<p>Friday night, no one around except my furry friend and</p>
<p>Friday night, no one around except my furry friend and…I miss him, and also I miss somehow the other kids as used to see them almost every day. And the funny side, I miss the kid that I almost raised for almost three years, the one who used to be my D’s BF, the hyperactive angel-devil that used to run up and down the stairs and drove me crazy without rest.
I was thinking to visit my S in a week or two, but since he is very busy this semester, I would have a bittersweet trip with just a quick lunch or dinner and few minutes to give him as many hugs as possible. I would have that or the 42 days wait until he is home for the spring break.
How is everybody else doing?</p>
<p>I've adjusted more to not hearing from him often. Once a week if I'm lucky. I got a response to my email yesterday. That helped. I have about a 3 day limit of no contact. Then I start to miss him more and more. I know he's very busy and I also know he talks on his cell to friends for a long time. I guess that's normal.</p>
<p>It's only been one week after a month at home. Had finally readjusted to his presence, getting into a child at home rhythm. Just cleaned house, that's when I think of him- how so many things will stay cleaner longer. And only buying 1 gal of milk at a time, knowing it will be there in the morning if it was there in the evening. A few e-mails due to new semester, don't expect much until the end of March's spring break. I'm enjoying having husband and house to myself. Starting to let go, think in terms of him being independent of us. Someday maybe we'll find out how he spends his nonacademic time aside from running and the mundanes such as eating, sleeping, computer...</p>
<p>My daughter and her boyfriend just flew in from the east coast, after less than 2 weeks back on campus. The trip was an unexpected - they fly back on Sunday. They have both come home to attend a memorial for a high school classmate and very dear friend who was killed in a car accident last week, a couple of weeks shy of her 20th birthday.</p>
<p>Count your blessings, everyone. At this point I don't care where on the planet my kids may be, near or far, or whether they remember to call, or how quiet the house seems with them gone. I'm just glad that they are healthy and very much alive.</p>
<p>My S sounds very happy. I'm actually flying out to LA but he'll be off skiing with friends that weekend & we probably won't see each other at all. I'm happy for him that he's busy & active. I'll be able to visit with one of my best friends in LA & am sure I'll have a great time.
Still don't know what S plans for Spring Break, but don't believe visiting HI is among his thoughts for that time period. He says some friends from the East Coast may be visiting them in CA instead. We'll just wait & see.
I'm sure I'll miss the kids more when my D leaves in fall 2008.</p>
<p>I am missing my DS but more I'm accustomed to being alone(though my furry ones, two dogs & three cats, keep me busy). I will be much happier though when DS communicates more directly(this will happen, won't it?). I'd asked him how his workstudy job hunt was going and his email response was "If P=NP and there are no odd perfect numbers, I didn't get the job". He then went on to say the job he was refering to included washing dishes, making sure printers had ink and paper, etc. (he'd applied for lab assistant job). I was tempted to ask how much he's making, but I'd need to come to CC to ask for help in figuring out the mathematics of his answer. I am looking forward to February when I'll go down to see him performing in "A Winter's Tale". Its a very small part, but still I want to see him on stage again. (I don't know if he'll have time for anything beyond a quick hug before or after the performance).</p>
<p>I thought this semester would be easy for me, and it was at the beginning, but now I started to worry because every time I talked to my S, he seems too tired. He is the one who calls asking for one thing or another, but he talks about everything like he needs those chats. I don</p>
<p>I thought this semester would be easy for me, and it was at the beginning, but now I started to worry because every time I talked to my S, he seems too tired. He is the one who calls asking for one thing or another, but he talks about everything like he needs those chats. I don’t know why he registered for 19 credits and he isn’t willing to drop any of them, and none of those classes are easy ones, most have labs and too much homework. At the same time, he took a full time position that absorbs most of his free time, meaning, he is eating on the go. He used to be connected with aim every day, but now, he already must forget his password since the account is dormant. Although, he says he is happy because he is doing what he likes and most of his friends are on the same busy path and they still get together on Fridays and Saturday nights.
I wonder if my D would do the same next year, she is already that way in HS doing many ECs and she leaders many of them. I only see her when she is sleeping…
I’m still flipping the coin…should I go to visit him or not? He says he “wouldn’t mind” that in his words means, “yes, come!”</p>
<p>Why my post are always cut in half? ?????????????????:(</p>
<p>Cressmom, I know it is difficult but trust that he knows what he is doing. Wow! 19 credits with labs? You should be proud. You have raised a highly motivated, intelligent young man.
It is hard for me to imagine what these kids are going through. I am one of those people that have always taken the path of least resistance as a student. I had decent grades but I know I would have done a lot better if I only put in the effort at that time.
S1 ( a junior ) is the same. He has always been in leadership positions in high school. I thought he would have been burned up and decide to limit his involvement in college. Well, I was wrong. I suggested he cut down on his ECs and concentrate on his academics. Well, he said his ECs was therapy of some sort, considering how brutal his academic load was. This semester he decided to drop the chairmanship of the most time consuming organization. He said he will help the new chair persons but it is just too much for him right now. Like I said, they know their limits.</p>
<p>I have learned from my two older sons what I now apply to my youngest freshman--let them go for awhile and they get back in touch soon.
Also, text messaging works well for us.</p>
<p>Hi all. As the Op-Ed for this thread, I feel an inclination to post an update. I could write a book, but there isn't room, and no one would read it all. So, I will try to post a few nuggets of information.</p>
<p>Status: Our son is happy and very much enjoying his college days. His grades dropped a bit the first semester (down from his 4.3 in high school), but i think that happens to many students. He realized that the 50% academics and 50% social may not be the right balance for keeping grades where he wants, and needs them to be. He is back to his usual academic level this 2nd semester. He has met so many nice people, and has many close friends. Many of them are even going to Florida for Spring Break. He loves Dorm life. But he is ready for a change, and he and his closest friends have reserved a room in the college owned apartments - for Fall 2007. </p>
<p>Summation of Communication: As this thread creation indicated, we became worried and sad during the early weeks of his college days when we did not hear from him on a regular basis. In fact there were times that we did not hear at all. We finally contacted him (as the thread reflects) and found out that he was ok. Communication improved a bit - so we thought. Now, when i look back, i realize it improved because we convinced ourselves that we had to be satisfied with less frequent calls then what we had hoped for. When we backed down to once a week calls, and we "asked less questions" and "spent more time communicating our life's events to him", then the tone and the duration of the calls improved. Things seemed so much better. However, (as I look back now) we deluded ourselves a bit, because it was us (my wife and I) who were still the ones making the calls (once a week). </p>
<p>We saw him at Thanksgiving for 3 days. It was great. We were close, he was smiling and laughing, and it felt like old times. He came home for Christmas for a couple of weeks. It was a wonderful two weeks (or so). Many meals together. Many conversations. Many good times. It was almost as if he had never left, and things were like his high school days. We were so happy with the visist. (He did go out with his high school buddies quite a bit, but we expected that). After Christmas break, he went back for the 2nd semester. </p>
<p>Summation of 2nd Semester. He calls even less now, then he did the first semester. Probably in part due to the fact that he now is studying more than last semester. The frequency of our calls has also dropped off a bit - as my wife and i are tired of initiating 80%-90% of the calls. He does call when he needs something (has a question re medical insurance coverage, or some request from the school admin office, Or, if he needs us to send him something. He even called me on my cellphone in the middle of the day when he and his friends were discussing stereos - since i am knowledgeable on audio equipment. I felt honoroed that he would call me, it was fun). However, that was over a month ago. He has not called my cellphone since. When he does call, very rarely, when he needs something, it is almost to my wife's cellphone. She says it is because during all his school days up through high school, she was at home to help him. She has been a "stay at home mom" since the day he was born. (During those years, i commuted to work at 5am, and didn't get home till 5:30 at night). So she is right that she was more available for his questions, issues, needs. Which is probably most of why he calls her cell. Knowing that - doesn't help ease the pain though. I miss him. I wish i heard from him more. </p>
<p>Fast forward to some current realizations and thoughts. You hear about the need for parents to "let go". Does that (only) mean "letting go of him" as he goes off to school? Or, does it include letting go of assumptions and dreams, than in some cases are false or unrealistic. Realizing that a relationship is not always what/how it appears. When you see someone (your child) every day of his/her life, and you have discussions, fun, laughter, etc. - you can easily make assumptions. You can assume that your level of interest is shared by the other party. I have learned that it may not be so. I had this (unrealistic) fantasy that i would share in his college days (meaning he would want to call, to tell me about classes, Profs, friends, parties, football games, etc.). Was I naive or what? </p>
<p>I am learned and mature enough to know that things are not always black and white. Just because i do not hear from him much, does not mean that he does not still love me deeply. Ironically, I love my mother very very much, and yet i have always been bad at calling her. Guess what, yep, I have called her more this year, than over the last couple of years. Amazing how a dose of reality can wake one up. He is surely mostly just caught up in spending times with the many friends at school, the good times they are having, and with all the homework that is required to keep his grades up. Unfortunately, the thoughts of us (my wife and I) rarely enter into his head. Or if they do, it does not spark a desire to call home. Maybe he needs to watch the move ET (probably most of you are too young to remember the line that ET muttered over and over again. </p>
<p>** A quick side note. I don't know if some parents think that they are being helpful, or just communicating "their" situation, when they post "Oh, we hear ALL the time from our son/daughter". It sometimes deepens our pain. (However, I am thrilled for you in your wonderful situation. Good for you. Truly). Also, those who come across as pyschologists, and tell us how selfish we are being, and that we need to consider our son's feelings. Do you think that is helpful? There are times, when it is ok to just listen to someone in their pain - without having to chastize or criticize. It is OK to feel a variety of different emotions. If you read my last few sentences below, you will realize that our overall perspective is quite healthy.</p>
<p>Bottomline. Nope, there is no bottomline for this post. It has been an endless path of ups and downs. We are thrilled when he hear from him, and we savor every word. If I had to choose a bottomline thought it would be that I am thrilled that he is happy at college. Isn't that we all want for our kids (to be happy).</p>
<p>helms2lee - thanks for the update. We have a freshman (only son) and we struggle a bit with this too - but I guess we're starting to get used to it. Son had a successful first semester - did well academically, made good friends and had fun. Christmas break at home was great - it was so nice to reconnect again. Now, we keep in touch with email - one or two per week. Plus calls - one every week or two (we usually wait till he calls us). Wish it was more but we're OK with it as is.<br>
He called us recently to tell us he was considering joining a frat. We were surprised since he had a less than positive view of this scene last semester. But we were happy he called us to talk it over and we tried VERY hard not to sound judgmental (he knows we're are not fans but I think he appreciated that we tried to keep an open mind). Fast forward two weeks and he has pledged the frat and seems happy to have a new social network opening up to him. We are not funding this (he knew not to ask). It's hard to accept this new development but we feel we need to try in order to keep the lines open. So far so good. But a new source of worry of course...
We will see him for one day around spring break as he gets ready to go on a week long ski trip in Vermont. He'll be home this summer though - so we have that to look forward to. And I must say, we are beginning to take advantage of our new lot in life - going out more on weekends and traveling on shorter notice. Big adjustment though...</p>
<p>Communication has been very up and down for us as well, Helms. Like you, we had wonderful holiday visits with our S, but still the information about his college life was piece meal and guarded. I got the feeling he was still sorting things out in his own mind.</p>
<p>Since his return this semester, I sense a real upswing in his attitude. He seems more comfortable. I took a short trip to a nearby city, and he surprised me and came with his sister to see me. I was expecting her, but not him, so it was a wonderful surprise. He spoke a little more openly and that was good.</p>
<p>I have been mainly a stay at home mom myself, expecially with this kid. We were/are very close. I have been very involved with him, as he is a musician and he needed a lot of involvement from me as he progressed and music became serious, leading to his decision to attend a conservatory. I have really missed that partnership we had, knowing what was going on with the music, but I can see that he feels he needs to be independent and in control and that is part of his growth. </p>
<p>One final note--I often check the school event calendar to see what's going on there since he never tells me. He is in one of the major ensembles so I am aware that he has a big performance coming up, but he hadn't mentioned it, so I didn't. When his dad called him on his birthday last weekend (Dad is not a frequent caller), he told him about it. We were quite surprised. I'm taking it as an invitation to come see it. I hope that's what he meant!</p>
<p>youngest is a senior/h.s....and the only girl. She's always been more communicative with her dad & me than the bros were. (We barely heard from them at all during college...other than rare requests for additional $$$ on top of the regular dole that "magically" showed up in their accounts. Nice visits at holidays/breaks but not much else.) Already wondering if the difference will continue...will she call home more, or actually chat more when we call her? Not sure I want to go there yet...</p>
<p>BTW, Helms, your OP brought back some memories--my first went off in 1997...I guess his "abandonment" of dear ole mom & dad prepared us better for when the other 2 left. I do remember the bittersweetness of that time...yes, telling myself I had to cut the apron strings, etc...but no matter how much you "know" in your head, it's still the heart that over rides, isn't it.</p>
<p>Helms2lee--Make that "Was I naive or WHAT??? :D</p>
<p>Yes, we all were. We thought it would be like the first day of kindergarten--a brand new experience that our son or dau would want to debrief with us about every day (or at least once a week.) Guess what? While we weren't looking they grew up, or are at least trying to.</p>
<p>There's probably a difference betweeen boys & girls, and between 1st and succeeding kids (the first to go having gently trained us.) </p>
<p>And probably we were reliving our college days, just a little bit, and would experience the same things over again or else do things differently on purpose. Well, that wasn't happening either. Different life, different everything.</p>
<p>I have made a determined effort to fill my life with more activities, knowing that I'll never have more time and health (and brain cells) than I do right now. </p>
<p>My 2 cents worth of summation.</p>
<p>mommusic--you are so lucky!!! I have no brain cells left...as I've told my children, I used to be beyond brilliant but selflessly gave up 1/4 of my brain cells to each child. (that worked until they started learning reproductive science, then I was in trouble until I convinced them it was their aggravating ways that diminished my brain capacity...actually, that still works, and they're 18-28 yrs. old.)</p>
<p>Seriously, though, you're right...it's time to launch my own parade, and march to a different drummer (one that's not in a school band)</p>
<p>Thanks for the update, Helms. Lots of wisdom and understanding there.</p>
<p>For what it's worth I save my college kids' emails to me (and mine to them). I have put some of them in a looseleaf notebook and plan to do the same to the rest. It makes me feel I have hold of something.</p>
<p>Helms2lee-- Maybe it will make you feel better if I tell you that my sons rarely call. My 2nd one, well, he's never really been a chatty type at all, so no surprise there, I guess. Anyway, I called him a couple of weeks ago, and he was <em>busy</em> and said he'd call back, which he did, eventually, a couple of weeks later, when he had time to chat. He said he had thought about calling, but always at 1 AM in the morning. Well, the fact that he had even thought about calling was thrilling to hear from his lips, LOL, with this one. I pretty much initiate the social calls. My oldest will initiate from time to time when funds are low . . .</p>
<p>I still cannot let go completely though. I simply cannot stop buying way too much food. When my oldest is home, he eats everything. Now, the stuff just sits and goes rotten, but I can't seem to help myself.</p>
<p>I guess I could add that I know enough to know that there are things about their college experiences that I really don't want to know!</p>