We miss him, Maybe he doesn't miss us. ?

Parents Forum
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<p>Helms, </p>

<p>I just remembered that I wanted to tell you that with my daughter who went away to college and now lives in another state, and now the youngest S who is away (the oldest is still home with us), whenever I really want to send them the message that they had better get in touch with us asap, I leave the message (now text message, imagine that!), "ET, phone home". Believe it or not, it works. When either of them get that message, they know I am serious and they had better respond and they always do.</p>

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<p>Spelmon - thanks for the mention. That was a great movie, and quite appropriate in this thread. </p>

<p>With your use of phone texting, I will say: "Welcome to the aughts". I have heard that this decade (instead of the 80s's or 90's) will be referred to by "the aughts". Used to be "welcome to the 80's or 90s, now it is welcome to the aughts".</p>

<p>Isn't it amazing how quickly and easily our kids can use a phone keypad to type in a note. I have worked with computers since the early 80's, so i am very keyboard literate. However, using a phone keypad to type a message is still a challenge for me. Good for you. </p>

<p>A few months ago, we flew to Austin for a wedding. On the way, we had a layover in Denver. The airport was almost closed due to snow. This was before 'winter' had begun, and it was an unexpected snow storm. I took out my phone (with a camera) and snapped a couple of quick pictures of the snow. I handed the phone to my daughter (8th grade), and asked her to "text" a message to her brother (my son), so that he might have a chance to see the snow. It was all of about 10 seconds later, and the message, with the picture, was on it's way. :-)</p>

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<p>Helms...a couple of observations. First, give yourself a pat on the back for respecting your son's preference for the moment. I think you will be well rewarded in the future.</p>

<p>On the other hand, don't censor yourself. Don't assume that he doesn't want to hear from you. </p>

<p>Don't assume this muteness will last forever. As your son moulds himself into an adult, he may be much more forthcoming. I can't believe the difference in my junior this year. I actually got a Valentine's day call from him--shocking! As he has a better idea of what kind of man he is, he sounds much stronger on the phone. I don't know about you, but I think it is tough for some 18 to 19 year olds to bloom under the intense light of their (sometimes overwhelming) parents.</p>

<p>My younger one is an extrovert (like his mother), he is a more natural communicator--and I think it will serve him well in leadership positions. We have been blown away by his communication actually. He is travelling through remote territory at the moment, without a phone, yet still manages to stay in contact with a slew of folks via texts from borrowed phones and group emails. He's the PT Barnum of communication apparently.</p>

<p>At this point in his life my husband calls his parents without prompting --but he didn't for the first 20 years of our marriage. I prompted him to make every call, every reservation so that he could keep in contact. And he is his parent's favorite!</p>

<p>Final advice: encourage your son to date extroverts if you want to keep in touch with him! ;)</p>

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<p>We have the opposite problem with our senior s. He has "hints" of probably acceptance at several great schools in BA or BFA but would rather go to an inferior program closer to home than a superior program far away. Not just his girlfriend, but "home..." the reason. No one, especially his mother, who is, of course, simple-minded, can help him pick apart what is important now and what may be important two years from now.</p>

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<p>Helm2Lee; how eloquently you write. I can feel your pain and the loss you are experiencing. My oldest D goes off to college this fall and having read your thread from the beginning, the lump in my throat is almost permanent.</p>

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<p>Natmicstef - Hi. I read your post. I sense your apprehension. As i have done in this thread, I could go on and on, and write a book. I will attempt to be brief. I have mixed feelings about our son's college experience, and the feelings are at opposite ends of the spectrum. On the one hand, as I have stated throughout this thread, it has been somewhat stressful and painful since he has gone away to college. Yet, it is also very very rewarding to realize that he is happy, and that he is moving forward to the next phase of his life. </p>

<p>Looking back to last year. Watching him fill out the applications, write the essays, take the college entrance exams, and then to receive the test scores, the college acceptances, and the scholarship notifications. Those were some very rewarding times. Helping him prepare for the move to the dorms, and the move-in week. It was all such a high. I wish for you the same joy, and the same high. </p>

<p>I think that we all go through the same experience differently. Some parents are different than other parents. Some students are different than other students. I suppose that some parents have enough wisdom to realize that their kids may not communicate much about their college experiences. Other parents (my wife, myself, and many many others in this thread) are taken by surprise in the lack of communication. Some students feel more inclined to call home, email, instant message, or text message, on a regular basis. Others don't. </p>

<p>Your daughter may be one of those who communicate on a regular basis. I sense, in general, in this thread, that girls 'tend' to be a bit more communicative than the guys. Yet, that is not set in stone - as there are many many posts from parents who do not hear from their daughters. </p>

<p>If I had to summarize, I would tell you to enjoy each and every day to the max. Watch and enjoy the changes that your daughter is going through. Be there to help her when she has some questions or needs assistance. (Even when they think they know it all, they still ask for our help. At least some of the time.). And, prepare yourself for that first semester. Don't assume too much (in either direction). If she does not communicate much, re-read this thread, maybe you will find some golden nugget from someone. If she does communicate, then enjoy each and every communication.</p>

<p>(side note: one thing that a college administration speaker told us parents during Registration Week, was to NOT let much more than a week go by, with out hearing from your child, at least not in the first couple of months. She warned parents that, though it is rare, some students go through depression, and if they have not made friends, then family might be the only ones to reach out to them. This is part of what generated our initial fears. Turns out our son was fine, but we needed to know for certain. Make sense? )</p>

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<p>I agree completely with the minimum of once a week communication. I had one hard non-negotiable rule - had to hear from my daughter at minimum once a week, to know that she was safe. I explained that the requirement was NOT that I wanted to know who she was with, what she was doing, if she did her homework on time, etc., and, it didn't matter if the communication was a text message, phone call, email, IM or even a smoke signal - I just absolutely needed to know she was safe. If I could also be updated that she was happy in addition to being safe, even better. </p>

<p>Mine tends to be silent and doesn't reach out for days and sometimes up to two weeks in a row, punctuated by periods where she enthusiastically overcommunicates, calling, chattering non-stop, sending email several times a day. Then she completes her "mom fix" and she's off again. It's the same if I'm in the same city and under the same roof, or if I'm somewhere else. </p>

<p>I think that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and that some students will communicate early and often, others will be distance but then come back. Five years out or so it probably all evens out.</p>

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<p>S1 , a sophomore, turned 20 on Feb. 14th.,a milestone, no longer a teenager.
I sent him a Happy Birthday email saying we would call him that night after his last class. Called at 9:30, no answer. Felt kind of empty inside that I was not only not seeing him on his b-day but not even talking to him. He called the next night ( I guess he noticed the missed call on his cell phone). He sounded very tired. Said he had not gotten out of class until 9:00 the night before and then had to study for 2 big tests. I was a little ashamed of myself for feeling sorry for myself for not talking to him on his b-day after finding that he was in class late and then studying for tests on his b-day and not complaining at all. I'm happy to know that he is mature enough to prioritize studying for tests above birthday partying. Also have come to realize that he is living a life totally separate from us now and that it's a good thing that it doesn't rock his world to not talk to Mom and Dad on b-day. It is hard for us to let go but how much harder would it be for them if they couldn't let go?</p>

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<p>Helms 2 Lee</p>

<p>Just a quick note to say that my wife and I have really enjoyed this thread and your posts (and really really appreciated not having to be the recipients of some of those "helpful" replies ) Wish I had some wisdom to share but only validation that you are not alone in your feelings and experiences with a son off to college. Keep posting so we don't have to ;)</p>

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<p>Just want to "second" the sentiments expressed by Charm2017, including my appreciation for Helms2Lee for starting this thread, and in subsequent posts, letting many of us know we are not alone!</p>

<p>Your last post was one of many that hit home with me. Observing (and sometimes assisting with) the application process, admissions notifications, all of the "stuff" that goes along with senior year, getting ready for college...and then not being able to observe the "results" has been difficult. Our DS is, and always has been, very independent. He is a wonderful conversationalist when he's in the mood...and...in his teen years...the "mood" was very infrequent, but we always enjoyed it when it showed up (often during rides in the car...which is what many of the parenting experts say is the best time to communicate with a teen!)</p>

<p>However, after not hearing from DS the first few weeks of school, and thanks to some of the advice on this thread, we were able to get DS to pick an evening to call us each week. He has faithfully called us that night every week. Not a specific time, but always on that night. Most of the conversations have been unsatisfying from my point of view....they're more like question from us with monsylabbic answers from him...but at least we know he is well. And...we know from previous posts on this thread...that the monsylabbic answers are not unique to our DS! We are pleased that he has agreed to this minimal "intrusion" on his life at college, and realize there are other parents who get more info, and many who get less...so we're working on becoming satisfied.</p>

<p>We don't call him, and don't instant message. If there's something we really need an answer to, we e-mail, and, in the "subject", say "response required." This form of correspondence usually gets an answer within 24 to 48 hours. Once again, would love to hear more than just a straight answer to the question, but he is responding!</p>

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<p>This thread has been honest, touching at times, and interesting to many as we all move toward letting go of being so central to our children's lives. In this dazzling information age, it can be hard to recognize that our children may opt to "exchange" emails, IMs, text messages and phone calls with scores of people their age a day and not include us in the loop. In that aspect alone, perhaps the "perceived loss or injury" is magnified for those of us aging up and left out of the daily scoop, and I speak as a parent who was just stunned to see the text message numbers on our family phone bill. My son used to get about one phone call every two or three weeks and was phone phobic! We were the center of his world for feedback and for processing his day, and he only had a small circle of close friends. And we have many treasured memories of his college search year as parents. Now he has a score of friends he both admires and learns from daily. His friends are saavy enough to help him problem solve and are also there to cheer him up.
This digital age simply doesn't correlate to our lives in the 60s and 70s when a long distance parental phone call might occur on a hall that had one phone per forty students. My S checks his mail only about once a week since no one writes him and he writes no one, yet most of us composed dutiful letters to parents in our day, especially if we were out of funds. I do believe we have to teach our children a certain sense of duty and obligation to elders but how that it works varies a lot from family to family. And our kids are not wired the same. Some use the digital age to simply plug into voluminous social lives and enjoy daily moments with parents, and others need strong boundaries, and parents who won't ask for frequent electronic contact and exchange.<br>
I have some letters from my parents from my first years away from home. I am struck with how unselfish they really were, but also with how little they grasped about my new life and world. They didn't even expect to stay informed, and the letters dwindled as the years passed. Like many college students, I also weathered parental divorce that took place after the nest emptied and I had to deal with parental neediness from afar. Parental neediness and age 20 are not a good match.
What I most needed in my early 20s, which is a pretty narcissistic phase of life, was to see my parents move on and have vibrant, interesting lives to share as examples to me, to show me how to cope with a crisis, and to provide me with a "soft place to land" now and then. Any sign of general well-being in their lives strengthened and grounded me. So I suppose it is our task to keep growing and find a new center, and for some of us that is a bigger task than for others.<br>
There are several salient separate topics in this thread such as the question of "getting our own middle aged lives launched and recentered post children" and also "setting up a set of norms regarding common courtesy expectations" that allow those of us past fifty to have fun building a new set of norms and bonds with those entering their 20s. Filial piety means a thousand different things, but I do recommend a routine. In our household, I refrain from any IMs, never look at Facebook, and send out links to my S to articles of interest. I explained to him when he left home that I did not expect a response when I sent things like newspaper articles on topics of his own special interest. I do Spell Out when an email needs a response. And I have withheld money and gifts when a gift was received with zero manners or acknowlegment. I didn't dream these rules up; I learned them only by realizing that our son has certain weaknesses and I have certain expectations, and we basically have found a routine that makes us feel respected and happy enough now. We get some very conversational phone calls when we stick to every week to ten days, and converse with him in the same level of courtesy that we would extend to a good friend. He does call us when he has a problem and then we can reenter the parent/child zone, but it is actually a blessing to recognize that he solves 90% of his issues with his own resources and new friends.
Anyway, narcissism may be a normal aspect of their age, but angst is also normal for us. Yes, it gives us a pang now and then to see another family merrily chatting with their college students quite often, but we have found our sea legs for our family. And I don't think I would trade it for some predicaments faced by other parents who only get frequent but negative contact from children struggling with finding friends and solving their own problems.</p>

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<p>Faline2 - what a great post. I may respond again, after reading it two or three times, and taking it all in. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, maybe not all all. But i wanted to let you know that I really appreicate all that you said. </p>

<p>Isn't it amazing that CC brings up all together in this way. I don't mean to be corny, but for some of us, these issues are deep, and the replies from others are so helpful.</p>

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<p>yes, and I think one of the "existential" questions at this age is that we really don't know for sure with some of our kids how much reciprocity is going to blossom in our relationships with them as they grow into adults with their own ties to new people in their own generation.<br>
My S is not the kind of person who does a lot of caretaking/warm fuzzy behaviors for anyone, but on the other hand, I have to see and I do celebrate that he has reciprocity galore for people his age, and the tools to build meaningful friendships. He is respectful to the elders in his family and he fulfills some filial duties even now at this age. I am happy to take credit for some of his social acumen and I can see with my own eyes that he has some great friendships already. We must have done some things well. Perhaps believing in our kids is the way to go, and demonstrating that we are OK if they must move away is also what they need. I am going to try to have confidence, as some other posters have conjectured, that our children will "return" when they are more clear about who they are, and again later when they arrive at the same passages in life when we all stepped up to the challenge of being new parents. In the meantime, this is a confusing era. I recall my middle aged prof in Abnormal Psych comparing middle age to another adolescence, and he gave lots of examples from his own life as father to grown college kids..examples that contrasted what it is like for one person to be looking back while another person is just coming of age, one person to be looking at career limitations or plateaus, and another person to be looking at limitless possibilities and new horizons, one person to be peaking in beauty and virility and the middle aged person to be..well--- I felt sorry for him at the time as it all sounded like such a drag. ha!</p>

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<p>Faline2, I didn't realize it until I read both of your posts, and then for the second and third time, but, I think the trick for parents is perhaps to proactively accelerate their second life - this is a good part of keeping the relationship interesting and alive, perhaps.</p>

<p>I didn't realize it AT ALL - until your last post provoked me to sit here and take inventory, but, in the 4.5 years my child has been in college, I have completely changed my entire career and means of earning a living (from traditional employee to entreprenuer), doubled my income, changed my primary residence to two separate cities, changed my lifestyle from 9-5 person to 60% travel, shed a lifestyle of sedans for a flashy sports car, resumed dating after a 15 year moratorium (very difficult to date safely and rationally while being a single parent), joined three health clubs, began to compete in a sport on the state level, remodeled half of our primary home, changed 80% of my warddrobe, along with a few more major items that right now I cannot recall. I even applied to and was accepted at one college (but didn't matriculate). </p>

<p>I never formed the intention to make major changes - I merely began doing what I wanted to do, and what I finally had the resources (time AND money) to do, and had put on the back burner for so long, while completing raising the now young adult.</p>

<p>I think change is what keeps my daughter interested in me, and engaged in the relationship. She just has to know what's up next, if for no other reason than she wants to keep a watchful, evaluatory eye on her support system, maybe make sure it doesn't flake out completely, start wildly spending her assumed inheritance or something lol. </p>

<p>I think maybe the answer for parents - regardless of how comfortable and suitable is the empty or shrinking nest - is get out in the world and do and be, get deeply engaged in the next chapter of life, whatever that's supposed to be. It's better than waiting for the phone to ring or the email inbox to fill up. </p>

<p>I do remember the very first week my daughter was at college, I desperately wanted her to call, and the phone would not ring no matter how hard I wished it. I frantically cleaned the house to keep busy and keep my hands off the phone, and became so obsessed I found myself polishing the light bulbs even. Then, I lit a blue candle and put it by the phone, because I'd read in a book somewhere that so doing would make the phone ring. She did finally call of course, but, she still goes through those times where she does not interact with me, and, I just let her be, knowing she'll circle back around to me eventually. But now I'm too busy to count the minutes, hours or days, or polish the light bulbs.</p>

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<p>well...gee whiz latetoschool, you ARE the opposite of a Drag. The blue candle is a new idea that sounds appealing when we are "looking back" and missing our daily dose of Ds or Ss! Magic! But I guess your message is that being proactive about your next phase of life is likely going to lead to the outcome we all want anyway..positive shared time with your kids in a new context..and perhaps also setting an example worth following when they hit the same turn in the road at our age
no amphetamines involved?</p>

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<p>LOL - well..I am very addicted to espresso. I didn't plan things this way at all. Never did I form such intentions. I didn't even have a plan, with the singular exception that I would "work more" in order to make sure the college costs were all paid. </p>

<p>A single parent needs tons of energy anyway, especially when the child involved is an uber-extrovert over-achiever, highly social type. But when the sole recipient of all of that daily output of activity goes away - and the phone doesn't even ring no matter how long that blue candle burns or how many light bulbs one polishes, and the parent is still operating at the same high energy level, well, all that energy has to be directed somewhere else, I suppose. </p>

<p>I never really thought about it, until I read your posts. I have been too busy "doing" to be "thinking", let alone "planning". LOL.</p>

<p>I do very much think that it is always a surprise - no matter how wonderful the parent-child relationship - how easily and happily they move away from close communications. And then just when you've adjusted, they come bouncing back in again, noisy, hungry, whirlwinds of activity. LOL.</p>

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<p>Helms, Faline, and Latetoschool,</p>

<p>WONDERFUL posts from all of you!!! Thanks for taking your time to share your experiences with all of us "kindred spirits." My oldest son is a freshman this year, and I have recieved so much encouragement during this transition time from you and others who have posted on this thread!!</p>

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<p>Thank you all for the wonderful posts, I loved the post about the blue candle. I went down to Pasadena over the weekend to see my son who had a small part in a play. Biggest shock was when I saw him before the play on Saturday for a bite to eat - my blond son had his hair dyed black for the play. Oh my. I must say when the play began, I just stared at my son and didn't pay any attention to the play for the first 15 minutes or so. All I could think about was him as an 8 or 10 year old and now as a young adult and how much he has changed.<br>
He'd told me he might be interested in breakfast on Sunday morning. I waited until almost 11 am to call and he was more interested in sleep than seeing mom. I said ok (though tears were starting to fall). I needed to head back to Oakland. Indeed, I miss him and he doesn't really miss me.<br>
I also left him feeling extremely confused. In January I'd emailed and asked if he'd gotten the work study job he'd applied for. His email reply was "If P=NP and there are no odd perfect numbers then he did not get the job" I had assumed the P=pass and NP=not passing. When I made a reference to his work study job this weekend, he asked if I knew if P=NP, and then proceeded to explain that it has to do with a math problem, not with pass/fail and that in order to figure out whether or not he got the work study job, I needed to do some research on P=NP. A little research left me feeling that I'll never really know if P=NP or if there are any odd perfect numbers...so I guess I'll just send him emails bugging him about looking for a workstudy job until he tells me directly that he's working. Oh for a child that would communicate directly.</p>

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<p>Oaklandmom. It must have been fun to see him perform. You must be proud. Congrats. </p>

<p>Not sure if this link will help or not?</p>

<p><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complexity_classes_P_and_NP%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complexity_classes_P_and_NP&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>Thanks Helms2Lee, it is fun to see my S perform..he's kind of shy..but he does love to be on stage. Thanks for the wikipedia link..I'm still baffled. It looks to me like P=NP is unsolved..I guess maybe it means the job question is unsolved which must mean no job? (grr). I don't really know. Oh well, I guess I'll send him an email and tell him to find a work study job.</p>