<p>I'm from Buenos Aires, and no many people knows the city. It has nothing to do with the rest of South America. I'm sure it's a nice experience for her.
How nice is this thread! keep going, it has been my daily cheer up pill.</p>
<p>I thought I'd jump in here. I'm so missing my DS. Its only been 3 weeks since I dropped him off(he's in southern california, I'm in northern california). Last night I had dinner with a friend whose DS started graduate school in another state (he did his undergrad right here in Berekley and lived at home for 2 of the 4 years). They chat via skype every day. She shares everything with him via her webcam & he seems to share everything with her down to what he's cooking for dinner. And she's constantly comparing our kids, my DS is 17, her's is 22. My kid will chat with me via skype if I initiate the conversation but its seems limited to one word replies: yes, no, o.k. I would really like to know how things are. Is he eating ok? How hard are classes really? Is he making friends? somehow "yes" or ok just don't complete the picture for me. He'd been accepted at MIT and I was really disappointed that he decided to stay here - I knew that I could vicariously follow him via the MIT blogs - at least the blogs gave me a picture of student life. I have been so tempted to post to the college's thread here and ask the students where he is to give me some idea what their days are like. (but I have refrained since they would know whose mom is posting..the school is too small and he is the only kid from oakland in the freshman class). Phone calls have been so short - he always seems to be running off somewhere(I know, thats a sign that he's busy and that is good). Oh, I need a cheer up pill today. I really miss him.</p>
<p>Thank you all! JC*, you are right that " This is better than group therapy". And it is good not only for us, but for our kids too :). When I started to read this thread I realised that living close to the college is not easy, too. I understand you, moxiemama - it is hard to resist temptation to visit (just now I see my elder logged in Skype and ICQ, and try to stay in the forum instead of starting a chat). At least I don't have to ask myself before every weekend whether she will come home or not. But here are the bad news too - I don't expect to meet any of their new friends in the near future :( (as Faline2 said).Mafool, you are right - we really want "a larger role for ourselves" in their lives but this has to end one day (now :( !) and we have to get used to the new situation....one day, may be :). I just got a brief message from my elder: "I have to leave now. But here is a link to make you laugh with daddy" Here is the link: </p>
<p>We are not an Italian family, but everything said in this movie for Italians is true for our nation too :). I'm OK now (but still hoping to get some news from the younger :) )- sometimes so little is enough to improve your mood (or to lose it).</p>
<p>
[quote]
My kid will chat with me via skype if I initiate the conversation but its seems limited to one word replies: yes, no, o.k. I would really like to know how things are. Is he eating ok? How hard are classes really? Is he making friends? somehow "yes" or ok just don't complete the picture for me.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Other than the fact that boys are boys (and therefore not always capable of communication at that age), the universal problem is that we parents don't know how to ask questions that will get them talking and they don't know how to give us the answers we want. For example, they think we are really asking for specific answers rather than fishing for just any old thing they want to share.</p>
<p>It gets better. Probably over Christmas holidays, you'll find yourself getting some lengthy description of something or another at college, triggered by the most insignificant question like, "how are the french fries in the dining hall" which somehow will end up in a discussion of the Physics professor.</p>
<p>Cressmom:</p>
<p>I can tell that my daughter loved Buenos Aires and Argentina. But, our e-mail conversations were limited to once a week (when she had an hour before dinner to stop at an internet cafe and catch up with her friends around the globe), so I've only gotten the brief version. I concentrate my e-mail questions on "the facts", such what street she is living on so I can find her neighborhood and see some pictures of the area on the internet. For example, I found somebody's photo album on the net with 100 photos of Palermo Viejo -- just street scenes and buildings. So I felt like I could share my daughter's experience in ways that you don't usually get until they come home with photos.</p>
<p>Faline--That is wonderful point about the young adults they will bring into our lives once they cross over into a comfortable role with us as independent adults....I too have been missing the "other kids" that were in and out of our lives when my boy was at home and your post make me realize that some of them and some I don't know yet will eventually return, once in a while...maybe even stopping by to introduce their children some day!! I remember doing this with other parents in my community and it is how the cycle of life unfolds (just never quite on our time frame)
This also struck me:
[quote]
Why I was not more prepared that this transition of letting go was coming, I can't explain.
[/quote]
For me, even though I was prepared in my head, the rest of me doesn't "feel" old enough yet (or want to feel old enough actually--there are definitely days when I feel my age) to see myself moving into the stage where I am not needed in so many ways. I guess it is an aspect of the wisdom someone shared with me (and I think I posted earlier) that our task now is to not need to be needed---it has been such a comfortable habit that it is hard to give up....(hmmm, maybe we could begin speculating about Parenthood Recovery techniques...patch, support groups, surrogate parenting, substitute need addictions....humor is always good.) AND there are at least some of the being-neededs that we don't miss, right (Where is my...? Are we out of x? ...(fill in your favorites).....</p>
<p>Pipelot-</p>
<p>Yes! You are SO right that just a short, nice conversation is all it takes to make my mood soar. It turns out that I don't really know how concerned I was until after I've been reassured that all is well.</p>
<p>I heard the most wonderful sentence from S last week. While "fishing" for info that might indicate how he felt about his new life, he said--with some exasperation, "Well, I know I shouldn't be anywhere else."</p>
<p>Hooray!!!!!!! Cartwheels across the living room (well, not really, as that would probably involve hospitalization).</p>
<p>But it doesn't take anything as momentous as that. A nice, friendly, happy conversation will do it.</p>
<p>Now I need to back away and not be so dependent on the crumbs he deigns to throw my way and get on with my own life. Just started a new, full time job--that should help!</p>
<p>NYmom:</p>
<p>The other not-so-fun aspect of those "help me" or complaint calls is that after they have vented and shared all the bad things going on, they feel better and frequently forget to let you know how their problem was solved! So, there you are, "dumpee" of all the garbage, kiddo feels better and takes care of the issues, whilst you suffer ;)</p>
<p>I did learn with my first to stop thinking it is my responsibility ot have all the answers and fix the problem, instead i really focused on helping them see all aspects of the issue and playing develi's advocate to think it through from various sides!</p>
<p>Guess I should count my blessings that tho S has very very short conversations with us, he doesn't "dump" & has always been very happy & energetic when we've spoken. To all intents & purposes, there are no problems at school (or if they are, he's handled them all quite well). Wish he'd call a bit more & share a bit more, but otherwise, it's hard to complain about him being so happy & stretching his wings nicely.</p>
<p>I have this great and wonderful son who truely cannot answer most of my open ended questions and any questions about emotions. It took me a few years to learn this with my husband laughing in the background ( as it took the pressure off of him) "How are you, how do you feel, are you happy?"................nothing.</p>
<p>So I learned to resort to sports. Statistics, favorite players, his old high school team ..........whatever I can muster up and he can talk at length.</p>
<p>I really hate it. But you know what....this is the way his head is wired. I'll take what I can get. Thank god I have a daughter.</p>
<p>You're lucky to have a daughter, sax. H and S are so much alike- H doesn't feel the need to e-mail son with anything because I sent one. Son wasn't willing to commit to even weekly e-mails, nor phone calls. "No news is good news". H doesn't worry about our being home if son came home for the weekend, "he has a key". We have had glimpses of what's going on, and actually saw him two weekends in a row (taking and retrieving dog from my father's home in the suburb), enough to know he's fine. We know the campus, can check a lot online... I might end up finding out the most by talking to one of his friend's mother- the sons e-mail each other and the other son tells his mother...</p>
<p>Yup...but don't think for a minute he knows his behavior is hurting your feelings. They just don't get it. Really..as hard as this is to believe they just don't get it. My son will go weeks without calling his best friend and laughs when I suggest he check in with him. "Mom..that's just not what we do."</p>
<p>It took me a long time to learn that there are some things I'm just going to have to get elsewhere. Thank goodness for "girls night out" or I'd have gone nuts by now.</p>
<p>Somemom -- I agree. They forget. I remember a story a friend told me years ago. Her daughter (then 15... before every kid had a cell phone) was away at a summer program. She called and dumped on her parents... everything was awful. She hated the girls, no one was nice to her, etc., etc... you can imagine. So my friend put on her most supportive mommy voice, and said tough it out, we'll talk in a day or so. A few days passed, she didn't hear from her daughter, assuming the worst... the kid alone in her room, miserable & crying. Alas! the kid met some girls a few hours after the call, and began to have a great summer.... she just forgot to tell her mom about the turn of events. Turns out, 7 years later, she's still good friends with a lot of these people, and it was the best summer of her life.</p>
<p>As for my son, well, he's been much better at sharing with me this week, and the dumping turned into cooperative problem solving. He's been very diligent and very mature about this whole problem with the Hebrew class & his learning disability. He had a new solution last night (in short form, involves him getting a new ipod -- his is very antiquated -- and the new one would be able to record and play back lectures). He claims I told him to do whatever was necessary to stick it out in this class -- and technology has always been a large part of his LD compensation strategies. Of course, I was so impressed with his fortitude and creativivity, I said, "of course, dearest, go to the Apple store and get a new ipod". This will only solve part of the problem, and he still needs to educate the professor and head of the department about his uncommon LD, but he feels that the more strategies he presents, the more accommodating they will be with him.</p>
<p>But, back to to the topic at hand? Does he miss us? Not at all. Do I miss him? Yes, I miss him, but not desperately. I miss things about him, I miss knowing what he's doing. If he'd be better about sharing his life, I'd be better about not speaking with him. And I have to admit, re my huge complaint from last week -- he has NOT been rude and hurt my feelings once this week. Perhaps the combination of my sister telling him "by the way, you hurt your mom's feelings", and me not IMing for 2 days over the holidays when he told me not to, made him realize that I deserve to be treated with respect.</p>
<p>Score 1 for the moms!</p>
<p>nymom,
"he has NOT been rude and hurt my feelings once this week"</p>
<p>-- isn't it funny the things we're grateful for??? I'm going to have my sister call D with the same comment - and hoping for the same result. D hasn't been rude - just kind of disdainful. Which may be worse. :/</p>
<p>Katliamom..... Its true... the small things mean a lot. I guess we've just lowered the bar on our expectations. If all we hope for is not to have our feelings hurt.....</p>
<p>Well, after quietly observing most of the previous posts concerning our sons "cutting the cord", I feel so much better and now able to handle our son (college soph) telling us that Parents Weekend "Doesn't work for me". I asked my S if we could get through this conversation without getting our feelings hurt (mine). He then said that he would rather we come when there is not so much going on so we can do what we please. I have to say, that made me feel better and I accepted that. The calls in the past were not as easy to get through. The actions of our S pretty much matches most of the prior posts. One would almost question if there is a rounding up of all young men across the country at college campuses for a "Cord Cutting Con" after the parents leave. It's amazing how they all seem to be doing this at the same time. Our friends S's as well. One cute story. One mom finally sent an e-mail to her son telling him that if he responds within 24 hours to her e-mail, there is $50.00 in it for him. Take a Guess! People say you must stay busy....I could'nt be busier. It kind of feels like being fired from a job and then being asked to come in when times get tough. Well, being he is our last, I guess our job has changed and will never be the same again. I expect we will be called on when times get tough and possibly a touching call or interaction as time goes on. Two older daughters (one calls daily, another, every other day). I guess all the intense daughter issues pay off in the end. Our S was a breeze till 18. Love them all though!</p>
<p>To Helms2Lee (the original poster):</p>
<p>How did the weekly call with your son go yesterday?</p>
<p>Hope it's bringing you some comfort to see this thread is now on page #17--You are in good company!! :-)</p>
<p>And look at all the kids out there who are homesick. Makes us glad when they don't call...</p>
<p>re the homesickness.... I was one of those homesick college students in Fall 1978. It was horrible, a fact my mother has recently taken to reminding me of. As she tells me to be grateful that my S is so well adjusted to college, and happy, and doesn't call. She reminds me that my frequent calls home were miserable for her. I don't remember caring back then.</p>
<p>In retrospect, I think my calls & contacts home were a source of anxiety to my dad. I never mentioned studying, only all the fun activities (why talk about studying--it's BORING). Anyway, he was always expecting to receive something in the mail about how I was failing grad school because of my very active EC life. LOL. He never got such a note & I never really gave him reason to believe he would, but somehow when he compared the things I was doing to how his grad school experience was (he completed law school + MBA in 2 years), he couldn't believe how much fun I was having & not sacrificing a whole lot.</p>
<p>Guess I am grateful that S doesn't call & say he's miserable, just wish he'd be wiling to speak for more than 5 minutes & would talk about more than the briefest of answers. <sigh></sigh></p>
<p>I don't think I called very much, but I was a prolific letter writer. I was cleaning out the garage last weekend and came across a trunk of letters, from me to my parents, that I had taken off my dad's hands after my mom passed away....all full of details about everything going on in my life at college. Even sketches of clothes I wanted! But I know I was much more guarded in my conversations with them than I was in the letters. There was something about the writing of the letters, and the distance between me and my mom's reaction to them when she received them, that made it easier for me to be open, enthusiastic, etc. Some people are just hesitant to show their vulnerability and feelings, but it doesn't mean they are not there, or that they are not missing you.</p>
<p>I just realized that the reason I feel that I know a lot about what my son is up to is not because of him, but because, as a D1 athlete, there are frequent website postings about him on the athletic website, and the fan message boards. So I know the good, the bad and the ugly via the internet grapevine. And then there are the radio broadcasts during the season, if we aren't at the game. Sheesh; and here I thought he was keeping in touch!!</p>