<p>Seeing us weak scares them. If he is half as in touch with his feelings as you are Dad23, he will analyse this and cut you some slack..just not now..probably when you have recovered and don't need it! I think all he wants from you is to be strong again..easier said than done I know.</p>
<p>Dad23 - I feel your pain. Posts of mine on this board over the past year or so document the absolutely horrible time we've had as our only son, only child, finished high school and prepared to begin college. Over the course of freshman year, communications (unless initiated by us) were virtually non-existent. The only time he called was when there was a problem. Visits home were with his then girlfriend; both pretty much ignored us. :O(
Son has had a rough year all the way around, and was relieved when it came to an end...but he really misses the social that, of course, was readily available. My husband and I really looked forward to having him home, knowing we'd have to share him and that he most certainly wouldn't be the exact same young man we remembered. I am, however, really appalled at how angy he is about being home, "dealing" with us, and having to work. All he seems to now do is stay up late, sleep in late, go to work, then isolate himself from us. He has no outward motivation at all, it seems. I am a great mom, very open and supportive of my son, his circumstances, and his need to move forward with his life...always promoted that...always pointed him the direction of his dreams not ours...but I'm sickened by how rotten he is to his father and me. Our kindnesses have been repaid with anger and arrogance. We had so hoped to have some nice time with him, because we have loved him for so long, but I don't see that being at all the case this summer. I'm sure from his angry words, he'd rather see us (or at least me) dead and gone. Quite a difficult pill to swallow, since I've loved him so and really always been there for him through it all. I was prepared for the individuation, but not for the anger and rudeness; even his friends have commented on his treatment of me. :O(</p>
<p>I hope your summer goes better. Maybe fall isn't such a bad thing.</p>
<p>Sage44; is it possible that he is suffering from depression? If he is very changed, it sounds like something is going on. If not, I would put my foot down right away, tough love style. Sometimes kids need a reality check, as in, "I pay the bills, I work very hard, this is my house - and while you are here I expect you to assist in household chores and treat me with respect, and if you cannot, then you need to go find some other place to live!" Being a doormat gives him too much power, which may actually make him angrier and more hostile. I'm sorry about your situation - :(</p>
<p>Sage, yes it seems he is feeling very bad about something--the ex-girlfriend, or something at school, perhaps a combination of things--and you and dad are the only ones with whom he feels safe acting out his feelings. Young men can get quite depressed at the loss of a close girlfriend.</p>
<p>I would recommend you consult a therapist to lay it all out for a neutral, knowledgeable party, then see what (s)he recommends.</p>
<p>This is a great thread. All parents who have a son or daughter going away for the first time to college. Read this.</p>
<p>Just read this too. Our son is about to leave for school. He got into the program he wanted, at one of his top choice schools. Now, he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend, would prefer to stay home, go to a community college, maybe get married. They're both just turned 18. He doesn't think he can go on without her nearby.
Any ideas?
This kid has enormous gifts and this whole plan was HIS idea.</p>
<p>That's a very tough one, mamalot. Not much you can say except to suggest he give the top choice school a try. You can't talk kids out of love but the marriage thing can perhaps be discouraged as impractical. "Enormous gifts" means to me that he will probably be in good shape just about anywhere. One has to smile at an idealistic couple who is over the moon in love, but, but, but . . .
Good luck. My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>Like SuNa said, my heart also goes out to you, mamalot. We as parents try our best to raise these kids hoping and praying that we are able to give them the foundation and the tools to help them make the right decisions and choices in the future. When the time comes we pray that they will make the right ones. </p>
<p>I would ask the help of the GF in convincing him to go. It will be for their future, etc, etc. I hope they both will see it as an opportunity not only for him but for the both of them.
Marriage? At 18? I would really put my foot down on this one. I had the same problem with a niece of mine that got married just a month ago. I tried to explain to her that marriage is not like playing house, but she was very adamant about it . She is 21 years old. She still has a year before she gets her degree. Anyway, in the end her parents went ahead and gave their blessings. The husband is 28 years old. I think that made a little difference.</p>
<p>Good luck to you, and I hope your son sees the light.</p>
<p>mamalot, is this his way of telling you that she's pregnant?</p>
<p>Sage44, I agree with those who say that something's wrong in your son's life.</p>
<p>In my experience, kids who had a rough time dealing with the parents during the last part of high school are usually MORE pleasant when they come home from college because now they have another life, and parent/kid conflicts at home are therefore less important. I think your son is struggling with something and may need some help.</p>
<p>I am bumping this thread to the top again. I can not say enough about how helpful all the posts were, from other parents, who helped us to better understand what was going on with our son. And, even when we did not understand, the posts from others were still helpful in that we realized that we were not alone. To others, who are new to this thread - Please go to the 1st page and read this thread. Read at least the first 2 or 3 pages.</p>
<p>Best wishes to ALL parents and students.</p>
<p>Just curious if any parents are starting to feel what we felt a year ago. </p>
<p>Best Regards to all.</p>
<p>Maybe you've done a good job of parenting. He seems emotional stable and independent. Compare your son to the maladusted kids who can't handle the frosh year of college, and funk out. I would predict he will be much more communicative after finishing college.</p>
<p>Helms, I am sure all of us in the new crop of "freshman parents" are feeling the same things that were posted a year ago. I know I am. In fact, I didn't realize they were from a year ago until just now! But the interesting thing to me is that technology, or the parents' facility with technology seems to have changed a bit in the year. Now many parents I know, including myself, are using text messaging instead of or in addition to IM. For me and my D texting is better than email because she has her phone glued to her 24/7 and when I text her she usually texts right back. Better than calling on the phone because of the privacy, busy, otherwise involved issues that have all been mentioned. Even one word helps feed the need. The other day I texted her to say I mailed her something she needed (she did actually ask for it on the phone!) and she texted back, "Thanks." That was it for the day, but it did the trick! I must admit talking to her only every few days is difficult though. I take heart in the posts about eventually getting used to this. I must say that right now I don't like it very well. But she is so happy and doing really well. That is the most important thing and I know it. There are definitely those kids who are not happy and crying everyday on the phone. I don't think I could stand that. It would hurt way too much... Thanks, everyone.</p>
<p>I agree with franglish about texting. I asked my D to at least acknowledge my texts, which she almost always does. Sometimes it is just"k" for okay, but it puts my mind at rest. It is getting easier to make it through the days without contact--fortunately, there aren't too many. I keep trying to train my husband not to ask too many questions, especially of the "how many hours did you sleep" variety. Who would want to call just to be interrogated like that!</p>
<p>"I keep trying to train my husband not to ask too many questions, especially of the "how many hours did you sleep" variety. "</p>
<p>I learned very quickly to be choosy about the questions I asked. However, it wasn't because I didn't want to annoy son. I didn't want to know the answer! I found myself asking a question, getting and honest answer and then thinking, "Gee, why did I ask that? I wish I didn't know." </p>
<p>"What kind of things do fraternities make the recruits do?"
"Well, sometimes we report to the house at 5 AM for morning workouts."
"Wow, what time do you go to bed at night?"
"Between 1 and 2 AM. Monday night I got about 2 hours sleep"
:eek: Why, why, why did I go there??</p>
<p>i'm getting ready to attack the second year of empty nest. i would like to think that i'm one of those moms who's around for support and encouragement and that i don't ask many questions. i bet my boys would feel differently about that! </p>
<p>i will probably still continue with a good night text....something as simple as xoxox makes the point. i love texting--their privacy is respected, they don't have to let anyone know it's me, and they always have their phones nearby.</p>
<p>i know i'm a lot braver than i was this time last year, but i am really, really dreading saying goodbye again. i just hate it.</p>
<p>Helms, I want to thank you for this thread. I read through it last year as my
DS was a high school senior. I helped me with my expectations and taught me to communicate them to him. Before he left we ageeed that he would call at least once a week. He has, but not a lot more than that. But I can tell he is very happy which is the goal, afterall. And when someone tells me they talk to their freshman child every day, I don't let it get to me as much because I saw from this thread that kids are so different in their needs, communication styles, etc. This thread really helped me to look at it through his eyes, which is hard when you are missing your child so much.</p>
<p>cyber hugs to wbow.</p>
<p>Sometimes when I meet a new mother, she'll ask me about balancing work and parenting. I always say the same thing: "Until you have that baby in your arms, you won't know what you can and cannot do. Some moms simply cannot go back to work and be happy. Some moms can work and raise happy children and be happy. It's an individual thing. Listen to your heart when you get to that threshold and make the decision based on YOU."</p>
<p>From CC I've learned that letting that (18 year old ;) ) baby go is also an individual thing. You won't know how you'll feel until it's a done deal.</p>
<p>Poor wbow. I feel for her even though I don't fully understand her pain because I don't hate to say goodbye. I don't hate to say good bye because number one, I love watching the adventure unfold from afar. But number two, I love, love, love my Empty Nest. It reminds me of my life in my twenties--which I also loved.</p>
<p>Uncommunicative college students are par--anger is not the norm. Hopefully Sage's son calmed down?</p>
<p>Franglish - yes, texting has become more popular than IM. You know, there is even a variation to texting that you have to be careful with. Some wireless companies (we have cingular, that is now att) allow you to email to a wireless phone - and it comes across as a text message. You really have to be short in your message (there is some limit to the length of a message to a cellphone, and not very many students would even WANT to read a long text message to a phone). Add one more cool factor to it, if they "reply" to the text message (that you sent from email), then you will receive it into your email (instead of to your phone) so you can save it. Very cool.</p>
<p>Our son is back at college again - after being home for the summer. He is in an apartment this year. Seems to be doing fine. We still do not hear very often. I received two calls last weekend (both about how to BBQ steaks). :-)</p>
<p>My wife and I, again, want to thank the many people who responded last year. We were SO worried about how he was doing. And the words of support from other parents (who were going through, or who had been through the same situaion, of not hearing from their child) was very helpful. There were numerous nights, when we would read the daily input from parents, and tears would come to our eyes.</p>
<p>cheers, thanks for the kind words!</p>
<p>i would be happy if i could just "like" my empty nest a little bit. i love the adventures that my two boys are on, i just hate the quietness of the house. i can hardly stand to be home when no one is around. i suppose that time will help that. </p>
<p>it's hard for me to be so far away from my son. i really do appreciate all the worries and concerns that parents have when they're so far away from their children. it is always a worry--yet sometimes it's less because we really don't have to know everything!</p>