<p>Thank you, mmaah. Very eloquent and insightful. I would like to share it with a few friends who are also missing their college freshman sons.</p>
<p>yes...good post mmaah, you are making a very relevant point about what is also referred to as a phase of Identity Diffusion that is perfectly normal and cyclical, and extended in this long late adolescence time of life. I guess Integration is the goal but we can't kid ourselves..that is going to take some time and our kids have a lot of living to do to get more clear about who they are and how they want to live their lives. In fact, lately I have been entering an episode of Identity Diffusion..it is confusing to have launched a kid and to have to regroup. Some of the best times in life some of the best friendships are forged and some of the best doors open when you are unsure and not certain about who you are and where you are headed exactly. I hope I can allow my S to enjoy this time in his life and can convey to him that we are never disappointed if he feels unsure of his direction or abilities at times.</p>
<p>I was soooo sad when we dropped off my S at school, and, for a few weeks after, I wasn't myself and I missed him terribly. Now I find that when he calls he seems happy, he is doing well on tests so far, he is getting involved in "ultimate frisbee" and student union planning activities, along with attending sporting events...he is having a jolly good time. Once I realized he was OK, I started enjoying my new found freedom also. He is the oldest of 3 and, since the day I had my third, I have felt overwhelmed at times with all of their activities, etc. Second son just got his driver's license so mama has more time to herself...I am starting to have time for some of my interests and am having fun doing fun stuff and enjoying the fact that the college decision was a good one. Second S is a junior this year so I plan to enjoy myself now before the college process gets into full swing again!</p>
<p>SuNa, share widely and wildly, we all need each other in this passage of our own.<br>
I was just saying to my good friend (who is contending with a cranky stressed senior daughter who will be her last to leave home) that this is such a parellel to when they arrived. Everyone has to fall apart some when a new baby arrives so that everyone can come together again as a family. I think we have to do the same process on different levels now--sort of come unglued so we can re-connect. Even though I generally feel "fine" most of the time in this passage, I have been doing the goofiest things at work. And it is not dementia--it is more like midlife post-partum....</p>
<p>mmaah... you are so right. I am very aware of this becuase it is my younger child who is just starting college and so distant this time around --my son was the same way 5 years ago, but now he is at college a 2nd time around, at a new school... and he finds time to call, and call, and call. There are the "excuse" calls, in which he finds a need for me to answer important questions, like getting driving directions or giving an opinion on whether it would be safe for him to eat the spinach he bought at the farmer's market. At other times, he calls just to chat and tells me all about his job and classes. (Nothing about people though -- no mention of his roommate or anyone else).</p>
<p>As to my daughter, who has always been very talkative and open with me ... well, we get buy on short emails and text messages for the most part. But last night, out of the blue, my d. texted me: "I love my mommy!" That is definitely a daughter-only thing... and somehow made the text-thing seem ok. So it definitely is an age/phase thing: after 3 years out of school, and with a part-time job along the same lines as his other work, my son knows who he is and where he stands. D. is just starting to explore.</p>
<p>It was hard to be sad when we took our D, the oldest, to college on Aug 12; she was so excited and happy - not her normal self! After freshman orientation week she emailed a detailed 'report' to her friends and family. Everything hadn't gone great, but she was still gung-ho. She came home for Labor Day all bubbly and we had a wonderful time. </p>
<p>But since then, the honeymoon has ended. I'm pretty sure she's not having academic or social issues that need to be addressed by her parents; she's just back down to earth. I asked her recently to call or email weekly. She wasn't thrilled with that idea, but I hate to see us setting a precedent of non-communication for the rest of our lives. </p>
<p>I loved what nymom2sone said about 'throwing their mother a bone'. That's how I feel; I want her to have her independence, but it wouldn't kill her to throw me a bone once in a while!</p>
<p>
[quote]
but I hate to see us setting a precedent of non-communication for the rest of our lives.
[/quote]
In my experience, it doesn't happen that way. Rather, the period of non-communication is followed later on by an increased level of communication that is appropriate for the new roles that each of you take in each other's life. It is just the transitional period that is somewhat awkward and difficult.</p>
<p>Wow... I was off the board for a day... and so much happened! I hope everyone's had some good calls with their kids.... as for me... yesterday I could have been accused of "cell & cyber stalking" .... I was afraid S hadn't handled something well... and rather than dwell on it, he just went on with his life. I obsessed. He called me around midnight, hanging out with a friend (a giggly female friend)... and put my mind at ease. I guess I have to remember that he's far more competent than I think he is.</p>
<p>This morning he called me to tell me he screwed up are family itunes account... and what steps I'd have to take to fix it... I directed him to call his younger brother after school. </p>
<p>But he said something to the effect that I have to learn to trust him, that he understands this is a new experience for me, and he knows there's this learning curve for me. He said he'll be very patient with me while I adjust to him being an adult.</p>
<p>Gee.... lets all look back on my posts from this weekend.... Nothing like having your own words thrown back at you by an 18 year old!</p>
<p>Does anyone else remember the adjustment to college being so hard for us? For our parents? I know I was miserable my 1st semester. But truly, I don't remember my parents being all broken up about it.</p>
<p>If they were, I know my parents would never have let on!</p>
<p>Maybe I'm older than the average parent on these boards, but my parents never admitted that they were wrong or that they had a single weakness....to be a parent was, I guess, to be omnipotent and infallible.</p>
<p>Words that do not describe me!</p>
<p>I do find I have a new and profound level of empathy for my mother and dad at this transition(and it is now too late to tell them in person what I now know...)</p>
<p>They were stoic but my mother would occasionally make these poignant appeals(in retrospect I"d call them that; I probably thought them weird or pitiful at 18) for more letters. I communicated minimally and only now do I TRULY appreciate how little they really needed or wanted...Small details bring joy.</p>
<p>Ah, the cycle of life....(Can't even remember those Lion King lyrics anymore either--after the 400 versions I heard in the car and swearing I'd never get it out of my head...)</p>
<p>mmaah - My father passed away 10 years ago. Too late for him, but then we were not very close. My mom, on the otherhand. She has been a sweatheart for all these years. She is now 88. (yes, i am the youngest, and she had me at a VERY old age, don't i wish. ok, i'm older than i look. :-) Anway, i have probably called her more in the past month, than i have in the past year. Embarrassing to admit, but true. Again, the good news with my S, we (my wife and I) are in much better communication (since my call to him a few days ago). Yes, the cycle of life.</p>
<p>mmaah - My father passed away 10 years ago. Too late for him, but then we were not very close, as it was anyway. My mom. She has been a sweatheart for all these years. She is now 88. (yes, i am the youngest, and she had me at a very old age, don't i wish. ok, i'm older than i look. :-) Anway, i have probably called her more in the past month, than i have in the past year. Embarrassing to admit, but true. Again, the good news with my S, we (my wife and I) are in much better communication (since my call to him a few days ago). Yes, the cycle of life.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Does anyone else remember the adjustment to college being so hard for us? For our parents?
[/quote]
Naw, I was so busy with my new life and friends that I didn't think about my parents. ;)</p>
<p>I believe my mom had a tough time because she had 4 of the 7 of us who went away all about the same time after having lived in HI at home at all prior times. Dad was pretty private, so hard to know how he was taking it. Do know that folks did come & visit us when we were in colleges & grad schools. I think my mom had an especially tough time when I left because I had helped cook dinner & tutor my sibblings. The folks NEVER told us they missed us or that they had any problems with us being away & never asked us to write or call more often.</p>
<p>Calmom, I know what you mean about it being a phase, and I'm sure that's mostly true. But our family, who is scattered across the country, is of a non-communicative nature, and I hope to discourage that with my kids. </p>
<p>
[quote]
my parents never admitted that they were wrong or that they had a single weakness....to be a parent was, I guess, to be omnipotent and infallible.
[/quote]
Same here; so true. Sure can't say the same for moi.</p>
<p>I think we could all manage this angst better if we viewed it as another Parenting Bar and Challenge..that we don't want to screw up. I don't want to be the parent that everyone remembers was a huge pain and unable to address her own needs! After all, we have fantabulous children, right, and we did the nursery, toddler, elementary, sports, arts, and high school and college search years with them so very well. We were fantabulous parents. So I am going to start to frame this separating work as something I want to Do Well, even when feeling bereft and a bit disoriented. (My S is clearly extremely happy at Duke with a wonderful circle of friends, an artistic outlet, lots of school spirit for sports, totally in awe and enraptured by his teachers..last year there was mono and a few glitches, but he has a new level of independence that is probably what you want to see in an almost 20 year old man. We are not needed in the old ways anymore and feeling our way to a new status quo and it is harder on his parents than on him.) I think all families should set up some kind of agreement about what the minimum conversation and contact is to keep everyone connected. </p>
<p>Here are the people I don't wanna be from the Pantheon of Parents I observed at my undegrad school: I had a boyfriend whose mother wrote daily and could not keep her need to be intrusive in check, and so he finally just stacked the letters on his desk unopened..of course his little brother told her they were unopened a year or so later and then there was a real huge drama queen scene. I had a best friend whose parents would literally weep on the phone because they missed her so much so she would HAVE to catch a ride to appease them on weekends when everyone else stayed at school way too often, I had a friend whose little sister became clinically depressed when she left home because she had done a lot of the raising of her, and so the parents allowed her to be guilt tripped about this all the time instead of stepping up to replacing her themselves, I had a friend whose parents were divorcing and the mother called her every single morning before breakfast with the latests moronic details that were inappropriate for her to be burdened with, I had a friend whose parents had never been to college and the mother was extremely caustic and jealous of the new friends she made and felt she has "been replaced" and was now "too good for them." And that was just my freshman hall. I suppose I could do another post on the parents of my classmates I came to love and admire and consider to be part of the fabric of my young adult life..and that is the kind of parent I want to be.
I probably count at least five other sets of college parents as permanent fixtures in my life..it is hard to see this when they are freshmen, but their peers will morph into a handful of great friendships, and some of the parents of my classmates employed me, mentored me, served as references and encouraged me in awkward passages, fed and clothed me and later shared big events like weddings and raising children with us. So what feels like loss right now will eventually also be gain for all our families as our children expand their circles...there are new people out there who are going to really matter to your S or D, and in some cases, a new friend will also bring a new set of adults who care about them, too.</p>
<p>Absolutely spot on, Faline!!!</p>
<p>I posted this on another thread, and it seemed to strike a chord with other parents of new freshman, so I'll post it here, too: </p>
<p>In a conversation the night before we drove our s (only child) to school, I told him that after "tomorrow'" nothing would ever be the same for either of us. I told him that I loved him, and that we would always be there for him Then, I told him---and this was the important part---that I had loved being his mother.</p>
<p>And, on the 14-hour drive to his new home, I reflected on that. I have loved being his mother. And I felt so grateful for the 18 years we have had together that there was not room for the grief that I had been feeling. He was going off to something wonderful, something that we wanted for him. The grief would have been for MY loss, and the gratitude I was feeling didn't leave room for that kind of grief.</p>
<p>I miss him. Very much. But this is a good transition....when we do our jobs as parents, we're supposed to "lose."</p>
<p>I'm not the confessional sort, but if this perspective helps anyone else, I would be pleased.</p>
<p>Faline, I loved your post about entering an era of confusion as 40-something, 50-somethings at the end of life's big chore (raising children). Well said.</p>
<p>Helms, I was the oldest of six children when I left for college. I 'pretended' to be homesick because I knew my parents needed that but, in truth, I was happier at university than I had been in years and years. I needed that freedom to become the person I am. My parents' understanding of me was wrong. My family and my hometown underestimated me by a Manhattan mile.</p>
<p>My journey to intellectual independence and professional growth was a typical American journey, however. If your family is from another culture, letting your son take that 'American' journey will be harder. You might need the support of other new Americans.</p>
<p>Also, I might ask, is your son an introvert? Introverts aren't natural communicators--paritcularily when it comes to their innermost thoughts.</p>
<p>When I sent my son off, I did so knowing he wouldn't miss us as much as we missed him. In the end, children do not love their parents as much as their parents love them. That is the quirk in the design. The beings you love most love you less and less as they grow into adulthood. I adore my parents but I don't love my parents near as much as I love my husband, my children--or even some of my friends. Do you? I don't think I have ever loved anyone as deeply as I loved my children when they were small. I don't expect to see that kind of overwhelming love again and I feel blessed to have had it at all.</p>
<p>My advice would be to heal yourself. These are the hard realities we must face as our days as parents come to an end. Don't ask your son to mind over your emotions at this critical juncture in his life. Don't guilt-trip him (tears) into pretending to miss you. Give him space. He will talk to you. You will have to treasure those conversations when they arrive.</p>
<p>In the meantime, rather than weep over what is lost, turn around and enjoy the three children still at home. My youngest leaves home in three months. My husband would trade places with you in a hot minute. He would give anything to have three more at home. Lucky, lucky you.</p>
<p>Cheers, I could not agree with you more.</p>