok because we were able to chat about other things after the needed info was exchanged).</p>
<p>Well, I was just checking this site in bad mood when I crossed this thread. It really has therapeutical effect :).! So, to continue the "therapy" I will share my experience. I live in Eastern Europe and have two daughters. The elder started two weeks ago her second year in a graduate school in Germany, and the youger is freshman in an university in the USA. Well, I feel them very close and I miss them very much, especially now, when both are gone :(. I use to check my e-mail several times a day (even when I do not expect a post from them) and I'm always ready to spek with them on Skype whenever they are in. As other parents mentioned - not a good idea :(. With my eldest it is OK - if she has time she likes to chat, if not - she says "I'm busy now". Her e-mails became shorter and more rare than at the beginning, but still we do not loose the contact. With the younger things are going in a differentway. Her e-mails are much longer (but she has a lot to share, especially having in mind that we did not visit her college), but the conversations....We just finished one. She said, that it was OK to talk, but she was "absent" from the conversation (checking her e-mails, her programm for the day etc), I had to ask questions in order to get some information and received brief answers, she didn't share anything by herself, she was in a bad mood. Suddenly she broke the conversation with the words:" I have to finish! M.....is calling me!!!!" (no traces of bad mood). Well, I understand that M is her best friend and they both miss each other. And sure - I understand that mammy is mammy, but there are things that you prefer to share with your friends. And yes, I realize that I miss much more my daughters than my own mother, and I think that is the way it should be. And yes, I have an e-mail (or a conversation) almost every 2 or 3 days... Nevertheless I expected this conversation a whole Saturday (I am working during the week, she has classes mostly in the afternoon and we have 7 hours of time difference, so it is not easy to be together in Skype :( ) and it left me so...sad. And no ratioanl reasons can change this fact. That is why I'm complaining on this forum. Maybe I have to wait untill she initiates the talk (doubtfully as often as I would like to). I worry how is she feeling (no special reason - she was stressed at the beginning, very pleased later, a little bit ill and unhappy a week later, but I expected things to go like that). I am curious about her new life. And I still need to share my life here with her. In fact it was super both times when we managed to join all three of us on Skype (daddy is not a big chatterer ;((( ). I hope that she will be OK, and that I will be OK...as time goes on. At least - I hope to have my eldest daughter at home for New Year (But I don't want even to think about the younger being alone during the winter holydays :( )
Well, i think that this post became veeeeery long. So, god buy and thank you!</p>
<p>BIG OVERSEAS HUGS to you--many of us have felt much as you do, and while we can't fix anything, we can empathize and share and let off steam.</p>
<p>It comes through loud and clear that you understand that your daughters are doing well. And if we were able to write the script, we would probably include a larger role for ourselves, no? But we don't have that luxury, and maybe it's better that way. We have to remember that this stage is really about them, and we need to make some sort of peace with the changes.</p>
<p>You're not alone. I don't know if you've read the 2-3 weeks worth of posts on this board, but you feel exactly the way the rest of us do. We've all had our ups and down.... we've all felt disconnected from our kids, and at their mercy. And we've all felt somewhat like cyber-stalkers... watching the AIM instant messenger record their comings & goings....</p>
<p>Last weekend my freshman son screamed at me for interferring in his life. HE CALLED ME WITH THIS COMPLAINT! TWICE! So I didn't call him for 2 days.</p>
<p>Then Sunday night he called me to complain that I didn't call him. Especially on the Jewish Holiday.</p>
<p>Is he crazy?</p>
<p>I have to admit, we speak/IM pretty much every couple of days. But I've been waiting for him to do all the initiating. He didn't like the invasive nature of my questions. (such as who did you go to dinner with?)</p>
<p>Then... I learned.... be careful what you wish for. He was having some academic stresses this week, having to do with his LD and support services. He called me 3x on Wed..... 2x on Thurs. and emailed & IMd on Friday.... I guess when the going gets tough, its still Mommy you're going to dump on. So I put on my best supporting mom voice.... told him what he already knew he had to do... and gave him the emotional power to get it done.</p>
<p>Today I was at my cousin's bridal shower, and my cell rang. It was the return of my wonderful son -- the one I like to remember -- the thoughtful kid -- calling to tell me that my favorite movie was on cable, and I should turn on the tv. So, he did remember me.... a little.</p>
<p>Are all teens jeckyl & hyde???? or just mine????</p>
<p>
[quote]
Are all teens jeckyl & hyde???? or just mine????
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Yep. Nope.</p>
<p>Translation: Not just yours, mine, too. But mine are 14 and 16, and I was hoping that things would get better soomer than what I am reading here. Oh my.......</p>
<p>I am just happy when my kids aren't both in the secretive/silent stage at the same time (mine are nearly 17 & nearly 19). It can be painful when they are short with us & don't treat as as we'd like, dropping us for their friends or even videogames. Part of it, I believe, is they are trying to show more independence. Part of it is that so much is going on in their world that they're trying to absorb it all. It's tough to be patient, but good to know that they know we're always there for them. It does work out, but it may be a while before they are the great & friendly folks we know they are and will be over the long haul.</p>
<p>Sympathies to pipelot over the ocean blue! I started on this board during the college search and still visit frequently, mainly to deal with the sense of disorientation now that the inevitable happened and my S is an independent young man of almost 20. Just home from picking him up from college for a couple days respite. I am not really pleased with the intermediate phone manners etc although we have settled into a mannerly once a week phone call and accepted that routine as sufficient. But today he arrived with a perfectly great college friend to visit us and for this I am pleased. It is time we learned to accept their seperate lives and the new faces and friends that they acquire and I am impressed with his many interesting friends in his generation who I know will help him along in the next stage of life. Why I was not more prepared that this transition of letting go was coming, I can't explain...I remember embracing this time in my life and I do want the same happiness for him. So pipelot, and other bereft parents, look forward to when the freshman awkwardnesses and communication drop offs morph into the weekends and holidays they bring their friends home to share. It does begin to dawn on us that this chapter in life has losses for parents but your S and D's new friends will bring more to your family as the years move forward..people who will be there for them in next phases of life, people you may not know well yet, but who you will come to value and treasure.</p>
<p>I delivered the youngest of our four into his college dorm in August. He is exactly 73 miles away from his door to our door. It has been agony knowing how close he is and how bad it would be for me to show up every time I want to see his smiling face. Agony. </p>
<p>We had a breakthrough. He called me yesterday and said he missed his mama and would I please drive up to spend the day with him.</p>
<p>Ask me how fast I jumped into the car.</p>
<p>We had so much fun. Even though it was hard to walk away I left knowing that he is doing great.</p>
<p>I read every post in this thread. Thank you. This has been better than group therapy.</p>
<p>This is better than group therapy.. I check here instead of bugging my D! keeps me somewhat sane. D's car was acting up brought it home for service, college is just over an hour away...moxxiemomma I relate, so close yet so far! Took her car back last week, thanks, mom now go home!!! So I didnt call her, im, or email...had a much better conversation next time as she initiated the contact. Thank you for this post, empty nest is no fun, but learning to work with it!</p>
<p>Faline2 thanks for the insight for the years to come...I miss all the high school friends in my house...looking forward to the college friends.</p>
<p>You are very lucky! My S is far away, exactly one thousand miles... I'm trying to think how happy he is to not miss him that much (and it doesn't work)</p>
<p>Two of our four are attending college in another state. This was the first summer we were not all together and the longest we have gone not seeing the boys. They took accelerated summer semesters and are now taking 15-18 hours each. (no time for mom)(I've tried)</p>
<p>We went to see them at Christmas time last year. Our oldest is interning almost finished with his Senior year and then will go to professional school, his brother is on a similar carrer path and is very focused on finishing school before his younger brothers. </p>
<p>Colorado to Texas. They could be on the other side of the planet. Thank goodness for the video cam on our computer. We have live chats. I get to see them and that is wonderful.</p>
<p>Hey, college is learning experience for parents, too. They grow up, they go away, they start their own lives. Big adjustments.</p>
<p>Count your blessings. Our daughter has been overseas with no internet (except an occasional stop at an internet cafe). We got an e-mail last week telling us what fun she was having and, oh by the way, she was jumping off a mountain in the Andes foothills hanging from paraglider the next day. Needless to say, we e-mailed back, "sounds like fun, we'll take our heart medication, please e-mail when you get home letting know you survived!".</p>
<p>We did get a chance to talk to her for ten minutes on the phone today...first time since August. She had a two hour layover at O'Hare, changing planes from Buenos Aires to fly to Beijing. She sounded pretty chipper considering she'd already been travelling for 15 hours and had 15 more hours to go. It was good to hear her voice and her excitement.</p>
<p>As far as I can tell, she does. I only get snippets here and there. The students are fun. They stay non-stop busy, busy, busy. They were all writing their final Argentina papers on the flights to China.</p>
<p>She said something interesting in our brief phone call today: that Buenos Aires was a striking contrast between the glitzy stuff (she was doing a homestay in the "hip", fashionable Palermo Viejo/Palermo Hollyood area) and the underbelly of the city they were exposed to in the coursework (visits to shanty towns, a group research project on the city garbage collection system, etc.). </p>
<p>She landed in Beijing about an hour ago: 31 hours of travel (Buenos Aires, Miami, Chicago, Beijing). I imagine she's experiencing some serious jet lag/culture shock right about now. They spend one night in a hostel and then go off with their host families tomorrow.</p>