<p>I bring this post back to the top, primarily for new parents (parents of current high school seniors: those students who have applied, who are being accepted, and who will be going off to college next year).</p>
<p>Please read this thread, at least some of it. </p>
<p>Some of you will experience frustration, sadness, misery, and even anger. This thread really helped my wife and I to deal with the unexpected - when our son went off to college.</p>
<p>Best wishes to all of you.</p>
<p>What? No update? How is the relationship going Helms?</p>
<p>cheers - Things are fine. It has been one of the most difficult years for us, in terms of parenting. We (my wife and I) are happier for a mix of reasons. We have grown to accept less (in terms of how often we hear from him, and how much information he shares - as compared to how much we would have enjoyed hearing during this past year). It is, what it is. We have learned, or forced ourselves to move on with our life and focus on our life instead of his. That is a mixed blessing. By focusing on our lives and our plans - you can conclude that we "have a life". (that is a good thing). However, we enjoyed having him be the center of our existence. It was not that we did not have a life. We just enjoyed his every day - seeing him grow, hearing of his adventures, meeting his friends, driving him places before he drove, seeing him wake up in the morning, saying good-night every night. It was very rich and fulfilling. We realize that is never to be again, and we cherish the memories. We have moved on, and have completed several home improvement projects. </p>
<p>He is still very much enjoying college, dorm life, his many friends, the classes, etc. </p>
<p>One big change is that he now sees his sister (now 14) in a much more mature way. He has taken a stronger interest in her - on those rare occasions when he does call. :-) He is more encouraging to her. He even tells her how "he remembers those days" of whatever she is going through in school, or with her friends. Kind of fun to see that change.</p>
<p>He is registering for classes for Fall/2007 this week. He has already found 3 other guys who he will be sharing an apartment with next year (in University owned Apts). </p>
<p>How is the relationship going? He is kinder now during his rare calls (as compared to the beginning of the Fall semester). He still mostly calls when he needs something. We have stopped calling him every week. He never did adopt a routine of calling us on a regular basis. It is hit and miss. Might go 2 or 3 weeks with no call. Then, maybe 2 calls in one week. </p>
<p>He rarely returns emails. I have the best luck, when i send an email with no questions about how he is doing, and instead just include a one or two line status note of something i am doing. I have sent pictures of our home improvment projects, and asked his opinions at different points. I think he liked when i would ask "do you like this color, or that color?". He will respond with some emotion when he has seem come change in the house that he likes. We recently tore out a deck, put in a patio, and got a new hot-tub. He liked that change. :-)</p>
<p>Thanks for asking. </p>
<p>Again, i posted my post today because i really want some new parents to read, and be prepared for next year. Not all parents are affected the same way that we (and a few hundred other parents) were. But for those who do go through what we have gone through, i hope that this thread will help them.</p>
<p>k, he is a guy, it how many guys are...not all, but come on fellas, you know I am right...</p>
<p>My H can spend hours with some friend golfing, or having dinner, and when he comes home, he doesn't know how the guys divorce is going, or his other friends new baby....what they talk about for hours, who knows</p>
<p>sounds trite, but years ago I read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, not all ladies or gentlemen fit into these categories of course, but as a general rule, I have found it helpful to see how the other sex thinks and communicates</p>
<p>maybe mom should do some reading on different kinds of communication patterns people have, it will show its not personal with her son, and may also give her some clues as to how to draw him out</p>
<p>glad it is going better</p>
<p>Be patient Helms. It is difficult to let go of thsoe wonderful 'little kid' years. The end of those years brings so many mortal thoughts.</p>
<p>If I can make a suggestion, it would be to spend some of those home improvement funds on a fantastic family journey--to some place that has some history--Europe, Asia, Peru. Sometimes you can connect with the 'new' mature son when he is not living in your territory.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing though. You remind me of my friend. I stopped by to visit her last year when her family was discussing her son's university choices. her son is so very brilliant, I suggested that she let him go out of town--even though that was not the custom for her culture.</p>
<p>Anyway, he went out of town--and nearly died of pneumonia in the first ten days--literally hospitalized! :eek: </p>
<p>Since then, he has come home and described how wonderful it has been to be him and only him at his new school--not the son or brother of anyone. He is both the same--and someone new. He has a new gravity to him--more mature, more masculine. </p>
<p>His absence is not easy for my friend and her husband because they come from a very emotional culture and they were very involved in his life. But interestingly, the vacuum left them an amazing opportunity to know their other son--who is equally brilliant--but in the arts.</p>
<p>Thanks for writing Helms. I could have written the same words. We have all experienced similar adjustments this year. Now the semester is winding down and our S will be home for three months. That will be another adjustment. I'll have my old job back again (mom/valet). We visited our son last Saturday, and it went well. In fact, he suggested we stay for the ball game that night, but we didn't plan on making it an overnight and had a long drive home. I thought later that it was nice to have to go when he actually wanted us to stay. It was still sad leaving him. What a roller coaster ride.</p>
<p>With my 3rd child a freshman in college, you'd think I'd be adjusted to the "adjustments" but I just realized even if I'm used to the scene, it will be DS's first time home for the summer after a year as a college student. So even if I think I've seen it all, I probably haven't. :eek:</p>
<p>Every child is different--wonder what this summer will bring? Fortunately or not, his older brother will not be home this summer, so child #3 can be the big brother to child #4! Maybe that will bring out his inner maturity?</p>
<p>I know one thing--we should have plenty to talk about. All those emails he never responded to...</p>
<p>My younger daughter has been complaining since the older one got in high school that we give the teen too much attention, and she wishes she was an only child. Wouldn't you know it, just as she turns 13 her older sister will be off at college and she gets her wish. ;-) </p>
<p>My older daughter begged to go away to a 10 day sleepaway camp at age eight. She didn't write once. In the years since the days away in the summer have increased, until last summer she was home 4 days. (Six of those weeks she spent at her favorite University, which she was thrilled to be accepted to, and will be attending next fall.) She does email when she needs things. And call when she's bored walking from classes back to the dorm. And that adds up to one communication every week to 10 days. She always sounds like she is loving life, so though I may save the emails forever as though they were her first baby booties, I'm soo incredibly proud and happy for her.</p>
<p>What a great attitude, UCDAlum82 (I'm guessing your screen name has something to do with Davis?).</p>
<p>What an amazing thread! It should be required reading for all parents of college freshmen. I've been reading all morning and never did get to my yard work (woohoo). Thank you all so much for sharing. </p>
<p>My DD is a high school senior and will be leaving home in 123 days. I've been counting the days down since she made her decision because I'm trying to prepare myself for the changes to come. I know that I have to 'let go' and let her fly - even if that means flying away from me, but I'm not sure how to do it. My younger son said he is going to find me a hobby so I can't focus all of my attention on him. Smart kid. </p>
<p>It helps to know now, ahead of time, that I may not hear from her as often as I'd like. I'll be better prepared. Thanks again to all of you for sharing your experiences.</p>
<p>I finally got tired of being "subtle" and flat out told him it hurt my feelings when I called and he was so uncommunicative. He's 5 states away and we don't see him physically very often. Since we've cleared the air, I call twice a week and he is expected to talk to me--really talk-- for five minutes each time. And he does. I feel much better and he is none the worse for it. :)
momoffive</p>
<p>momoffive--I agree, if you're starting to feel like a money machine or a doormat, you should speak up. Sometimes they can be thick. With a little direction, your child will be a better son or daughter and ultimately, better spouse & parent.</p>
<p>SuNa, my screen name refers to me graduating from UCD. It was a great school and I loved every second there. My husband graduated from UCBerkeley. So my daughter didn't want to go to either of those schools. She'll be at UCLA.</p>
<p>Thinking back, I was the first in my family to go away to school, and I'm sure I didn't call home very often, maybe once a month. I remember my mother called early one Sunday morning, figuring I'd be in my room. This was in the old days when the phones hung on the wall next to the door. The door was unlocked and one of the guys walking down the hall answered the phone, told my mom I was still in bed, but he could wake me if she wanted. She didn't call mornings ever again.</p>
<p>Mommusic - your post made me laugh out loud, with regards to "things to talk about". I am laughing again, as i type. Wow, can we ever relate to that comment. :-)</p>
<p>It reminds me of the other reason why this thread is so helpful. Not only do we hear from other parents who have gone through, or who are going through, similar circumstances, but we also hear some great comments that make us laugh, and we all know how therapeutic laughter is. </p>
<p>thank you.</p>
<p>Helms2lee--you're welcome!</p>
<p>UCDAlum made me laugh. If that had happened to me my mother would have probably come (600 miles) and personally inspected my personal life.</p>
<p>Helms2lee, your lost couple of posts reminded me of high school years, when close friends would say things like "we drive right past your street on our way to the school, it's no problem for us to swing by, why not carpool" etc. I always said no; I absolutely LOVED driving her to school every morning, having that quiet time to be with her, and then dropping her off, and getting a kiss, and wishing her a wonderful day. I didn't want to be deprived of even one day, so, no carpooling for us. </p>
<p>Obviously those days ended for me as well, but, I still try to replicate the experience via whatever electronic means are available :)</p>
<p>I think I will probably do that for the rest of my life - even if we're in different cities or even different countries from time to time, I will always try to send that love in some way or another...</p>
<p>I wish I had seen a thread like this one a year ago. Our oldest left for school in Aug '05 and what a difficult time it was. I wouldn't describe us as 'helicopter parents' but we've always been involved in our boys' lives - baseball, frisbee, theatre, etc. I remember being close to tears when a group of parents gathered to trade stories about their emptier nests (all had girls who had graduated that year with our son). We heard quite a bit about how their daughters were doing and we didn't have much to contribute due to the lack of communication. Fastforward a year and a half and things are much better. We did get used to having our son gone and we did establish a Sunday call night when he's expected to CALL! It's not always on Sunday when he remembers, however it's usually by Monday. Within the past 6 months, our conversations have really become more newsy and casual - like it used to be. One other thing that's worked for us - fortunately, he's less than 2 hours away and so on several occasions, we've made plans with him to invite any friends he'd like out to dinner with us. It's been a win-win - we get to see him, get to know his friends & they get a meal off-campus. Of course, if there's a distance that's much tougher to do. Don't get me wrong - it certainly isn't like it used to be but that's ok - he's happy & doing well so it's tough to complain!</p>
<p>I believe we were a very different from our children in certain respects. I recently re-read the letters and cards I sent my parents during my four years at college. (I did not know my mother had saved them until my father died about 10 years ago; my mom had died before him.) I was very happy to see that almost every letter was a statement of my love and appreciation for them. Also, most of the letters were just "newsy" and, if anything, painted a picture that may have been a bit rosier than things were. I never would have wanted to burdent them with the normal ups and downs. On the other hand, when I did have a serious problem (drug-related) as a freshman, my mom was the one I called, and she was there in two hours. </p>
<p>I wrote fairly regularly, and i think we spoke once a week. Some conversations were short, some longer. The hardest part, I remember, was coming home for visits, as my mother expected that I would spend more time around the house or with her. We had a few significant fights on that issue.</p>
<p>I suspect that my daughter will call primarily to complain (the Starbucks is too far; the weather too cold) but I am hopeful that she will remember to say "I love you" and "thank you for letting me go to this great college."</p>
<p>My 17yoS has been living in China this past year. A friend of mine suggested back in Sept. that I print out all of his emails so I would have a journal of all his adventures. What a laugh! If I printed out all of his emails, they wouldn't fill a half page of paper. Occasional phone calls but Skype with a camera has been great..it's free and I can dial him up when I'm getting breakfast ready and he's home doing his homework. If he wants to talk, fine. If not, it's just like we're in the same room passing the time together.</p>
<p>Wow.</p>
<p>I wish more students would actually take the time to read this. It puts things in perspective, and while we may not call our parents every day to talk for hours and hours, it reminds us that we should keep them updated SOMEHOW and take at least a BIT of time to let them know we're happy and that we love them (if that's the case, of course), or whatever's going on.</p>
<p>After all, they're the ones who RAISED us and are paying the bulk of our college education. It's only fair. Heck, it's probably even too little, but still.</p>
<p>However, parents need to understand the fact that we're growing up, yes, and that we're adjusting to college-life, which is usually SUPER hectic and crazy. So, sorry if we slip. Just give us some time, and nudge us in the right direction if we begin to fall off the saddle. There are many ways to keep in touch, from IMs to text messages to phonecalls to webcam conversations to old-fashioned letters. Whatever. Just communicate somehow, but if they need space, give it to them, at least for a while.</p>
<p>Be happy that your kids are away and having fun, getting good educations. :) Focus on the fact that they're growing up, maturing, and turning (hopefully!) into good citizens. There's no better reward than seeing your little baby grow up into a good person who might one day change the world. I know it's hard because you miss them and all, but don't forget the positive aspects of all this.</p>
<p>That being said, I think I'll definitely try to keep in touch with my family in college, using whatever methods work best.</p>
<p>On another note, UCDAlum82: OH GOD! <em>dies</em> XD</p>