<p>My d who is also a freshman has been very short with me on the phone and not very nice. I thought why put myself through this agony?? I decided that if she had anything that pressing that she needed to speak to me about, since my calling her seemed to irritate her, then she'd pick up the phone and call me. Sure enough I got a phone call last night AND today! She is sick and just didn't feel well, guess maybe she just needed to hear me tell her to rest and drink plenty of fluids, but it made me feel needed. I think the best thing is to let them call you, as I found out the hard way. Also she had me blocked while she was in high school, I asked her now that you are going to college would you please unblock me? I also realized that she should im me when "she" wants to and I am better off giving her the space. Tough lessons! I wonder now if I was this hard on my parents( of course without the technology of what these kids have now!)</p>
<p>While I was running this morning at Stanford, I saw a group of students walking to Palo Alto together for brunch (I assume). One was tied up talking on her cell phone, while her friends would walk ahead, gather together and look back at her and wait, then she would start to catch up and fall behind again. I had a sudden thought that the poor girl might have been called by a parent and was trying to be polite while wanting to be with her friends and going to breakfast! Just a thought.....</p>
<p>helms - I IMed with my parents during college, and occasionally my mom would sign online at 8 AM to check her e-mail (or so she said) and see that i had only been away for 4-5 hours and every single time I'd get messages -where were you at 3 am???, why have you only been away for 3 hours??? etc. I quickly set my IM up not to report away and idle times. I told her to make it easier on herself by not using her computer until AFTER coming home from work rather than BEFORE going there :)</p>
<p>oh, my yes!!! we have to keep to ourselves any "intelligence" we gather by way of "away" and "idle" messages!!! Ditto with off-hand remarks from friends still at home. It appears that the newly independent freshman (at least ours) can become defensive if any suspicion of "spying" surfaces!</p>
<p>I have not read through these posts, but Helms2Lee, I just wanted to say that I am glad that you received that call! It is good to know that your son is fine, and in fact sounded very gratified and excited about his new job-wonderful!</p>
<p>it just annoyed me because i was / still am very honest with what i'm doing. if i was going to a party, they'd know i was going to a party. if i was having people over, they'd know i was having people over. no need to question every move made. i was actually still on a cell phone family plan with them up until about a month ago, and the other month i got grilled on phone calls that i recieved at 3 am and text messages i appeared to have sent from work (during my breaks). So I proceeded to leave the family plan and get my own.. even though i'm paying 15 bucks a month more. 15 bucks is no big deal when it means buying some privacy!</p>
<p>Here I am, with egg on my face. </p>
<p>I thought my freshman S & I were doing so well.... short IMs most days.... longer phone calls much less frequently than that. He was feeling comfortable calling me whenever he needed something.... and then the last 2 days I RECEIVED PHONE CALLS from him telling me that I'M INTERFERRING IN HIS LIFE, and I ask too many questions, and that when he wants to talk to me, he'll get in touch with me. I was really devastated. </p>
<p>First, because I felt duped... second because he was so rude to me. Afterall, he was placing these phone calls to me. So I mentioned this to my sister.... with whom he has a pretty good relationship.... and she IM'd him to say, "you know, you really hurt mom's feelings today"... and then he called me again! to complain about my sister IMing him. Like I have any control over that! I said, if you have problems with your aunt, call her... leave me out of it. But part of us treating you like an adult, is that you also have to bear the repercussions of your actions. And if you hurt someone's feelings, even mine, you need to be held accountable.</p>
<p>Yeah, he was upset. He blocked everyone from his IMs last night.</p>
<p>I can see him online now... but I'll be damned if I'm saying hi. Its killing me not to wish him a good holiday and an easy fast.... I've practically been crying all day (distracted myself by emptying my closets & drawers -- filled 3 big contractor bags with giveaways/garbage, so at least something positive happened). His dad called him to wish him a good holiday, but was only able to leave a message. I told him if he calls back, just to mention, "mom wishes you a good one too".</p>
<p>This is killing me. Just when I thought we'd come to a good place....</p>
<p>I'm sorry this is such a rough time. Maybe you caught your son at a bad time. This may not have had anything to do with you. You just caught all of his frustration. That doesn't excuse his rudeness, but you may want to give him some time before he and you discuss the frequency/type of contact that works best for you both.</p>
<p>I'm thinking he is probably under some academic pressure at this point, and perhaps he wasn't have a good day or week socially. The safest person to take it out on was, unfortunately, you. I'd give him some time and space to think about his actions, making no demands from home, and I bet he'll come around. I know this is an important time, religiously, but college students notoriously fall off that path (or at least stumble).</p>
<p>If you are checking what he is eating and when he is charging stuff on his debit card - and if he knows about it, then I could see him getting upset. And that quick call you described at 11:00 pm could have been right when he was somewhere with a group of guys and he likely got "is your mommy calling you" from them.
I am not excusing his yelling at you, but just trying to see his side of it.</p>
<p>Sometimes, selective amnesia & just giving each other time & space can really help revive a good relationship. My S has not been as considerate of my feelings as I'd like, but I try not to take it personally. We have let him know we expect him to contact us at least once/week (his choice of date & time). If he hasn't called us by Sunday night, we call him & leave him a message on his cell phone voice mail.
I also do not plan to send him any more care packages (tho I have one waiting to go) until I have a conversation with him. On his last phone call Monday night, he hung up just as my H handed the phone to me; I e-mailed that he hurt my feelings but didn't want to call & wake his room mate. :(</p>
<p>On the whole, I really don't think any of the contact (or lack of contact) by our kids is as much about US as it is about THEM & how they're figuring out how to make their own way in their new environment. </p>
<p>There are many reasons that they are not communicating as much as we'd like, but if we try guilt-tripping them, I am pretty sure it will just make the conversations more stilted & frustrating for all concerned. We have told our HS D that we hope she will be better about keeping in touch with us than our S has been so far & we believe she will be (always has communicated more with us anyway).</p>
<p>We hope & believe S will work out a time when he's relaxed & comfortable to call & catch us up on all that has been happening but are glad that he's been busy with his own life and activities, as we have been with ours. It is true that when we initiate the contact, it can occur at a time & place that is not necessarily convenient for our kids, which may make things more awkward as well.</p>
<p>NYMom2Sons:</p>
<p>Another vote here for selective amnesia, especially when it comes to the telephone calls. It's easy for me as an adult to take a telephone call while I'm with friends by politely saying "Excuse me, I need to take this call" but I could never have done that as a college student. It would have been far too embarrassing especially if it was MY MOTHER.</p>
<p>Our son rarely called after the first month of his freshman year and only later did he admit that hearing our voices made him more homesick. Also, I agree with SuNa that there could be an academic trigger. Our son's classes had the first major tests/papers due last week and this week. If your son is a freshman, the first major tests/papers can be especially difficult because he isn't sure what to expect. He may also have procrastinated a bit - they all do it - and feels that pressure. I doubt your son believes he can unload on roommates, professors, or strangers, so ... you're it! </p>
<p>The key is not to erase the anxiety - anxiety is a part of life - but to help your son deal with his anxiety in more productive ways. Perhaps you could suggest that he make a list of things to do in the order they should be done and then check completed tasks off, or buy a calendar or "To Do" form at an office supply store and send it to him. Having a checklist that visually lists tasks and then checking them off is a good way to deal with procrastination and anxiety, especially for boys because they are goal-oriented and checklists help them focus and feel in control.</p>
<p>On a positive note, it's good (in a way) that our kids feel close enough to us that they can use us to vent (admittedly it doesn't FEEL good). Hopefully, our kids will adjust more & feel better & more confident & we'll have more positive contacts over time.</p>
<p>Remember, our kids are in new environments & still figuring out how to get along with peers, room mates, instructors, etc. They're struggling to appear invulnerable & yes, sometimes they are homesick but don't want to admit it to themselves or anyone else. I'm sure that to some degree hearing voices from home makes them think of happier (or at least different) times, which can make their adjustment a bit rougher as well.</p>
<p>The more we can recognize that "this too shall pass," and not attach too much importance to any thing our loved ones do or don't do in their contacts to us, the more we can help ease their transition and help nurture our family ties.</p>
<p>I am missing my D incredibly. She can be very short with me sometimes and other times very open. It is all part of that one foot out the door and one foot in the safety zone. Last week she was pretty nasty so I sent an email just reminding her of my feelings and what I was also going through (kept it simple) and then I backed off. She is slowly warming back up to me. </p>
<p>IM is the best, you can tell pretty quickly if they are interested in chatting. If she is not I just say gotta go, allows for easy escape no hard feelings.</p>
<p>I try to focus on the fact that she is having so much fun, meeting new friends and really finding herself.... but I still miss her:(</p>
<p>She is my last, I know she will run back when she needs me, they all do!</p>
<p>I chose not to IM with my freshman son- it was always the way he communicated with friends and it seemed weird to be part of that. We REALLY miss him but we are trying very hard to give him space. He calls about once a week and responds to some emails. He's usually friendly although we don't hear much in the way of details. Sometimes he'll call to vent about something that went wrong (this week, it was a motherboard failure on his laptop - poor kid). I think parents need to work hard to adjust to this new phase - and that includes not asking too many questions and not checking in on them too much. It IS painful though....we look forward to seeing him on Friday for parents weekend.</p>
<p>As the parent of a freshman daughter, I could have written any of these posts. Yes, been through much of the same emotions. My daughter even told me that she felt as though she were being "interrogated" whenever we spoke, and that it seems that my husband and I (and my sisters) were "stalking" her on IM, she felt that she could never sign on, because we were always IMing her to death!
Wow...I thought that I was just being there for her, letting her know that we are just a mouse-click away. Anyway, she agreed to IM me every night, and we continue this until her responses become delayed, as she is usually talking to 10 others. Now I make up some excuse to "ttyl" and she seems happy with this.</p>
<p>This, of course, changed the night that she had a "meltdown" because she hadn't slept in many nights due to the extreme noisy neighbors on her floor. She called me and cried for 1 hour, telling me about her lack of sleep. I comforted her, discussed various options, and said goodnight. I realized at that point that she will call me and reach out when she needs me. Until her meltdown, things were going great. I guess my new philosophy is that all is well, unless I hear from her. </p>
<p>On another note, any other parents hear of excessive noise either in the dorm room or on the floor? My daughter studies in the library because of the noise, but she DOES need to sleep at night. My daughter won't contact the RA, so I ordered earplugs. Thanks for any input.</p>
<p>Helms2Lee -- yeay!!! All of us who have followed your story are thrilled. Because we know just how great you feel. </p>
<p>NYMom - hugs. And if this holiday wasn't the best - the next one will be better. And if you don't believe that, re-read Helms' post and know your turn will come soon. Hugs again. </p>
<p>As for me, well, no word from D. She's in the doghouse as far as I am concerned - but it's hard to be angry, hard to be anything more than miffed since she is really happy. And doing well. And not missing home. All of which beats the alternative.</p>
<p>I had a neighbor who was INTENTIONALLY harassing me (he would pound on our common wall at all hours, especially early morning). I finally had enough & complained to the RA. He got in trouble & was worse & started crank calling, so I complained again. They changed my phone number & evicted him, explaining that they had received other complaints as well. I have never tolerated earplugs well & tho I initially was reluctant to speak with the RA about it, I am VERY glad I did, as were all the others living in the dorm. Hey, we're paying to enjoy our experience, not to be miserable!</p>
<p>IMd with my son today..he has exams Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday....before he left I told him that in early October exams will come and if you spent the first three weeks sliding by those exams will hit you hard...maybe that is the case with some of these who are not communicating. He left in August and last Sunday was the first time I actually had a long -45 mins-call which he initiated. Today on the IM he told me, "I like being older and deciding these things for myself." This in response to a decision not to go home with roommate for long weekend coming up because he would miss classes. I told him I understand that and he must just remember that being there is a privilege not a right and that we expect him to continue to make his own decisions but to make good ones.
That said, I am glad that I am no longer on his debit card/bank account because I probably would be tempted to check up via internet and it is none of my business-his money, his decisions.<br>
Hopefully when this first set of exams goes by, all of you will hear more.</p>
<p>I knew I would find support here. S, my youngest, is off to college, and basically acts like he could talk to me or not--no phone calls from him, very distant when he takes calls from me. He is not a talkative person, never has been. I know not to call too much and I certainly try not to press too much for information when I do talk to him because I know it would exasperate him, but sometimes I feel as if he is barely civil. ( His dad is not a phone person, so this doesn't bother him.)</p>
<p>It's interesting because I did go through this to some degree with my daughter, who was clearly just having too much of a blast to be bothered with communicating with us during her first weeks of college. But S, who attends a music conservatory, has expressed that while he is very happy "musically", he finds the social atmosphere. He says he has nothing to do and he is in NYC. (?) So naturally I am concerned and anxious to see whether that situation improving, but any I rarely hear from him and when I do talk to him, it's like pulling teeth. In fact, it's so difficult, that I can't make myself call him now--I'm just suffering through. I am supposed to go out for family weekend in a couple of weeks and I'm feeling like, maybe not. I know he is ok--his sister lives there and keeps tabs on him, and I don't think I'm up to travelling out there to get my feelings hurt.
I'm gonna stop now, this is sounding a bit melodramatic, but I needed a place to vent, so thanks y'all!</p>