<p>LOL, I DO check those phone records, but I don't mind. I know those 2-hour 3:00 am phone calls are to my D's boyfriend.... that's been going on for years, now, and I am long since reconciled to the fact that I am not even in the same universe as he is. In fact, anytime I can't reach her and start to worry, I'll call him ---- now if HE hadn't heard from her for more than 24 hours, that's when I'd really start to stress.</p>
<p>I remember years ago when my older daughter was an undergraduate at MIT, she returned to school after a holiday break. We asked and she re-asured us that she will call home as soon as she arrived around mid-night. But we received no call and was worry and finally got hold of campus police over the phone. He assued us that taxi at Boston is safe and it should be O.K. As to the no calling home, he said this happen often "as soon as she saw friends, she forgot the parents".</p>
<p>The one thing we noted about our S's call log is that he has MANY 1 or 2 minute calls; about 1/2 are to kids with HI phone #s & 1/2 are to CA phone numbers. It amuses us that his calls with his buddies are very short & confirms that he is just NOT a chatter on the phone & has never been one; D & H aren't either, for that matter.
My S rarely has ever responded to any e-mails, but does still IM his sister from time to time; this makes us happy & keeps us all "in the loop." Our kids lives are really their own & I try to remind myself & hubby that when I was away, I really didn't think about my beloved family much, except when I replied to my mom's frequent letters. I still loved everyone but was busy living my life; I'm sure our S is doing the same. He's getting a bit better about casually calling us (like when he was waiting in life for Staples to open on Black Friday). LOL</p>
<p>Following up,... yes, its been a little over 3 months.... and while at the beginning, I was devasted if S & I didn't speak, if he didn't IM me... etc., etc., .... all I can say, is be careful what you wish for! He calls me all the time now. Practically every day... I NEVER call him unless I'm returning a call, or if there's a very specific thing we need to discuss (ie a bank statement, a plane reservation). Some calls are a few minutes, some are 1/2 hour. We kind of fell back into our prior relationship, which has been pretty good... we chat about home, his HS, his younger brother.... (he was very supportive when his brother was trying out for Varsity basketball and didn't make it.... and then revelled when 2 weeks later he was moved up to the team from JV). I've realized that as much as I'm a support system for him, he's really a support for me, too. </p>
<p>But all this was an evolving process.... and BELIEVE ME.... I have no delusions that this is a permanent status. I know we will, in time, go back & forth between not speaking at all, and where we are now. I just try to enjoy it while I can, for as long as it will last.</p>
<p>I think the first time I actually put a call into my parents was about thanksgiving (i'm a freshman) though they called me a couple times in september and such</p>
<p>you have nothing to worry about</p>
<p>lol @ reading call logs hahahahaha you silly parents</p>
<p>gotta use skype now! track that! :)</p>
<p>I'll chime in....</p>
<p>I'm really disappointed in my son in many ways. He is a high-touch kid that needs lots of support. I've had to call him frequently, tho briefly, serving as alarm clock, reminding him of things he needs to carry out, travel plans, etc. Since late August, he has only called us once or twice, both functional calls. He's had a couple of thankfully minor health emergencies requiring a trip to the ER. He's been struggling academically, but is improving...he had to drop his varsity sport, because it was all too much. I've visited a couple of times. He now has a girlfriend, his very first. She's very bright and a good match for him personality wise so far. But, what saddens me is that his father and I feel completely overlooked, ignored, and undervalued...like we're an inconvenience in his life. DS and GF came here for several days recently of necessity. DS did not spend one minute with either of us...all the time was spent with her. DS was "crisp" with us, and I sensed that GF picked up on that and somewhat manipulated him and seemed to become "crisp" with us as well as time passed. I'm an older parent and this kid is my only. I cannot tell you how miserable I feel...his coming in and out of my life just makes it worse, because I long for all there was much earlier on and dumbfoundedly marvel about all there "ain't" now...like we never were. I can't ever see coming out of this phase, and strangely feel very old and depressed. Life, for me, has really lost its lilt.</p>
<p>Don't be sad. Your son will be back when he need you. For the time being, just be glad that he has a nice girl friend taking care of him on your behalf. This remind me of a story many years back, when my older son was an undergraduate at Caltech, he sudderly call home and told me a weir thing. It was during Thanksgiving, while he entered his dorm, an Asian old lady insisted offer him food, and whie he ate lectured him to be nice to parents and shall go home during holiday. It turn out that her son lived in the same dorm, she hang around there often seemed mentally disturbed. My son did felt guity and decided to call us more often.</p>
<p>Oh Sage 44, don't be sad, don't worry, your loving son will be back. He will be back as more of a man and a bit less high touch in a few years.You have the double wammy and it hurts. Boys naturally pull away, separate themselves when they are trying to become independent and they are not very graceful while doiing so. Some boys have huge, rip your guts, out fights with their parents to do it all at once others more slowly with less communication and standoffish behavior, but they all do it, they have to.
On top of that he brings a girlfriend to his boyhood home> AAARRRGGGHHHH. Now, with no experience at this, he has to assert his independence, look all "adult ", in charge and very "chill' all the while trying to keep her happy because she is truely all he can think about every second of his day. You are a distant thought. Rude, unfeeling ..yes. Normal...welll, pretty much yes.</p>
<p>20 years ago a good friend of mine who was ahead of my kid raising schedule by 15 years gave us this advice. Somewhere between 15-25 yrs of age they begin to think their parents are idiots.. Your job is to only really listen when necessary and take nothing to heart. Around 25 you get your kid back...asking for advice, seeking out your company. If you haven't already killed them this is the beginning of a great adult relationship and you wonder how they grew up so well.</p>
<p>Parents with one son have it the worst! It hurts so bad to go through, he has no older brother to show him how this is done, you are all extra attached to each other because he's your only child, and he has been your #1 thought for the last 18 years. Ugh..not an easy habit to break for any of you.</p>
<p>So console yourselves, lean on your spouse, know that your son loves you but has to do this to become a man. This is new to him and he had no idea that you are hurting so much....</p>
<p>So while you are waiting go do something fun and take care of yourselves!</p>
<p>Inverse: nice story!</p>
<p>Sage, I can assure you that this is a phase. When my son went off to college in 2001, he didn't have a cell phone, and I finally bought him a phone that spring simply out of frustration because I could never reach him. Money was tight, but I paid for that phone service for several years; finally my son took it over when he was employed and starting to run up minutes on the phone. </p>
<p>My son calls me frequently now -- at least enough to keep me satisfied - and he is very attentive when he visits, and often remembers to send little email notes to me as well. He likes internet puzzles and games, so he is always sending me links to new ones he finds - and then when I'm too dumb to solve them, I email him back for clues and he is very helpful. When his grandfather passed away almost 2 years ago, he arranged time off from work so we could fly down together for a hospital visit, and everyone in the family was very touched because he spent a long time at the hospital and was very attentive to his grandpa's needs. </p>
<p>There is just a big difference between being age 18 or 19 and 22+ in terms of maturity. When my son was 2 and throwing a tantrum on supermarket floor, I was frustrated but not angry -- I knew that he was behaving like a normal 2 year old. When he was 13 and quite rude and challenging to me, I again was patient -- though I did insist on going to family counseling with him to iron out some of our difficulties -- because again, I knew that my son was behaving like a normal adolescent. Developmentally, both of those are times of growth and separation, and the first year of college is one more time. </p>
<p>I do have to caution you, though - that if you are angry, or show that you are hurt, or complain about being depressed or lonely, or make frequent demands -- you probably will only succeed in driving him away. If you are using this board as an outlet to express your disappointment - that's fine - it's definitely a good place to vent. But if you are showing your disappointment overtly to your son and his girl friend, then I can see why they might becoming "crisp" in their dealings with you. </p>
<p>I know that it must be particularly hard for you as the parent of an only child. When my son went off, I had his younger sister at home to worry about... and now that she has gone off -- well, I've been through this once before and I know what to expect. On the other hand, I see your post refers to "us" -- which means that you are fortunate to have your husband -- I am a single parent, living alone, in 3 bedroom house that seems quite empty. I have dealt with my empty nest by making a point of getting involved with socializing with groups that are new to me -- I simply don't allow myself to sit home constantly in the evenings and mope. I am really looking forward to my kids both being home next week for winter break, and I hope I will be able to spend time with both of them -- but I don't even know how much time they will spend at home, as they plan to split their time between my home and their father's (he lives nearby, but if they are over at his house, then they aren't at mine). </p>
<p>But again, this is a time of transition and adjustment. It is not just the kids who are growing up, but also the parents who are growing and adjusting to a new life style. As much as it hurts to feel shut out of your son's life, I don't think you really want to be the kind of parent who has a 30 year old unemployed kid living at home -- so for the kids, separation is the first step toward independence. Now is not the time to try to clip their wings.</p>
<p>I love this thread! </p>
<p>Things are going well with S1 at college... he calls/IMs all the time, and we've fallen into a very comfortable relationship. I'm less afraid to ask what he's doing... if he tells me he had a burger for dinner, I don't shy away from asking "with who?" for fear of prying. He shares what he wants to... still less than I'd like him to, but he's accessible. Makes me remember how much I really enjoy his company when he's acting human.</p>
<p>But I came home to this thread this morning after driving S2 (will be 16 in 2 days) to school. I'm ready to miss him! If only he could go someplace.... anyplace... talk about doing nothing right for your kid! I have plans this afternoon, which means I won't be home to shuttle him from school & back to basketball practice. Of course, I arranged a ride for him (I'm not heartless). But just in case, I handed him his practice jersey this morning, and said, "take this now, in case you don't come home afterschool". You'd think I'd suggested he was going to the ends of the earth, or, that I'd asked him to carry a boulder on his back all day. We're talking a nylon jersey... perhaps it weighs 8 ounces? and folds to practically the size of a small paperback book? He had a fit: "I'm not taking it", "I'm not carrying it", "where would I be going". I simply suggested, maybe he'd go to a friend's house who lived walking distance from the school, or get some food... or... whatever! Why not stick it in your locker now, JUST IN CASE you don't come home? He proceeded to scream at me the entire ride to school. In all fairness (to me? to him?) he claims not to care that I have plans this afternoon (and tomorrow, as it turns out), and won't be around to drive him... but why does he have to be so difficult?</p>
<p>Talk about developmental stages. I know this is normal hormonal stuff. But why can't boys plan in advance? Why couldn't he see that planning ahead is not the worst thing in the world?</p>
<p>When do boys get this skill? Or am I asking for a miracle?</p>
<p>^ nymom2sons:</p>
<p>Here I thought is was just girls who acted like this. We are going through similar daily scenarios. Child #2 for us is a girl. :)</p>
<p>nymom--so funny! </p>
<p>There is something about boys' brains that matures later (some boys, anyway.) Can't remember the part or what it's called, but it's the bit that controls planning-ahead/visualing consequences.</p>
<p>This is, sadly, why young men make good cannon fodder. They're not brave, just foolhardy. IMO.</p>
<p>I haven't seen any grades yet but my freshman son who was in many ways immature up to the day he left for college assures me he is learning to organize his time and get his work done. And when he came home for Thanksgiving I could see a difference in his thought processes. We'll see the grades in a few weeks!</p>
<p>And he managed to sign up for all the classes he wants next semester, so he must be doing <em>something</em> on time.</p>
<p>My S used to always pitch an absolute FIT every time I was even a minute or more later than he expected me when it was time to pick him up from school. I never could understand it & still don't to this day.</p>
<p>He has been pretty guarded of his privacy all his life & especially since he started college. We told him that if he didn't call/contact us at least once/week, we'd have to call him to be sure he was alive & healthy. Mostly, he's initiated those weekly contacts & had VERY brief conversations.</p>
<p>We were very amused because yesterday he called like about 5 times trying to figure out what to buy us from the campus bookstore as Christmas gifts. Later last night, he called again & asked if the soup mix & sent him was OK because when he made the soup it looked differently from how he expected it. <grin> We assured him everything was OK. Not used to getting SO many calls from S & pretty amused.</grin></p>
<p>The past few times when he's called, I've been busy & he could hear LOTS Of background noise & I had to ask him repeatedly to speak up. I think he gets that we're still having a life without him. LOL. I still miss him, as we were quite close since he spent a lot of time at home due to chronic health issues. I'm thrilled for him that he has a life, but it has been hard giving him the space & not "prying" to find out what's going on in his new life. As he's gotten more comfortable, he does share more & now we know the names of two of his new friends (learned them from their families & friends).</p>
<p>The dynamic does get more complicated when a GF is added to the mix--fortunately we haven't had this addition--yet.</p>
<p>Sure do feel for you, Sage. Hope you & hubby will do what my folks did as we all "left the nest" & get busy with your OWN interests & lives. My folks started travelling & had a great time. When they were anywhere near our schools, they'd let us know & we could try to figure out how to meet them (or not if scheduling didn't permit). It made our folks more interesting when they talked excitedly about what THEY were doing instead of pining for us.</p>
<p>I'm sure your S will become the wonderful, warm S you know he is, once he realizes that he can still show that he loves you AND be independent. Boys really have a hard time figuring that out, for some reason.</p>
<p>I have learned that some times they're talkative and other times they're not. Seems like they want to talk when you're in the middle of something. DD sometimes calls with off the wall questions. I've learned not to call between noon and 4 PM. It could be nap time. DD comes home in 2 days: the first time since leaving in August. I did visit for parents weekend, but DH and DS haven't see her since she left. I'm reminding myself not to ask too many questions. She's been making lots of plans, so I we get to see her some.</p>
<p>Sage44, I really do empathize with you. My only D's departure to a school far away with contact that has gone from daily and frequent to approximately weekly for not more than 15 minutes has been most difficult for my husband...but, I admit, hard for me, too. Every day my husband says "I think I should call her...or text her...or something" and I say "Leave her alone." Oddly, we'll get a single sentence text message at weird times telling us that her roommate's bugging her or she thought she did well on a test, but she doesn't reply often if we text her back, rarely answers e-mail, and seems to have all but stopped using IM. We've insisted on weekly phone calls...it turns out she's just too darned BUSY to call us. Her free time is usually after midnight, after her dad and I have long gone to bed, so she doesn't call. It is VERY important not to helicopter or nag, though. This will only backfire and your son will become even more "crisp". Be there when he needs you, but follow your own interests and activities. As I tell my hubby, the lack of contact is probably a good sign of our kid's growing independence and maturity in handling her own problems rather than turning to us. She did send me a text message yesterday that she received her care package for reading week though! ;)</p>
<p>Son is home for 3 weeks. playing piano, hanging out....
my anxiety has lessened...had a deep muscle massage today, that helped</p>
<p>I know that my son (now a college junior) is home for vacation when I wake up in the morning and see his size 12 running shoes side by side, right inside the front door. That is what I saw when I woke up this morning. </p>
<p>He was awake later, when I got home from a run, and I told him that those shoes, in that place, are one of my favorite sights in the whole world. </p>
<p>I have found that we have all become very comfortable with the way he comes and goes into our lives, now that the end of college is not that far away (he will be able to graduate actually after fall quarter of his senior year, although he may do a coterminal master's). He always stretches out and says how nice it is to be home--but then 15 minutes later he's off with a friend, and we just kind of see him when we see him. I am so glad that he still has a large group of high school friends who really care for each other.</p>
<p>I actually cringe now when I think about some of the ways I hovered still when he was a freshman. Yikes. Good thing I matured.</p>
<p>DS flew in last night. Was home 10 minutes then out till 1 am with friends. Like Patient, just glad to know he's home.</p>
<p>Thanks, guys, for sharing your stories and wisdom. Son came home with GF after the semester ended. She stayed with us about 4 days before she left for home. She and DS are very close...comforting to me that he's found someone so nice and that they are so devoted (at least for the time being)...and a tinge sad because I feel even more gone from his life. But, I will survive, because college and the GF and his happiness is really all I ever wanted. It's been difficult for me to pick up my own life though; I have an ailing elderly parent, a spouse who has resumed drinking, and my own health issues which make it difficult to do freely the things I like to do. Plus, money is very tight, so....</p>
<p>I still feel pretty off balance, even though DS has been gone since August. Son has been more pleasant than over Txgiving break, but has developed some grandiose ideas about travel and activities, etc. While I admire his budding sense of self, I can't afford to support that new person...and it hasn't dawned on him to look for work. His GF comes from a <em>much</em> wealthier home and takes these niceities for granted...and so son yearns for them too.</p>
<p>I appreciate all your wonderful words. I read each post carefully, and I believe each of you helped me a great deal. I love CC and all who frequent it.</p>
<p>42 hours!!!! He has one more final to go...I can't wait to see him!</p>