We miss him, Maybe he doesn't miss us. ?

Parents Forum
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<p>It seems like most folks have probably settled into a routine. Sounds like there are rare instances of parents whose sons and daughters call them frequently - in some cases every day, and even multiple times per day. I am thrilled for you. Then, there are the majority of parents who have undergone some form of "lack of communication". In some cases, you have found IM to work others have found email to work, others have found once/week calls to work. We are still struggling. </p>

<p>In case anyone is interested in on-going saga, here is the most recent update. </p>

<p>We had communicated with him (last week) that we wanted to setup a weekly call, suggested Sunday, and asked if he would call us. By 9pm last night, he had not called, so we called him. My wife was the initial one on the phone, while i waited for my turn. From the get-go, when he heard it was her, he was cold, and distant. It was/is almost as if he is angry. She was pleasant, and asked how he was, and talked briefly. I heard her ask "so what have you been doing" (all i saw was a disappointed look on her face at his reply, she later told me his reply was "nothing"). Then, she talked for another mintue or two. After a few more minutes, she handed me the phone. I said "hi" and he said "hi" back. I said "how's it going?" he said "fine". I said "anything new going on?", he said "no". Silence for a short while. (Prior to the call, I took the advice of what someone had suggested about not just asking questions - even though we are dying inside to know what he has been doing - and i had made a list of things to mention.). I told him about his sister, about his cousin, about a couple fun things i had done this weekend, etc. He actually chuckled when i told him something funny about his cousin. But then he went right back to cold/silence. He obviously wasn't going to share, and i was tired of asking and not getting anything from him. We spoke for another minute, and then told him we would talk to him next Sunday.</p>

<p>What is amazing, is the turnaround, in his attitude.</p>

<p>If he deeply resents us, and was/is angry with us, then i think that we would have sensed his anger before moving into the dorms, and while moving into the dorms, and definitely after we were gone. However, the first week, he called us with enthusiasm. He called us several times the first week. It may have been "where's my jacket?", or "is it ok to do colors and whites in the laundry?", or some information about some school paperwork that he neede d to complete. But in each instance, he was enthusiastic (to the degree than an 18 year old male can be enthusiastic). </p>

<p>But then, after mid-way through the 2nd week, things started drying up. Less calls, and now no calls. He currently is not even answering the couple of emails that we have sent him over the last two weeks. </p>

<p>I will repeat, if he were angry/resentful about us, going to college, whatever, - then i think we would have sensed it all along. What concerns me is the change in attitude, and the worsening of the situation.</p>

<p>I wonder, at times, is he flunking out, and doesnt want to tell us. Initially, after the first 10 days of classes, he said things were easy. Maybe things have caught up with him, and he is behind. My wife asked how his classes are, and he said fine. ( He had a 4.3 in high school, so he is smart and capable of a lot, but you never know).</p>

<p>Also what is most surprising is his coldness to his Mom (my wife). Over the years, I have typically been the one to subject him to the occasional discipline. Grounded occasionally, if he he missed curfew twice in a row, or without good reason. Lack of computer time or TV, (years ago), when homework wasn't completed. (I will concede that i have encouraged him, strongly at times, to get the best possible grades, so that he could be accepted at the college of HIS choosing. Which is what happened). The usual mean parenting. :-) So, if he were to be angry, i would expect it at me. With my wife, they have always been close. They used to sit close on the couch and watch his favorite TV shows, and other fun things. Now, for him to be so cold, is a shock to both my wife and i. </p>

<p>We plan to wait till next Sunday, and hope for his call, and call him if he doesn't call. We hope it is just a "phase" that he is going through.</p>

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<p>Helms2Lee,</p>

<p>At first I thought you were overreacting, but your last post makes me wonder if he is not depressed/lonely. 10 days into the semester is not long enough to be flunking, but he might feel overwhelmed if he is taking hard classes...</p>

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<p>Helms2Lee: I feel so badly for your wife! I was nearly tearing up as I read your post. As the mom of 2 boys, (the freshman & his almost 16 yo brother) I totally understand and can identify with the hurt she felt when her "baby" rejected her. While my phone call with my son yesterday was amazing, as I said in my earlier post this morning, I know that it will be the abberation, not the norm, and I'm sure I will have many more to come similiar to what your wife suffered through. But here's the thing... I have a friend whose daughter began college this year also. And she told me that she really feels she's "done with raising her" -- that her job is over. I mentioned this to my son yesterday (in our marathon 94 minute call), and I told him I disagreed with my friend (he's also friends with the daughter, and knows the family well). I told him, I'm not done with him yet.... I'm still raising him.... and some of the hardest lessons have yet to be taught. I also pointed out that his grandparents probably still feel that way with me, and he'll just have to deal with it. It's part of family dynamics! I know I said it in an earlier post on this thread.... in my family of origin, weekly phone calls just don't cut it. We speak far more often than that. I don't treat my parents/sister that way, and I don't expect him to treat me that way. I don't feel the need to hear minute by minute reports of his activities.... But I do feel that I deserve to still be a part of his life. And so do you & your wife. You both deserve to know if he's making friends, if he's eating well.... how his classes are going, if he's balanced his check book, done laundry, and things like that. I also told my son, and this is part of a running joke between us, since he's been away every summer since he's 10 -- that he can always call me... 24/7... it's never too late, or too early, or an inopportune time. If its an emergency, I'll take his calls, no matter what. If he just wants to chat, I'll take his calls.... if I'm in a meeting, or a movie, once he assures me its not critical, I'll call him back asap. HOWEVER, if I give him that courtesy, I deserve some level ofcourtesy back. I don't expect him to be available to ME 24/7 (that's my mommy perogative -- I'm sure you & your wife would do the same), but I do expect him to be pleasant and share a little with me.
I hope things get better with him.... but I really strongly suggest that your wife tell him that he hurt her feelings. He's not a child anymore, and he can certainly be held responsible for his actions. He's got to understand (and yes, I did tell this to my son as well) that I know this is an exciting new experience for him, but its also a new experience for me. I told him to expect there to be some kind of learning curve for me. And that as he's adjusting to living on his own, and experiencing college, I'm learning how to be the parent to an almost-adult. I explained that after having singular responsibility for him for 18 years, it's impossible to just turn it off on a dime. And that by Junior Year, I'm sure we'll have reached the comfortable compromise. But she really shouldn't be afraid of laying the truth on the line with him. If he wants to be treated as an independent adult, he's ready to understand that moms have feelings, too, and deserve to be thrown a bone once in a while.</p>

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<p>Helms2Lee, I've been thinking about your post all afternoon. It just seems like something isn't right. How far is your S from you? Is there any way you can go there for a visit? Maybe a face to face visit you could discern what is wrong and it really sounds like something is off.</p>

<p>My S called last night and it was not very satisifying. I think that it is hard for someone to talk to his parents about his fears and insecurities when there are people going in and out of the room all the time. He can't talk openly about his roomate when he might come in the room at any time. My S has a cold, he doesn't feel well and he's so busy and tired. He was also trying to do homework (personally, I think that he was IMing) and he doesn't multi task very well. My S also feels that he's not fitting in with his team and he's not sure why. But he thinks it might be because he's in a sub free dorm and the others don't want to invite him. He doesn't know, but thought that joining an athletic team he would find friends but it's not working out that way.</p>

<p>If my S was a girl or at home, I think that he would be able to have a good cry and go on. But guys don't think that they can do that and esp. when the dorm room door is open and the roomate might come in any moment.</p>

<p>But Helms2Lee, I think that something that might need to be addressed is going on and maybe a face to face visit would be the solution.</p>

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<p>you know I think some of this angst is just unavoidable, Moms but we could have avoided some of it if expectations and even a sort of oral contract had been made before we left our S's at school. I think expecting frequent contact in emails and IMs is unrealistic as the kids generally need more of a buffer zone to be mysteriously Parent-less for a while. Be a little invisible between contacts. I have good news though. Parents weekend can be great and all the kids appear to be very comfy introducing and sharing in that context.</p>

<p>Fall break is coming up in many schools. Take the chance to ask your S's what they think is reasonable contact in a non angry manner..they ARE seeing other guys taking parent phone calls more politely and happily after all and their behavior has been rude, suggest what you think is reasonable and make an oral agreement. I was raised in a military family and rudeness to parents was not an option but rudeness in this situation is being used to deflect parental neediness..not that I tolerate rudeness either. And I certainly was guilty of being sarcastic and harsh a few times when my son was a freshman before we hit a groove that worked for us.
Here is one thing in our oral contract with my S..I have said that I may send him newspaper articles or little links to things of interest to him...local sports news etc, but I don't expect any response whatsoever to 75% of these little communications. I instead told him that if Dad and I expect a response, we will say so by email and I expect to hear from him within a day in that case. I reserved my right to send a little newsy bit when it made me happy but he is not expected to talk back to me day to day. He calls when I email a request because I limit our calls to the once a week visit or to some business we have to handle.</p>

<p>Your kids are in disequilibrium right now and you have to look at yourselves and realize your status quo and context for parenting is also destabilized. This may not be your finest hours as parents either! It takes a while to find that next norm. It is not realistic to think that a freshman is going to want to sort out middleaged angst feelings from parents with good grace. That is why you have this thread though! why do you think I am reading it. ha</p>

<p>I do understand that not all families find once a week enough but in my family that gets one sunny, pleasant conversation and ended rude encounters and snippy parental responses. My S did surprise us by calling us to work out a few problems he had later in this freshman year and he was very constructive and mannerly. And we were very gratified by his gracious behavior on breaks and over the summer. However, the one time he took a trip to visit his college friends, we received bare minimum descriptions. The less we pressed, the more he described. He had a hard time wanting to share details of his social life with us. I think it is immature of him to be so protective about details, but in a year or so when he has a stronger sense of his separate self, I think he will share more about his new family of friends. (For instance I am sure there are a ton of digital photos in his laptop of his new friends, but he only showed us about four or five photos the whole year and when I sent one around to my other relations of my S with new pals he was quite irritated. oops.) </p>

<p>My husband was from a Long Island family of recent immigrants and his mother was an only child who wrote her own very fused parents a letter every day. Needless to say there were scenes when he went to college and wanted to write her more like 3 or 4 times a month like eveyone else did. In fact, when I started dating him I noticed a big stack of unopened letters from his mother on his desk. After we married and until this day, she writes us all the time and her needs for contact are never satisfied or met even though my husband talks to them on the phone a few times a month and shares our family with them fairly. Everyone at our college felt sorry for my husband because his mother could not let him go and allow him freedom and things like a week at a time without her in his space. He became a son with very rigid boundaries with that kind of pressure.<br>
ah well, I will sign off by saying, I am really missing my son this semester and wish I knew more about all the fun he is having and personalities he is meeting. Now that I am a very experienced sophomore mother though, I will wait for October break and sit back and listen.</p>

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<p>Helms2lee---I'd hold with the "its a phase" tack for awhile. As hard as this has been, I don't read anything too far off from what I read/hear is happening with many first-years, especially boys. (I follow another parent board and both this topic and the responses reported are quite common.) It is hard to have them go cool and distant but I think it can be just a really clumsy effort to separate, manage one's boundaries and feel independent when you are still more needy than you want to be. You also never know who else is in the room and nearby overhearing a call. My son (an extremely verbal person and good conversationalist) said during a fairly terse call last week that "I'm just not any good at talking on the phone." I did not hoot with laughter or point out that he has no trouble chatting with friends on the phone when home. I just bit my lip and asked if he wanted to talk with his sister. ("No, I think I'll email her, she'd like that better...) I had called him in response to a message he left after I sent an email saying "25 words or less would do." I did notice that he said more when he left a message earlier than when we were actually on the phone. I just think it is a hard passage for them, even when they are doing well and it is our job to let them go and do. Hang in there!!!!</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone on this board for sharing. I wrote my first born a not too nice email last night which I did not send (yet). I am trying really hard not to be bitter, but all I ask for is one email a week or a quick call. When the weekend came and went with no response to my email asking him what kind of homemade cookies (his request) he wanted me to send, I was really ticked. We live in VA and had the prepaid tuition thing but allowed him to go to a WAY more expensiive school because he just loved it and tried to tell him the sacrifices not only us but his three younger siblings would need to make....guess it's just one of those things that they won't understand until it's their kids' turns. I'm really sad right now, but it helps to hear others echoing these same issues. It makes it feel less like a personal affront (which is how I view it) and more like a normal male behavior. So his siblings and I are enjoying his chocolate chip cookies, at least!</p>

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<p>I truly think many of these guys would be hanging their heads if they had ANY idea what is going on in our hearts and minds. They are just self-absorbed in a whole new way and no doubt doubting can they do this all? really? on their own???? I say eat those cookies, have cup of coffee, enjoy the ones still at home. I am reminded of how many of my family, in my parents generation, were on some front far away at this age. Helps me keep it in perspective......(and if our guys were in a fox hole, they'd probably be writing....)</p>

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<p>I couldn’t take it any longer, so I finally called him (today, just after his last class got out).
I was brief. I wanted to make my point and be brief, so I even wrote it down.
I even told him that I wrote it down so that I would be brief. </p>

<p>I told him that I really did not want to bother him but that I was concerned that something was wrong
I told him that I wondered if he did not want to, or know how to tell us.
I told him that it was so bad for me, that I was not sleeping (which is true).<br>
I told him that IF he truly is OK, then I will leave him alone, and give him the space he deserves.
I told him again, that I just needed to know that he was ok, (and is not unhappy, or overly stressed, or angry).</p>

<p>He said he was fine, and that everything is ok.</p>

<p>I told him one more thing.
I told him that our lives are the same since he left (same commute, same meals, same house, same faces, etc.)
I told him that EVERYTHING for HIM has changed (where he sleeps, where he showers, what he eats, where he eats, who is friends are, etc.).
I told him that we (selfishly) just want to share some of it.</p>

<p>He then told me that his dorm floor is awesome, that everyone is tight, that everyone knows everyone, and that they all walk the halls hanging out together.
He said that they even have a special code for their dorm floor.
He did say that the workload gets tough, but that he just buckles down and catches up, and all is ok.
He said that everything is awesome, and that he is happy.</p>

<p>I told him that this is the type of information that we love to hear, and that it makes us happy, because we want him to be happy. I apologized again for bothering him, in the middle of the day. </p>

<p>The call ended on a good note.
We agreed to talk this coming Sunday.</p>

<p>Thanks for being supportive.</p>

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<p>I don't doubt that my son is perfectly confident in his ability to do this on his own. He's got more self-confidence than anyone I've ever met. And I really can't complain, because most of the time he's happy to IM or chat with me. I'm really very lucky that way. </p>

<pre><code> But truly, when he hurts my feelings I tell him so. As I do with his younger brother -- AND their dad!

I just want us all to remember that yes... we have to give our sons their independence.... and we have to encourage them, and be their cheerleaders, and show them how successful they are.... especially now that they're living away from home. BUT... since most of the posts on this board have been about mothers & sons.... I'm going out on a limb here....
</code></pre>

<p>We also need to show them the proper way to reac to women. Starting with us! And the way to read a woman's feelings. And to be sensitive to those feelings. Men don't "feel" the same way we do... or the same way their future girl friends, wives, (oh, help us... mothers in law) and some day, daughters will "feel" things. I think this is one of the biggest things we need to teach them now -- to be sensitive to the unique way women look at the world. We'll be doing them a huge favor in the long run.</p>

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<p>Helms2Lee, sounds like a good phone call. Lets hope that next Sunday will be a better conversation.</p>

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<p>That's great news! I'm glad you were up front with him.... and he responded. Did you happen to mention that his mom needs a little extra TLC? and a special phone call to her would be a nice move?</p>

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<p>Yes, i agree with your hopes - though I am not expecting a complete reversal. I would be setting myself up for a huge letdown, if i expected him to suddenlly be nice and warm every call.</p>

<p>For me, i truly did think that something was seriously wrong because his actions and attitude were so foreign. </p>

<p>During the call today, I could tell by his words, and more importantly, the tone of his voice, the excitement, that he truly was/is OK. This call will last me a while. I think that i could even go a few weeks without a call, just knowing that he knows everyone on his floor, and that he said that they are tight, and that things are awesome. He even addressed the schoolwork (which considering the 47k per year, is part of why he is there). He even conceded that it gets tough and that he is able to recognize it, and buckle down and do the work. I am so happy. I just wanted and needed to know that he is happy and doing well. Isn't that what we all want for our kids (that they are happy AND doing well). </p>

<p>For those of you who may be reading this thread, and thinking that your S or D is different, I was there too. I truly did not think anyone's story quite fit our situation. Though it was very helpful to hear everyone's perspective, i still felt that we were experiencing something different. Well, if our son could be so -what seemed like- cold to us, and yet for him to truly be doing ok, then there is hope for all of your sons and daughters.</p>

<p>What an awesome website this CC is. Truly helpful. Those of you who read and post replies are awesome.</p>

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<p>Our son, a one-and -only, went off to his dream school. In the first week, there was moderately frequent contact, mostly concerning logistics. Then......nothing. </p>

<p>I sent e-mails: upbeat how-are-things, this-is-what-we're-up-to emails. Nothing. Sent shorter e-mails with specific questions. Received one-word replies. E-mailed specifically requesting a call and suggesting a time. </p>

<p>He agreed, apologized for not calling, saying he's really busy (we know that's true.). In the interim there was one more short, logistics call. Day and time for scheduled call came and went. E-mail to son saying, "We were disappointed you didn't all. We were looking forward to it." He wrote back to the effect that he thought the logistics call took care of it all and that he's really busy.</p>

<p>So. I checked the minutes used on his cell phone. </p>

<p>Wrote a reply acknowledging that he was very busy (classes alone are 3 lab courses and a writing class), but pointing out that he had found time to use...get this...728 cell-phone minutes that month (most were free), and that perhaps he could make time to give us 10 minutes a week!</p>

<p>Reply: "728 minutes? Really?"</p>

<p>We're hearing from him pretty regularly now. I do remind him as the weekend rolls around, and it's working out fine.</p>

<p>Would I prefer that he spontaneously phone with all sorts of chatty information on a more frequent basis? Of course. But I think that this is as good as it's going to get, and I'm at peace with it.</p>

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<p>Helms2Lee, I am so glad to hear that you finally heard what you have been longing to hear from your son- "that he is happy". I remember when my older son was a freshman and we missed him a lot, that I used to get teary eyed whenever I passed by his bedroom (empty and so clean and neat!) He called once a week but when it really got hectic, may once in ten days or so. I felt I needed to know more of what was going on at his school so I subscribed to the email edition of their student publication which is published three times a week. Once in a while I would peek into their university webcam, just to see what the weather is like there. My younger son (he is now a HS senior) saw me doing this once, and he told me to get a life, LOL. </p>

<p>nymom, I have two sons, too. Both of them are not that chatty. They are very close to me and my husband, but they are just not very talkative like their mom is. Must have gotten it from their dad! My younger one saw how much I missed his older brother when he left for college and how I wish he called more often, and he promised to call me when he goes to college himself. He was at UCLA for a couple of weeks this summer for NYLF and guess what? He called twice.</p>

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<p>FilAm_mom - your post made me laugh out loud. The part about him telling you to "get a life". Aren't kids funny.</p>

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<p>To all those parents who have son's, I suggest that you have them call on their way to or from class, assuming of course that they have a cell phone. There is something in the wiring of boys, at it applies to our son too, which allow them to be far more communicative when they are active vs lying idly on their bed. </p>

<p>I saw a TV doc where a young boy was having trouble expressing his feeling to a psychologist about his parents divorce. The solution was to take him to a nearby dock and begin fishing. Almost immediately the boy began telling the psychologist about his fears, confusions, etc.. It was truely amazing to watch.</p>

<p>So parents, get those boys to call while on the run. Most of our son's calls are of this nature.</p>

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<p>Quote: "So parents, get those boys to call while on the run. Most of our son's calls are of this nature."</p>

<p>Ours too. I think that it's a way of using time efficiently, and maybe also of having a way to make the conversation have a distinct time constraint ("oh, I'm at the Burrito place now...gotta go"). </p>

<p>When our son went off the first year, we had a double whammy of separation: the usual need for more independence, and the first serious girl friend!</p>

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<p>originaloog, you are sooooo right. Our son calls when he is walking home from mass, on his way to a meeting, on his way from class, on his way to a study group, etc. Needless to say it does not make for a long enough conversation.</p>

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<p>also, it's a way to make the call seem like not such a big deal!</p>