<p>SDG13, Thanks for asking. Our Sunday (weekly) call was horrible (as compared to prior weeks). It lasted less than a minute, and he was very flat, and obviously not interested in talking. (to others: yes, yes, i know, he may have been busy, or tired, or with friends, etc. - but it was still dissapointing to us. Again, we (selfishly) look forward to that weekly fix. Now, with that said, we called today to check up on a health related issue that he had mentioned a week ago. He answered our question, and again seemed somewhat flat. It did not appear that he was up for any long conversations. I asked him another question about his cell phone (because he had indicated the vibrate feature wasn't working). One thing led to another, and before you know it, it was a 10-15 minute call. He told us about a few of his classes (that he had aced a couple of tests in two classes, and that he was building some type of robot in his engineering class. He mentioned briefly some info about his friends in the dorms. It ended up being a very enjoyable, and moderately lenghtly call. </p>
<p>I have to admit that my life is more enjoyable when i have consistencies (at work, with my wife, with my kids, with the dog, etc.). I don't like having to guess, and be adaptive to hugely varying ranges of emotions from my son (or from my boss, co-workers, etc.). I am not saying that i am incapable of dealing with such things, i am merely saying that my preference is towards consistency. So, when my son is hot, then cold, or he is "up" and then "down" for no apparent reason, it can be frustrating. (to others: Yes, yes, i can deal with it.). But my preference would be to have calls with my son that are closer to the type of calls that i have with my brother or my sister. Always congenial, mutually communicative, respectful, etc. (to others: yes, yes, i know that my siblings are older adults, and my son is a college freshman, but i can still have preferences). Bottomline, our call today was very enjoyable.</p>
<p>How wonderful that you had an enjoyable call. So far, most of my calls have been quite brief as son doesn't seem to want to reveal too much (for reasons none of us have ever been able to figure out). At least he always sounds pretty happy & relaxed. He has let us know that he's healthy & happy (two of our main concerns). Things seem to be fine for him academically & socially, but as you say, it's nice when we can have congenial, mutlally communicative, respectful calls--hope that day comes with our S, but in the meantime, we will deal with what we get & are glad he continues to appear to be thriving from all reports.</p>
<p>Helms, I'm glad you had a good chat with your son. Keep in mind that he can't be consistent now because his whole world is completely inconsistent -- everything is new -- new friends, new routines, new food, new academic expectations. His world is full of ups and downs ... as is the world of all college freshmen. Just when he thinks he has figured everything out, a new challenge might arise. If you think about it, there is not one element of consistency in the life of the new college student. Obviously things get better over time, as they settle in and get comfortable with new habits -- but if you feel happier with consistency, then try to picture yourself in your son's situation -- what if you had to transfer to a new and different job, in a faraway city, with all new people, living in a place that was totally different from what you were used to at home? All of that upheaval in your life would leave you feeling out-of-sorts most of the time, and it would probably take weeks before you started to feel that the consistency you craved was beginning to be restored to your life. So give it time - your son will be more consistent when his life becomes more predictable and consistent. :)</p>
<p>The emotional roller coaster is getting to me too. It's not that my freshman DD doesn't call at all, but she chooses to call, naturally, when she's not having a lot of fun ( i.e. during the week when she is busting her butt studying). We usually don't hear much from her from Thursday afternoon until Monday. I just know the basics about what plans she has for the weekends. I am grateful, truly, that she has made friends and is having a social life. But on a selfish note, the weekends are the hardest sometimes. I work during the weekdays and thus I'm busier and not always looking at my cell phone...lol. I know I am sounding kind of pathetic here but after all, we are all here for support. As someone else said, this letting-go business is tough. I am feeling better than I did the first two weeks she was at school ( she has been there for 8 weeks now) but I still feel a little lost. I know, I know....I have to pursue some hobbies etc. right?? Hubby and I are working on it....just haven't really found a way to fill up the void at all.</p>
<p>Though my son's messages are short and phone calls rare, this week he emailed a photo of himself. It was so good to see him..he looked so happy & relaxed. His email just said "hi, see attached." It was such a thrill to see a new picture I didn't even care that he didn't write anything. Though I did send an email asking for more details about the events surrounding the picture which he responded too.<br>
It had been a tough week until I received the photo..I'd really really missed him. Doing some art projects has really helped me to fill up the emptiness. </p>
<p>Himom - I just saw a news brief that there was a big earthquake in Hawaii. Did you ride it out ok?</p>
<p>Well, my son is a sophomore and I am still "adjusting." In fact, it is just really dawning on me, incredibly enough, about now (!) that my eldest son is always going to have more of his life away from us from now on, and we had a very nice stay at home post-freshman year summer with him and really have nothing to whine about.<br>
Lots of other parents rarely saw their college freshmen over the summer. Our Son recently gently made a proposal about junior study abroad. Well, folks, that means I am sitting in here in the Recently Bereaved Parents Support Group (I love this thread!) and my son is planning his Junior Year. Uhhhh. Does that mean I am in a state of arrested development? probably! Yes! definitely! This thread at least makes me recognize that a lot of this is universal and not just happening to us. By the way, the Fall Break with a terrific college friend as a guest here from Duke was something YOU parents of freshmen can look forward to when you are "at my stage." I learned a LOT about my Son's life just be getting to know his very warm and extroverted friend, who also enjoys a warm relationship with his own parents. We live close to Duke and this young man lives far away, so it was our pleasure to Host. I did not get much one on one time with my S over fall break, but we did get to see that our Son has friends who care about him and embrace his little idiosyncracies, root for him when he has a little achievement and support him when he falls. When I pulled up to Duke, they jumped out and ran towards their other friends, who they were so happy to see after oh, 48 hours of separation.<br>
Just what I remember feeling when I returned to college overjoyed to see my friends again. I drove away content and grateful, if still bereft on a purely personal level. Duke is a great place with some terrific kids who are going to morph into wonderful adults and by the way..60 minutes comes on any second, so I will sign off. Cheers and may some phones ring this evening at your place!</p>
<p>I spent 6 weeks away at a summer program...e-mail definitely worked the best for keeping in touch with my parents. I could e-mail whenever I had free time or whenever i was procrastinating doing hw, haha. i usually sent an email about once a day, even if it was about trivial things like what i had for breakfast, etc. my mom liked reading it. </p>
<p>i definitely wouldnt do the im thing...i wouldnt want my parents to constantly be checking my profile/away messages.</p>
<p>What I wouldn't have given to have a brief "fall break" visit with my son! I didn't think I would miss him nearly as much as I do. Truly, when I hear him laugh... on the phone its like hearing his long-gone toddler giggle all over again.</p>
<p>That said, I think, for now, my complaining days are over. He seems to be calling me a lot! I don't know why. He calls when he has a problem, a dilemma, a few minutes free time. Last night he called simply because he was done studying, everyone else wasn't, and he was bored. However, as we all know teenagers, I'm confident that my cause for complaining will reappear on the turn of a dime.</p>
<p>I'm looking forward to Parents Weekend this Friday, even if it means just following him around while he's on his Curling Tournament -- no cool campus activities for us. But, as my husband said, this is the weekend we put aside for him... if we went a different weekend... when no one else's parents were there, we'd only be a burden. We're probably a burden anyway, but at least we're a scheduled, calendared burden!</p>
<p>nymom2sons, you hit on a role I have taken on with my college kids, that of "instant advisor." I can be home washing dishes, or in my car humming along to the radio, when I get a call from one of them and I have to take on the role of expert and help with a dating issue, an academic problem, a roommate spat, or whatever. It's an interesting role, a bit mind boggling, (I've actually listened to call-in advice shows to help me be able to do this) but it reminds me that I'm the go-to person for my kids. They still need me, I'm still their mom!</p>
<p>I know.... he called me 3x this weekend to discuss if he should commit to return to last summer's job (they've been pursuing him) even though he wants to do something different. He wanted to know how immoral it was to say yes as a backup plan. I must have given him the same answer, a dozen times, yet he still called... over and over. Not sure what he wanted there.</p>
<p>He doesn't call for dating advice (my son would never do that. Is it just a girl thing?) but he calls for academic stuff... financial stuff... things like that.</p>
<p>I don't mind. I tell him I'm here for him 24/7.... but to please respect my sleeping hours unless its an emergency.</p>
<p>Last heard from my S one and a half weeks ago. I don't want to call him or email him because I don't want to bother him or guilt trip him. I miss him so much.</p>
<p>averagewoman,
your post feels so sad..i wish i could offer some sort of reassurance. I miss my kid too. I just got back from Parents Day & was so surprised by how much I cried when I saw my DS. One interesting note from parents weekend was a panel of kids they had who talked about college life at my son's school. Both kids agreed email was best but that parents shouldn't expect a response..but that they liked hearing from home. So you might keep that in mind. I've taken to reading the college webpage for news. Then I can write a little to ask if he's gone to this or that event at school. I've also been writing him just little news reports about our pets (he misses them).<br>
I was also trying not to call my son or to email too often. But when I told him that, he said it was ok to call and that he would not pick up the phone if he was busy and that he was fine with emails too..and he'd respond when he could. Have you talked to your S to find out how much contact feels ok to him?<br>
take care</p>
<p>Yep, it seems like sons especially tend to be pretty poor about keeping in touch. Our S only calls about once/week. If he doesn't call, we call him. The conversation tends to be pretty short.</p>
<p>Our S has just mentioned casually the other day that he's playing intramural soccer! This is the kid who missed about 1/2 of his senior year, including his prom & banquet & the entire Judo season because he was just too sick to do much other than apply to colleges & keep up in his classes!</p>
<p>Anyway, he's making many new friends and seems to be having a marvelous time in college. He is having such a good time that he's not keeping in touch with me much by phone or e-mail, tho I do insist on hearing from him at least once/week (he can choose the method & time). We are lucky to speak with him for 5 minutes/week--very rarely a bit longer.</p>
<p>We're really, really happy for him and hope this time & good health will endure. He says he has been healthy, & getting himself up for school fine every morning & getting to all his classes. He's still no where near as robust as he was when he was 12, but for now, we're happy he's been as healthy as he has thus far and active, with a nice group of kids to "hang out with"!</p>
<p>HImom..I remember when your son was busy applying and health concerns were forefront. It has been great to hear that your S is not only strong but socially so very happy.</p>
<p>I hadn't heard from my son (the junior in college) since he flew to the west coast (and presumably back) for a summer internship interview. Then the bank called me to ask about some unusual activity on his card. Then I started to wonder--did he really get back safely? Or is he lying in a ditch somewhere while someone else is making charges on his card??? Not likely, but your mind does start making leaps. </p>
<p>So I emailed him and asked if he was back & ok. He was fine--just totally busy and up until all hours working on a project (he's helping run a programming competition.) We spoke on the phone briefly & before he hung up he said he was going to try to get another 20 min. of sleep before dinner. Poor guy.</p>
<p>I only have a child in college right now, and he is a freshman. Next year I would know if girls were better “home callers” than boys when my D goes to college. My S usually doesn’t call, unless he needs to buy something with the credit card. I IM every other day and he writes back talking about his favorite subjects. The conversation is more an interrogation that a friendly talk because he rarely initiates the chat. Most of the answer and “yes”, “no”, “dunno”, unless I ask about his hobby (photography) and I know that I can drink two cups of coffee until I get my turn to talk.
He came home during fall break (only Friday and Saturday); he was a different person. We enjoy him a lot; he was sweet, talkative and caring, already a grown up.</p>
<p>S(a soph) seems to only call when there is a problem of some sort like "I'm at the health center and they say I need to see a Dr" or "Oops, I got a speeding ticket on the way back from Fall Break" or this past weekend's call "Oops, I've lost my cell phone and have searched everywhere but can't find it" call. This is the 2nd cell phone in a years time (other one "accidentally" got smashed in the parking lot) and yes, he is paying for it himself. </p>
<p>I have come to terms with him having a completely separate life now. He refers to his college apartment as "home" (that was a dagger to the heart at first). I know he'll never "live" with us again. The thing that drives me nuts is being apprehensive when the phone rings because if it's him, there's bound to be a problem because otherwise he wouldn't be calling. I hate feeling that way. So I guess I might be in the "No news is good news camp."</p>
<p>My son is a freshman. It's a hard adjustment. When he has called we would talk for about an hour. I know he's busy, involved and I'm happy about that.</p>
<p>^ averagemom: As a mom with two not-very-talkative boys my suggestion is to try to keep the phone calls shorter than an hour (more like 15 minutes, tops). I know it's really hard. But to him the "commitment" of a one hour call may seem overwhelming - enough so that he just won't pick up the phone. To us that seems silly (there's so much to talk about!) but I just know they don't see things the same way we do.</p>
<p>I communicate with my son primarily through instant message which is great because it can be brief, it is spontaneous, and if he's busy he just says so and that's fine. I know he's happier with shorter, more frequent talks. We talk on the phone about once a week - and, unless there's some problem, I wait for him to call. He knows I like to "hear his voice" now and then.</p>