What to do when you think your son is truly not ready for college?

Parents Forum
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<p>I went to a tier one top 50 LAC and I can say that in our dorm of freshmen, there were plenty of students who fell apart one way or another. Sure, there were a lot of "motivated and on the ball kind of kids" - but there was every other kind of variation around on campus as well. </p>

<p>Also, it is a mistake to think that academic vigour of a college campus or the peers will a keep an unbalanced student out of trouble. Freshman year is a stressful transition, and many students who had previously been able to keep their issues under some semblance of control had them explode into full blown crisises. </p>

<p>At my academically vigourous school full of motivated and wholesome students - we had fullblown eating disorders, a kid who had a psychotic break who thought he was a night-ninja and wore full body black and a mask and literally hid in bushes and stalk-ran-tumbled from hiding place to hiding place (scared the cr*p out of the student body until he was pulled in by the campus cops), druggies, professional drop-outs (skipping classes until kicked out a semester or two later), severely depressed kids, bipolar kids, alcoholics in the making kids, not to mention lots of experimenting with sex and sexuality kids, pregnant kids, etc. Computer addiction was just starting then (internet was fairly new - but I knew a group of kids who were pretty much 24/7 on IRC and text based MUDs and later MUSHs).</p>

<p>Do not think for one moment that the percentage of students who struggle with mental illnesses, breakdowns, risky behaviors, addictions and just generally falling apart is lower at a "good" college and/or that a strong academic lure works as a buffer. It does not. </p>

<p>It boils down again to that idea that picking the right environment for a student struggling with addiction issues (computers, the lure of pot, etc) is not a simple one. I understand you are trying to be positive, but in the process many of your statements sound too much like wishful thinking - a type of thinking that may be getting in the way of making an optimal set of boundaries and decisions with your son.</p>

<p>It is also false to think that a competitive environment is the one that your son will thrive in. High achievers sometimes will do better in a solid institution that allows a little bit of breathing room. There is a huge psychological difference between being naturally at the top of your class (big fish in a little pond) vs. the constant stress of having to prove oneself (little fish in a big pond). Don't discount the ills that come along with highly competitive schools and/or careers.</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>Boy, i have to be careful with what I say around here!! BY NO MEANS did I mean sending him to a competitive college equals him never getting in trouble, to even insinuate that is silly. Of course I know there are as many temptations there as there are anywhere, but what I meant is in an environment where academics are very important and there are many serious and driven kids who will be studying what he will be studying, he will within a large college only be with 300 other kids and with those kids there are I think around 100 in the honors program so he will be working within a very small group with very academic minded kids, and I know my son and how he responds to such environments and I think this will work in his favor. Now what goes on outside the classroom is a whole other ballgame and I will not even begin to say that it will be any different than ANY college campus in this country.
Bottom line- every kid responds differently to their environment, I can only speak for MY son and his 18 years so far have shown me that he does much better in a charged academic atmosphere far more than he does in a loose, casual party minded one. ( Make no mistake, I am not saying one is better than the other, just that one works better for him)
I dont' know why what I said caused such a reaction from you, annik AGAIN. I never implied for a minute that at lower tier schools, things are much worse in fact I would go on a limb to say at the more competitive schools, there probably are more stress related diagnosed kids than non competitive or lesser competitive schools. NO MATTER where they go, freshman year is indeed a time of transition, highs and lows, even for the most ready kid. I do not think for a second this will be a walk in the park however KNOWING MY SON as I do feel the best possible situation for him at this point in his life is to go into this small school within a school of sorts studying alongside a very small group; if anything or any environment will work for him as this point, this is the one.</p>

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<p>It is also false to think that a competitive environment is the one that your son will thrive in</p>

<p>Also I dont' think with all due respect, the above comment is for you to say. Perhaps its false for some, not for my son though. I know what he thrives in, and I have seen it through especially his last four years. I know what he thrives in and this is the reason we continue to believe that in the event his college plans materialize, that this is the best possible situation for him.</p>

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<p>I'm sorry if my post came across sounding negative or anything. It's just that I was naive when I started this whole college process with my kids and learned a lot from our experience with S1. I believed that a high ranking competitive private college was for him. I believed in the "frats aren't big here" sell and "the Honor Code is strictly enforced" (in reality, this isn't true). Looking back on it, we were stupid. The best thing that came out of his freshman year was that he realized that he was academically on par or above many. Out of 1,000 males at the school, he was 1 of 70 to earn straight A's (as a freshman). Coming from a small public high school, this meant a lot to him. </p>

<p>Annika is right. A private competitive LA environment does not weed out the unmotivated, drinkers, druggies, those with emotional issues, and so forth. Neither does a public univ. environment. Our experience was just that--our experience and others I'm sure loved the school. I just don't want you to be as naive as I was 2 years ago. I think you know what I mean. Stay involved and stay strong.</p>

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<p>A Reality Check:</p>

<p><a href="http://www.safefromthestart.org/pdfs/College_Mental_Health.pdf%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.safefromthestart.org/pdfs/College_Mental_Health.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>I wasn't as clear as I should have been. Edit that sentence to read- "It is false to think that a competitive environment is the best/only one that your son will thrive in." Meaning - sometimes it is good to look at alternatives that at first don't seem to be the right one. </p>

<p>You are on a public forum that invites discussion. It doesn't mean you will like or enjoy or feel comfortable with the scrutiny as well as the advice being given. </p>

<p>Of course you know your son better than a group of strangers on a forum. However, some of the outside objective advice you have been given is the idea that maybe a competitive environment - while a good fit in some ways for your son - may or may not be a good fit in other ways. Including the concept of sending him away to school to have that environment. I am also adding the idea that a competitive environment might have MORE downsides to it than the positives that you are clinging to. </p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>annikasorrensen, I don't know if you are a psychologist, an educator, a Dean of Students, parent, or just someone with good advice, but I think that your opinions are very valuable. I think that a parent might benefit from rereading what sounds like very good insight. It is really a lot to digest at once. Naturally, you don't know the OP's son, but your insight into college, and your honsesty is really refreshing.</p>

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<p>CT Mom- I'm curious- why are you still checking back on this thread? You seem highly ambivalent on the subject of your son attending college in a couple of weeks- and yet any suggestion by the rest of us that perhaps your concerns are valid, that there may be more here than meets the eye, is met with considerable resistance from you.</p>

<p>Many of us are parents of boys; many of us have lived through the late adolescence of some late-blooming, talented, smart boys; many of us have experience with some of the behaviors you are describing. In no way am I suggesting that you diagnose your son off a message board-- but if you are looking for validation that you should drop your son off at college and hope for the best there are experienced parents here trying to offer some other alternatives.</p>

<p>I will reiterate what you probably know- pot is available 24/7 at most colleges. Gaming is available 24/7 at most colleges, and unlike at home where most parents have to go to sleep at a normal hour to get up for work the next day, at college many dorms are virtually nocturnal- the kids sleep through much of the day and either party or whatever all night. Unlike in HS, most college professors do not take attendance, and moreover, many professors could care less if a kid shows up for class. Class attendance may account for 5% of a grade in a class where someone actually takes attendance. In many Freshman classes, the first actual evaluative event is midterms-- and so a kid who is attending class sporadically and not keeping up with the reading may actually have no idea that they could get D's and F's in their classes until the term is halfway over. And to add insult to injury.... for many kids, college is the first time they actually find a large network of interesting, fun peers which means that hanging out, talking, goofing off, etc is a lot more fun than it was at home.</p>

<p>Do I think you should send your son off as planned? Have no idea, don't know your son. If my son had exhibited the behaviors you have described I would be busy working with him on a Plan B- not because I wanted him to get the message that I didn't trust him and wanted to punish him by sending him to a lesser school, but because I know dozens of kids whether from my town, family, or extended family who ran aground Freshman year and never quite made it back.</p>

<p>Sometimes it was mental illness- sometimes it was substance abuse, sometimes it was just immaturity, and sometimes it was garden variety, "this kid doesn't belong in this college right now". But despite the fact that most schools have an impressive array of safety nets in place- deans, tutoring centers, TA's, counseling, walk-in clinics, etc-- all of these elements have one thing in common- your kid has to recognize that he has a problem and want to take action to fix the problem.</p>

<p>You have painted a picture for us of a loving, caring parent who is working very hard to orchestrate a turnaround for her kid. All of which is admirable, and I think you've done a wonderful job of getting your son to this place. However, I don't see a kid who has worked as hard on his own behalf as you have.</p>

<p>If he is smoking dope out of boredom, surely he must see that the pot use will be seen by you and his therapist that he's just not ready to live within the kind of boundaries that a parent expects for a kid living under their own roof. He is smart enough to realize that the random drug testing is a clear signal that you don't trust him... so why hasn't he worked double-time to prove to you that in fact, he is ready to go away where you'll have no idea what he's doing with his free time?</p>

<p>However, back to you. I don't think anyone here is trying to be cruel or to minimize the progress your son has made this year. But I wouldn't send a daughter with an eating disorder off to live in a dorm (where young women with anorexia quickly find each other and feed off each others pathologies) and I wouldn't send a son recovering from a gaming addiction off to live in a dorm either- at least until his medical team was confident that he hadn't replaced one set of addictive behaviors with others. And a couple of clean weeks at home isn't the kind of long term progress I'd be looking for.</p>

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<p>I think if you are requesting parenting advice through an online forum, you need to figure some things out about yourself, before worrying about your son.</p>

<p>And try not to be offended by this comment, but if you are going to ask people what you need to do to help your kid, you have to expect some people to criticize your parenting.</p>

<p>Personally, I think the problem is a combination of issues your child has to deal with, and parenting issues you need to deal with. Either way, most of the kid's personality comes from you and your husband either through genes, or environment, so it would help to start by looking at how you can change.</p>

<p>Also, be aware of how well you know your child. Often times, parents only view their child through the environments they see him/her most, and these environments do not reflect how the child acts independently.</p>

<p>Finally, you're not alone. I'm about to be a freshman this year, and I know my parents are concerned with my ability to be responsible. They feel I rarely take initiative and have little passion for things. I can understand why they feel this way, as I hardly ever express much enthusiasm for matters other than seemingly trivial things (music, movies, sports), but this apparent lack of enthusiasm is mostly a result of a lack of confidence in my true passions. When I go to college, however, I know I will be able to test my knowledge and skills in a safe and supportive environment. </p>

<p>Going to college will be a chance for your son to discover the extent of his abilities in areas he genuinely cares about, without the weight of his parents' expectations pressing down upon him.</p>

<p>In my opinion, forbidding your son's college experience could be the worst possible scenario for his future independence.</p>

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<p>blossom, I agree with much of what you said. Why do I check back? Because despite not always agreeing, I truly appreciate the wide variety of opinions and have gotten in addition many many private messages so of course I very much am interested in this board and what others have to say, no doubt. While this would never replace "therapy" in a traditional sense, I do value the insight and advice as it's coming mostly from other parents of the same aged kids also heading off to college, some with ambivalence, some not. There is no question about the temptations that will await him, all without us there to threaten him, he will have to be the one to use good judgment and know when to say no or enough. I have no idea if that will happen. He has not smoked pot for almost 3 weeks and told therapist and I he feels better than ever. A good thing, it doesn't' mean he won't do it again, but it does show him that he doesn't' need it and that he physically feels much better without it. It is just 3 weeks but we have to start somewhere. He has been getting up to work every day and overall I will cautiously say he seems to be feeling much better about himself this last week, how could he not? He is finally feeling productive and worthy.
Skis- I do somewhat agree about how a kid will act in an independent situation is often far different from how they behave at home, good or bad. My son will be tested in ways far different from being home, and I am on the fence about if forbidding the college experience is the worst possible thing, it would only be the worst thing if he really is fully ready, if there is someone who truly we are not convinced is ready, maturity wise and judgment wise then it could also be the best decision to extend it for one year. At this point we are taking it one day at a time, he very much wants to go, tuition is due around Aug 10th, I told him that is almost 3 weeks from now, we will see where things are at that point, and make our decision. It seems the more serious we become that we may not send him, the more intent he is about going and the more he realizes the incredible opportunity he has been given and in some ways taken for granted.
There are rarely sure things in life...some things do have to be left to chance. This is a decision only we can make and ultimately will have to accept responsibility for, for the best or worst. I think sometimes as has often been shared on this board, parents with high achievers, the perfect kids go on to college and really mess up, with their newfound freedom, they can't control themselves and it ends up being disastrous that first year and often by the second year, they straighten out...then you have those that are so unsure that its the right decision, the late bloomers who don't seem totally ready, and they go and surprise themselves and their parents by finding their groove, and really coming around to be a successful, accomplished student. No parent really can predict how it will turn out.....</p>

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<p>"...lots of assumptions about top schools."</p>

<p>The op already knows about top schools, because she has a stepson who attends one.</p>

<p>We have highly educated people commenting here: lawyers, psychologists, etc. and even very bright kids. I'm just an old-time English major, and I tend to read things with the intent of finding a story line. It annoys the heck out of me when pieces of the story are missing. The op has consistently tried to control her story, revealing bits here and there, ignoring vast chucks of relevant information....keeping the reader hooked, and becoming highly indignant to the point of name-calling if people try to fill in the blanks by looking at past posts, other than the ones she has given us permission to look at. The story on this thread is fiction. I take offense that there are people here who have come to really care about the fate of her son (I know I have), put time and effort into writing thoughtful (and carefully worded so as not to offend the op) posts and yet the op takes it upon herself to lecture and chastise posters for their input if it does not fit her frame of mind and narrative for any particular day. </p>

<p>The op is the one with the problem and yet she somehow feels entitled to lecture us about life..." There are rarely sure things in life...some things do have to be left to chance.""No parent can predict how it will turn out...." Amazing.</p>

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<p>^^^ Wow, I have been following this thread because I can relate to a lot of the op's situation. I was learning a lot from the wisdom of various contributers to the thread. Now I somehow feel compelled to delve into the background story.</p>

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<p>isla I have no idea who you are, but frankly as I said before you really give me the creeps. You sound as someone else stated like you have a personal vendetta.
To all those who have taken the time to comment and offer sound and well meaning advice (whether I agree or not is pointless) I thank you sincerely for this, believe me you have helped me to feel hopeful when things were not feeling so great. In the last week I have been a bit more optimistic because I feel like he might just be turning a corner, however I am cautious as I have been down this road before. THIS IS NOT A FICTITIOUS STORY and to suggest it is vindictive and mean spirited, not to mention that it implies I am a blatant liar which I am not. I assure you every bit which I have stated is factual and though you should believe what you choose to, I can assure you the time spent invested in my story and it's outcome have been worthwhile and not in vain; they have also been extremely appreciated. I even told the therapist about my "online support system" and she has since looked at as well.:)Someone who is practically a "veteran" on this site private messaged me saying by telling such a story, you are inviting much criticism, she advised that I develop a thick skin fast, as she said my every word and comments will be scrutinized and put under the microscope. She was right, but that was a chance I was willing to take. I STILL would have posted if I were to do it over again because the many well meaning, positive and supportive posts and messages I have received far outweigh the overly negative ones laced with criticism and insults. </p>

<p>There are those in life who will always find fault with something that they don't agree with, I have lots of negative energy in my life right now so don't' have any room for more, I am going to disregard the above posters comments, as clearly she has nothing more positive to do than get online and try to make me out to be an impostor. I have told my story seeking advice, for anyone who I may have offended, I apologize because you have just answered me in your own opinion, which is essentially the reason I even posted here to begin with; trust me it was spoken probably more out of the vulnerable edgy mood I am dealing with than anything else, I do thank you and will surely keep you posted. Thank you!</p>

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<p>It is only fictitious in the respect that you are controlling the narrative. I think you presume on people's good nature. It just bothers me. </p>

<p>If you feel so emotionally vulnerable, perhaps an online forum is not a good place for you to spend your time during these weeks.</p>

<p>I hope you and your family have a great day.</p>

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<p>Well, ctmom, I can certainly relate to your feelings. With my kids, it always feel as if it's two step forward, and one step back. Every time I thought they had turned some corner and finally on the way to their future then some challenge will come up. </p>

<p>Best of luck to you and your son. There are lots of us rooting for you.</p>

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<p>I taking the advice of several am giong to totally ignore and disregard the above comments however would like to say:</p>

<p>To all those who have taken the time to comment and offer sound and well meaning advice (whether I agree or not is pointless) I thank you sincerely for this, believe me you have helped me to feel hopeful when things were not feeling so great. In the last week I have been a bit more optimistic because I feel like he might just be turning a corner, however I am cautious as I have been down this road before. THIS IS NOT A FICTITIOUS STORY and to suggest it is vindictive and mean spirited, not to mention that it implies I am a blatant liar which I am not. I assure you every bit which I have stated is factual and though you should believe what you choose to, I can assure you the time spent invested in my story and it's outcome have been worthwhile and not in vain; they have also been extremely appreciated. I even told the therapist about my "online support system" and she has since looked at it as well:)
There are those in life who will always find fault with something that they don't agree with, I have lots of negative energy in my life right now so don't' have any room for more, I am going to disregard the above posters comments, as clearly she has nothing more positive to do than get online and try to make me out to be an impostor. I have told my story seeking advice, for anyone who I may have offended, I apologize because you have just answered me in your own opinion, which is essentially the reason I even posted here to begin with; trust me it was spoken probably more out of the vulnerable edgy mood I am dealing with than anything else, I do thank you and will surely keep you posted. Thank you!</p>

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<p>Thanks munchkin, will keep you posted...sorry I posted twice, a mistake. Well I am giong out for a much needed walk, hope you all have a great day!</p>

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<p>Let's change the focus on this thread a little bit and focus on the son and not the Mom. Did he get his roommate yet? Has he contacted him and introduced himself (either by facebook or telephone)? Has he discussed what he wants to buy for his dorm room? Has he received his schedule or looked online to see what classes he wants to schedule for the fall? Is he spending time with his high school friends this summer? Is he enjoying the summer (outside activities like swimming, beach, biking)? Is he working his butt off at a job and thus, savoring every moment of downtime? Is he going out with friends--movies, parties, macdonalds lol? Does he wear his college tshirt and/or hat so often that they're all ready faded and/or ripped? This is how many of the college bound kids from around here are spending their summers. If he's not sending out any vibes about leaving and going to college in the fall, it could be that he's trying to let you know that he doesn't want to go. Put your wants and desires for him aside and take a good look at your son. What do his actions say? What does he want? Step back and out of the picture and see your son the way others do. Cut the cord. It's his life to own--good and bad. Let him take ownership of his life.</p>

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<p>NY smile, good advice.</p>

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<p>To the OP, I have followed this on-going situation with your son and have but 1 question: With so much energy devoted to him, how are your other children faring? I hope they are well and not severely impacted by the problems you have listed over the past few months.</p>