<p>We spoke with our son today. It was nice to hear from him. Wish it was more often. :-)</p>
<p>
[quote]
And, on the 14-hour drive to his new home, I reflected on that. I have loved being his mother. And I felt so grateful for the 18 years we have had together that there was not room for the grief that I had been feeling. He was going off to something wonderful, something that we wanted for him. The grief would have been for MY loss, and the gratitude I was feeling didn't leave room for that kind of grief.</p>
<p>I miss him. Very much. But this is a good transition....when we do our jobs as parents, we're supposed to "lose."</p>
<p>I'm not the confessional sort, but if this perspective helps anyone else, I would be pleased.
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</p>
<p>That was lovely and I feel the same way. And I'll go beyond that and insert a bit of a hard-hearted note too. Once they have left, it is time for them to leave. It is really not good for them to hang on and not let go. Think of the threads where parents have spoken of the awkwardness and frustration that comes when the children come back home because of a lack of direction, no job, no grad school in sight. This "missing them" is healthy all the way around and their ability to separate from us and sometimes not communicate with us is healthy too. And I agree with Cheers too.</p>
<p>I have to confess that at the moment, I am ready for one junior bird to leave the nest and go back to college...</p>
<p>A friend of mine told me a while back that when the kids leave for college, that they really don't come back. I thought she meant that after graduation from college they find a job and get a place of their own and don't come home. Now that I have a S in college I understand. THey just don't come back! Summer his freshman year he came home for a week, attended some graduation parties for his younger friends and to pick up his car, since he needed it to get to his school for a research job he had for the summer. (He lived off campus for the summers). Last summer he was home for a four days to get ready for the ISLP program in Australia. He flew in from there to his school because he had to do research the next day. I just look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks because those are the longest time he spends home with us. I miss him terribly but I know he is doing this for himself and I just thank God my dear S is doing great.</p>
<p>i would have taken that to mean that when a kid leaves for college they don't come back a kid.. rather than don't come back.. but that's just me.</p>
<p>That's a good point, fender. I would like to think of it that way also.</p>
<p>It is working. Thanks to the many who have offered their suggestions. </p>
<p>We had our weekly call last night with our son. (The idea of a weekly call, somewhat scheduled, with the understanding that it could last for more than 1 or 2 minutes, was a good idea). </p>
<p>After initial "hello" "how are you" - i went to my list. (A few people suggested that we should have some things prepared to talk about, rather than just asking him questions). I had about 4 or 5 things. Something about his sister. Some recreational activity that i have been pursuing. Some news about a sports team that we both follow, and the fact that we are going to put carpeting in 2 rooms. He responded along the way. Laughing at one thing, adding coments to another thing. He even joked "so what is this, i go away to college and you guys decide to get a life". We both cracked up. I then asked him (because i have been dying to know) what a typical day was like (including breakfast, lunch, dinner, what eaten, where, etc.). He took the handoff, and for the next several minutes took me through a typical day. It was great. We chatted about some other misc things. He even volunteered that "Hookah Bars" are the latest rage in colleges. I had never heard of it, so i wrote it down, and have since done some research on it. </p>
<p>We finished with some quick talk about upcoming Holidays, and then signed off. Thanks again for the helpful suggestions from the many who have offered. To repeat, the once/week call with duration, and having a list of things to talk about, have both really helped.</p>
<p>Helms2lee,</p>
<p>Hurrah!!!!!</p>
<p>I have been following this thread since your original post and almost cried last week after your Sunday call went so badly! I'm so glad that it has gone better since then!! So many of us who read these boards were cheering for you! Did your wife also have a good conversation with your son yesterday?? My son is also a college freshman who made his first visit home this weekend after 5 weeks. It was so good to have him home, but sad again after he left. This is just an awkward and unsettled time of transition for all of us parents sending kids off to college for the first time, but the support from others on this board helps a lot. Wishing the best to you!</p>
<p>sdg13 - Thanks for the personal note of encouragement. Yes, my wife also spoke with our son. They also had a good talk. She is feeling much much better. </p>
<p>We had no idea that the first month was going to go the way that it has. I think part of 'our' problem is that we have been "very watchful/aware parents" over the years. So, in addition to the complete break that occurs when they go away to college, and the somewhat normal lack of communication, we have also dealt with being "out of the loop". He did very well in high school, and we were confident that he would do well in college. But our confidence level must not have been as high as we thought (for us to have had some of the concerns that we have had). </p>
<p>Turns out he IS doing well. But, due to our parenting style, we (for our sake) needed to hear that he is doing well. I think that there may be some coorelation to different parenting styles, and the effects that the normal lack of communication can have on the parents. (just an observation, and a hunch).</p>
<p>Helms2Lee, I'm really glad to hear that that the weekly phone call has worked for you. I think my parenting style is very similar to yours... I've been on top of things with my son, talking to him, working with him on stuff. In many ways, his LD forced us to partner in his education, both in an advocacy sense, and with me as his chief proofreader. We have many common interests, watch tv together... both volunteered in his HS, sat on committees together, etc. But I really don't think the weekly schedule would work for us. At least not for me. In a way, I envy your restraint. I watch him sign on & off AIM, and have to reign myself in from IMing him all the time. I try not to call him just to chat... HOWEVER, AND THIS IS A HUGE CAVAET....I want us both to feel comfortable enough that we can make a spontaneous phone call.... or an IM ....
I was watching our town school board meeting on tv Saturday night at 11 PM (yes, my life is pathetic) and the Superintendent acknowledged my son for something he'd been lobbying for for the past 4 years, which has finally come to fruition now that he's graduated. I didn't even think twice before calling him. It was just a reflex reaction... the call lasted less than 90 seconds... as I quickly told him what I'd just seen, and before he knew it, he was back to his friends. I really value that we have that comfort level His brother called him last night for help with an AP History assignment, and he talked him through the social & political reformation of Martin Luther (again, how pathetic?).
Then again, maybe our pattern is less the norm.<br>
And, again, I envy your restraint. Not only have you raised an independent son (which I do believe I have done as well), you and your wife have evolved into independent parents.
My dad accused me of helicoptering. Its funny... I see it as us having a good relationship... he saw it as helicopter parenting. Its all in the perspective.
Your post didn't mention how your wife's conversation with your son went. Can you update?
Best to all of you!</p>
<p>nymom2sons - Thanks for the comments. </p>
<p>Yes, my wife spoke with him, i will address that in a minute. </p>
<p>First, about the restraint, you make me smile. Realize this, it has not been my choice. :-) Early on, I preferred to have more frequent talks. However, the tempo and the tone of our earliest conversations (iniitiaed by us) was not going well. (as my creation of this thread indicated). The weekly calls came about - after my "hearing" what others on this thread were trying to suggest to us. Put it this way, it almost could not have gotten much worse. (and thankfully, it has greatly improved). Also, in terms of the restraint, I am surprised also, that I am as OK with it, as I am. </p>
<p>As for the conversation with my wife and my son (it is a bit comical, but i will share a few details). This past Saturday, she checked her cellphone and noticed that she had a "missed call". It was from our son. She called him, and no answer. She thought it must have been important, for him to have initiated, so she tried twice more within 5 minutes, and finally just left a message. Turns out the "missed call" was not from our son. However, while he was in a certain room where he chooses not to take phone calls, his phone rang 3 times. When he finally got back to his dorm room, he checked the missed calls, realized it was his mom, and called her. His first words were something like: "imagine getting 3 calls while you are busy, and then when you check your missed calls, you find out it is your mom instead of one of your friends". My wife took the comment in the humorous way that it was intended. My wife and son continued the call for about 10-15 minutes. They discussed various lighthearted subjects. including the goofy TV shows that they used to watch together. She enjoyed the talk and is feeling much much better about things. Like me, she would prefer to talk more often, but we are OK with the weekly for now. </p>
<p>As for IM, we offered the suggestion, and he declined. He said that he does not use IM at this time. His interactions are almost entirely in person, at school. And with former high school friends, i think that they use Facebook (which we have no access to).</p>
<p>One more note. In terms of spying or monitoring, i will tell one quick story of our monitoring. We are co-owner (or co-signers) on his College Credit Union Account. So, the other day, i went online and looked at the Account Balance, just to be sure that he has enough to last through the semester. To my surprise, i found an expense item at the Library (located adjacent to his dorm). You're thinking "ok, no big deal" or "good, he is making use of the library". Does your opinion on things change, when you see that the charge occurred at 3:30am? (My wife said, don't look at the account balance again, or you're going to drive yourself crazy). I remember a few all-nighters when i went to college, but to see my son doing one .. well, let's just say it brought mixed emotions. The things that you don't want to know. :-)</p>
<p>Helms... I too, have access to my son's campus debit card.... and I check his balance/usage frequently... mostly because his school doesn't have a meal plan, and I'm curious to see how much he's spending on food, and where he's eating (ie is it all Wendy's, or an occasional salad bar? as we've been known to have weighty issues in our family). But he did have a library charge once, he'd told me about it too..... the library has a DVD vending machine -- he'd rented a movie! And a 3:30 charge doesn't necessarily mean that's when he was there, it could just mean that's when it was posted. Glad your wife had a good conversation with him!</p>
<p>After reading this thread, it brought back many similar emotions and concerns we had with our daughter while she was away at college. It's great to know that many families face the same sorts of issues with their college kids. Our daughter hardly called us, and we had to initiate all the calls and most times we had to leave messages.
Now, six years later, she is working and living on the opposite coast and we have the same situation; we still make most of the calls. Communication wise, not much has changed.</p>
<p>I think this is personality related, and not a gender differece, at least in our family. Our son, who went 3000 miles away for college, called every other day, if not every day, usually to kill time while walking between classes; very brief calls though at least we knew he was OK and alive and more importantly, that he was at least thinking of us. To this day, after having graduated from college and now working, he still calls us most days just to check in.</p>
<p>Well, my S & his dad just had a short chat. They touched on so many of the subjects that have been briefly mentioned in our numerous e-mails & IMs. It was a nice chat but he hung up & went to bed before he said a word to me. :( Oh well, I'm glad he & his dad had a chance to chat, but am slightly miffed that he hung up before saying at least, "Hi!" to me. Hmmm, guess it will be a while before I pack & send his care package--will wait until I have a nice chat before I send it.</p>
<p>Our four S continually suprise us. Two are out of state, one is in our city and one is upstate. We never discussed "touch base with Mom so she does not think something is wrong and I might be starving or ill or whatever else she might worry about" the list is long with possibilities. What sensitive soul's they are. Two call at least once a week. One calls everyday and one calls several times a week. All unprompted by Mom or Dad. They are aware that Mom has returned to College. This has sort of created another way we relate to each other. I knew they were smart, but tutoring old Mom or proof reading an essay has been a hoot for us. We also are doing the competition thing for example which member in the family will pass this PHIL class or ECON class with an "A" ? Such fun. One of them recently purchased a new laptop that has a camera on the screen. So if we are IMing each other a live shot of him appears on my screen! The first thing he did was take me on a "virtual tour" of his fridge and pantry. This way I could see he had plenty of food. It was just great. I know if I did not hear from one of them for over a week they KNOW I would be melting down. Have not had that problem yet. We do not email each other. I send them care packages at least once a month and supplement with silly cards or notes from home. And if an envelope arrives with cash in it the parents definately get a call.</p>
<p>Maybe this is how some of our kids think?</p>
<p>Somehow, it reminded me of my S.</p>
<p>Just wanted to add a quikc update - for those who have followed this. Our son called two nights ago at 11:30pm. I was asleep, so it was my wife who enjoyed the call. Apparently, my son went on for 30 minutes. Go figure. </p>
<p>He was just assigned his research job, and had met the the Prof that he will be working with. (Part of his "package" that made it easier for us to to say Yes to this university - due to the cost- was a job in their research labs. Normally, the jobs go to Grad students, and upper class students, but they reserve a few for incoming freshman). Anyway, he met with the guy he will be working with, programming some software to control some optical interfaces to robotics equipment. Since I was not on the call, i did not get the details first hand. It sounds pretty exciting, and state-of-the-art. We are thrilled for him, and best of all, he is thrilled. </p>
<p>The call at 11:30pm was a surprise, and my wife, initially thought maybe there was a problem. She said that after about 30 seconds of listening to my son go on an on (very uncharacteristic of him), and after hearing the excitement in his voice, that she realized that he was/is fine. </p>
<p>Amazing how 2-3 weeks going by, can really make a difference. </p>
<p>Again, WE REALLY APPRECIATE the many suggestions that so many have offered. They truly were helpful, during a very difficult time.</p>
<p>HImom - </p>
<p>Whoever writes Zits definitely has a teenage son. Mine is 16 and it is like he and Zits are clones. It always makes my day reading that strip!</p>
<p>oops - Jeremy. I forget that the kid's name is Jeremy.</p>
<p>It really is a big unknown territory deal to find a new way to stay a part of a college student's life as parents. I also got a handful of surprisingly chatty and informative after 11 pm phone calls last year. Spouse is early to bed type and so I realized that it was me my S wanted to speak with and every single person on his hall appeared to be up till 2am anyhow and S knew I was also a night owl.<br>
My S would not say, "Hi Mom", either. He would call me by my first name in a sort of tongue in cheek way. It was a little bit endearing but basically also his not subtle way of admitting he was uncomfortable calling up Mom, and not certain how to establish new boundaries with me. On these calls, I learned to be quiet and just find out what was on his mind. In many cases, he expressed joy in the classroom, admiration for his peers and the occasional insecurity/worry or little triumph. The calls were generally descriptive in nature and my advice was not really sought or desired. He did however, want to be understood and not judged. I am moving a bit more to treating him like I would a dear friend on a lunch date..offering sympathetic oohs and aahs and praise but little of What I Would Dos. By the way, I screw up and send What I Would Do emails now and then. But we are in a transition and allowed to make mistakes.<br>
Glad you are enjoying descriptive calls from your freshman now..if we give them a little space, I think they do enjoy filling us in.</p>
<p>My son sends all of his emails to me. Kinda surprising really because I am much more of a "Why-Don't-Cha" person than his saintly father. He is close to both of us.</p>
<p>Glad to hear things are going more smoothly Helms. It sounds like your wife had a very special call. The job should give you a chance to email him about the details of his work.</p>
<p>And Helms, be happy and be careful what you complain about--lest the next time the Library charge turns into a Liqour store charge for beer or a Pharmacy store charge for condoms ;)</p>